Another relationship thread (Christian-Atheist relationships)

So here's the deal, I met this wonderful girl 4 years ago and have more recently, in the past few months, fallen in love with her. I've known for a long while we had some conflicting opinions, but for the most part they don't bother me. However, she is a rather outspoken atheist and I am a christian. Until recently I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but recently its been bothering me more and more. Part of the reason is I can't imagine her being able to fit in with my family if she never goes to church with us, and if my family doesn't like her, thats a pretty lethal blow. The main reason I am having trouble though is I think we are going some where. I know she needs me right now, she's had some things in her life that have really messed with her and I can't just dump her because of this or anything like that, but I can't imagine going much further than we have with her beliefs.

She said she's open to the idea of a god, but just doesn't think he exists. She's well read, she knows her facts and its like she knows every single gap in the bible there is, so I got nothin. Can this work though? Kind of a weird place to get relationship advice, but I'm at a loss, all my friends and family know her and I don't want them to know about the whole atheism thing, at least not yet.

It's not unheard of for such a relationship to work out well (just ask Btaylor), and she seems nice and reasonable enough, so as long as there are no problems you haven't mentioned I don't see why this couldn't work out between you two. Good luck.

I'm agnostic and I still like going to church from time to time. There are a lot of aspects of Christianity and other religions which I like. I don't see why the relationship couldn't work out.

Sure if it is about you and her. Family is important but the relationship is between you two. The key is how you guys handle it.

It can work, but it will be hard. It will be especially hard since you don't know how to defend what you claim to believe in. If you really believe in it, it will be hard to accept her "dying lost" and will cause friction.guynamedbilly

I don't think a relationship based on need will last dude. In the long run it won't matter if that is actually the case.

The bible says not to be entangled with non-believers, its best to just pull out of it. You can say "but she might turn christian, thats the problem, you dont know what she thinks. There is no way around it, you have to go by scripture, otherwise your in disobedience. Trust me, its best just to do nothing with her, then to do a lot and commit much error. Think about it, would you want to marry someone who has completely different opinions for your whole life? If your welling to disobey what the bible says about not entangling with non-believers, then I guess you could just divorce later on, and now your not even really a christian. So technically you could date her, because you both have become non-believers in a sense.

Just don't talk about religion.

[QUOTE="guynamedbilly"]It can work, but it will be hard. It will be especially hard since you don't know how to defend what you claim to believe in. If you really believe in it, it will be hard to accept her "dying lost" and will cause friction.falconclan

You could read some essays yourself. It's not that hard, unless she has some schooling over you, in which case, she wins.

As for it conflicting with religious beliefs, I think it's only discouraged, not forbidden, since a couple like yours would naturally go through these things. But if you can see past that and still love her, then there's no (religious) reason not to go for it.

Just don't talk about religion.

needled24-7

You could read some essays yourself. It's not that hard, unless she has some schooling over you, in which case, she wins.

As for it conflicting with religious beliefs, I think it's only discouraged, not forbidden, since a couple like yours would naturally go through these things. But if you can see past that and still love her, then there's no (religious) reason not to go for it.

If you read the bible its clear, I cant remember were in the old testement it was (the beggining more so), but it makes it clear not to. There is very many religious reasons, first of all your giving your kids to non-believers, they will go after other gods. Second, when you marry, it is for life, besides the differences will most likely end in a divorce. Third is you will not be able to serve god, it inhibits your ability to focus on god. The bible makes it clear not to do it, its just an accident waiting to happen. i had a friend who dated an athiest women, yeah it was horrible!

So here's the deal, I met this wonderful girl 4 years ago and have more recently, in the past few months, fallen in love with her. I've known for a long while we had some conflicting opinions, but for the most part they don't bother me. However, she is a rather outspoken atheist and I am a christian. Until recently I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but recently its been bothering me more and more. Part of the reason is I can't imagine her being able to fit in with my family if she never goes to church with us, and if my family doesn't like her, thats a pretty lethal blow. The main reason I am having trouble though is I think we are going some where. I know she needs me right now, she's had some things in her life that have really messed with her and I can't just dump her because of this or anything like that, but I can't imagine going much further than we have with her beliefs.

She said she's open to the idea of a god, but just doesn't think he exists. She's well read, she knows her facts and its like she knows every single gap in the bible there is, so I got nothin. Can this work though? Kind of a weird place to get relationship advice, but I'm at a loss, all my friends and family know her and I don't want them to know about the whole atheism thing, at least not yet.

falconclan

The first thing you should do is talk to her about it, not to convert her but to ask her to be more accepting of your beliefs. I'm an atheist but many of my freinds (and a former girl freind) are devout christians, but we never attack each others beliefs. I doesn't mean we don't talk about it, sometimes we have discussions and debates on religion but we always respect eachothers beliefs. Religion is something personal so if you guys can't discuss it without getting into arguments, then don't discuss it. Agree to disagree. Also, if she's an atheist, why would you take her to church with your family?

I can work, and you'll have to keep your family in check if marriage happens. I'm the atheist and my wife's Catholic. Her rather outspoken mother has said things on a few occasions and my wife has always stepped in. If she's reasonable, as it seems, and respects your beliefs, it can work just fine, and in fact you can complement and learn from each other. We've been married 10 years now, so feel free to PM me if you wish.

;) Theo.

[QUOTE="falconclan"]

So here's the deal, I met this wonderful girl 4 years ago and have more recently, in the past few months, fallen in love with her. I've known for a long while we had some conflicting opinions, but for the most part they don't bother me. However, she is a rather outspoken atheist and I am a christian. Until recently I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but recently its been bothering me more and more. Part of the reason is I can't imagine her being able to fit in with my family if she never goes to church with us, and if my family doesn't like her, thats a pretty lethal blow. The main reason I am having trouble though is I think we are going some where. I know she needs me right now, she's had some things in her life that have really messed with her and I can't just dump her because of this or anything like that, but I can't imagine going much further than we have with her beliefs.

She said she's open to the idea of a god, but just doesn't think he exists. She's well read, she knows her facts and its like she knows every single gap in the bible there is, so I got nothin. Can this work though? Kind of a weird place to get relationship advice, but I'm at a loss, all my friends and family know her and I don't want them to know about the whole atheism thing, at least not yet.

redstorm72

The first thing you should do is talk to her about it, not to convert her but to ask her to be more accepting of your beliefs. I'm an atheist but many of my freinds (and a former girl freind) are devout christians, but we never attack each others beliefs. I doesn't mean we don't talk about it, sometimes we have discussions and debates on religion but we always respect eachothers beliefs. Religion is something personal so if you guys can't discuss it without getting into arguments, then don't discuss it. Agree to disagree. Also, if she's an atheist, why would you take her to church with your family?

So here's the deal, I met this wonderful girl 4 years ago and have more recently, in the past few months, fallen in love with her. I've known for a long while we had some conflicting opinions, but for the most part they don't bother me. However, she is a rather outspoken atheist and I am a christian. Until recently I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but recently its been bothering me more and more. Part of the reason is I can't imagine her being able to fit in with my family if she never goes to church with us, and if my family doesn't like her, thats a pretty lethal blow. The main reason I am having trouble though is I think we are going some where. I know she needs me right now, she's had some things in her life that have really messed with her and I can't just dump her because of this or anything like that, but I can't imagine going much further than we have with her beliefs.

She said she's open to the idea of a god, but just doesn't think he exists. She's well read, she knows her facts and its like she knows every single gap in the bible there is, so I got nothin. Can this work though? Kind of a weird place to get relationship advice, but I'm at a loss, all my friends and family know her and I don't want them to know about the whole atheism thing, at least not yet.

falconclan

If you are under 18, stop reading this now.

If you are 18 or over, you need to stop worrying about what your family thinks of this girl's religion or anything else for that matter, be a man, and make your own decisions. If you like her, stay with her, but if you are thinking of dumping her because your mommy might not like her, then do this girl a favor and do it now before she realizes what a weak willed little boy you are.

Hope that helped. I don't want to be mean about it but seriously.... you need to start acting like an adult.

Oh yeah, and you ain't in love buddy. If this was really love, neither religion or mom and dad's wishes would not be standing in your way. I would fair to say that you haven't the foggiest idea of what love is if you are ready to boot this poor girl because she doesn't believe in your god.

My family doesn't know she's an atheist. I guess perhaps I haven't told enough to be understood. She says she's an atheist but she believes that it isn't impossible to have a god, I'm not entirely sure what that means, but basically she doesn't believe in christianity at all. I don't want to convert her, because thats not what I do, I didn't want people to convert me, I don't want to convert her, because if she chooses to believe I want it to be on her own accord, but my family has to be accepting and that worries me more than anything. Both sides of my family are very religious, my parents are a little more laid back about it, but I'm not sure how they'd react if I told them she was atheist.

falconclan

In the end, this is between you and her, not your parents. If you love her and think you can overcome your differences then you should continue with the relationship. Your parents may be dissaproving at first but they will most likely accept it if you give them some time and talk to them about it. If your parents love you, they will respect your decision.

Oh yeah, and you ain't in love buddy. If this was really love, neither religion or mom and dad's wishes would not be standing in your way. I would fair to say that you haven't the foggiest idea of what love is if you are ready to boot this poor girl because she doesn't believe in your god.

Catpee

Oh yeah, and you ain't in love buddy. If this was really love, neither religion or mom and dad's wishes would not be standing in your way. I would fair to say that you haven't the foggiest idea of what love is if you are ready to boot this poor girl because she doesn't believe in your god.

Catpee

That's a bit presumptuous don't you think? Your parents/or your spouses parents, can have a drastic effect on a marriage. No matter your age.

It shouldn't matter. If you have an understandign that her beliefs are hers and your beliefs are yours then it will be perfectly alright. And as long as you don't force beliefs in your children and allow them to decide for themselves everythign will be great. There are plenty of marriages between atheists and the religious that have worked out.

[QUOTE="Catpee"]

Oh yeah, and you ain't in love buddy. If this was really love, neither religion or mom and dad's wishes would not be standing in your way. I would fair to say that you haven't the foggiest idea of what love is if you are ready to boot this poor girl because she doesn't believe in your god.

btaylor2404

That's a bit presumptuous don't you think? Your parents/or your spouses parents, can have a drastic effect on a marriage. No matter your age.

Seems petty to me that you would let a lack of belief in god get in the way of an otherwise great (I'm assuming) relationship. But I'm not religious, so maybe we see things differently.

I guess at the end of the day though, you just need to do whatever makes you happy.

And I'm sure she'll never have sex with your family, or shower with them, or do lots of other things with them. Not going to church shouldn't be the basis of a relationship of ANY kind (I'm mostly talking about your family here).

She can enter your family and still be her own person and if your family doesn't like who she is then what kind of Christians are they? If they don't like her then they don't have to be around her. If they don't like her lifestyle chocie then they don't have to talk to her about it.

[QUOTE="btaylor2404"]

[QUOTE="Catpee"]

Oh yeah, and you ain't in love buddy. If this was really love, neither religion or mom and dad's wishes would not be standing in your way. I would fair to say that you haven't the foggiest idea of what love is if you are ready to boot this poor girl because she doesn't believe in your god.

LJS9502_basic

That's a bit presumptuous don't you think? Your parents/or your spouses parents, can have a drastic effect on a marriage. No matter your age.

Seems petty to me that you would let a lack of belief in god get in the way of an otherwise great (I'm assuming) relationship. But I'm not religious, so maybe we see things differently.

I guess at the end of the day though, you just need to do whatever makes you happy.

FlyingArmbar

[QUOTE="Catpee"]

Oh yeah, and you ain't in love buddy. If this was really love, neither religion or mom and dad's wishes would not be standing in your way. I would fair to say that you haven't the foggiest idea of what love is if you are ready to boot this poor girl because she doesn't believe in your god.

falconclan

First off, I'm an agnostic, not an atheist.

Second, you need to live your own life, and your parents need to accept that regardless of whatever personal beliefs they have. If they cast you out, then everything they taught you about Christ, forgiveness, and family was a bunch of BS anyway and you are probably better without their influence.

Third, yes, you need other people. Those people are the family that you make after you leave home. Your close friends, your wife, your kids. Those are the people that make your life what it is, not your mom and dad. Their job was to get you out of the nest, but you are the one who needs to fly.

So here's the deal, I met this wonderful girl 4 years ago and have more recently, in the past few months, fallen in love with her. I've known for a long while we had some conflicting opinions, but for the most part they don't bother me. However, she is a rather outspoken atheist and I am a christian. Until recently I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but recently its been bothering me more and more. Part of the reason is I can't imagine her being able to fit in with my family if she never goes to church with us, and if my family doesn't like her, thats a pretty lethal blow. The main reason I am having trouble though is I think we are going some where. I know she needs me right now, she's had some things in her life that have really messed with her and I can't just dump her because of this or anything like that, but I can't imagine going much further than we have with her beliefs.

She said she's open to the idea of a god, but just doesn't think he exists. She's well read, she knows her facts and its like she knows every single gap in the bible there is, so I got nothin. Can this work though? Kind of a weird place to get relationship advice, but I'm at a loss, all my friends and family know her and I don't want them to know about the whole atheism thing, at least not yet.

falconclan

I'm like the complete opposite of you. I'm an agnostic, but I'm completely jaded towards religion due to my personal experiences. I'm not ruling out that I might be able to carry on a relationship with someone who's religious, but I seriously doubt it. Being incompatible with my family is actually a positive trait for me, and I don't think I could ever go to services on a regular basis.

Overall, though, you just have to judge if it's something you can get past. I'm of the opinion that if you really care for someone and you're able to personally accept their beliefs you should stand up to your family for them. I think that's the biggest question you should be asking yourself, is it really a big deal to you personally? If you have no problem getting past it and all that it might entail in a long-term type of relationship then you should be able to send the message to your family that this is what you really want, if it is what you really want.

Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.mindstorm

So if the girl doesn't want to become a Christian, end the relationship?

That's so cliche.

This is why people aren't happier with their lives.

I'm sure she has her qualms about you being religious as well. Life is not perfect, you have to give a little. If you love her then you will overcome this and see her for who she is. If your family can't tolerate different viewoints, then they are a lost cause anyway.

[QUOTE="mindstorm"]Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.Shad0ki11

So if the girl doesn't want to become a Christian, end the relationship?

That's so cliche.

This is why people aren't happier with their lives.

Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.mindstorm

Don't be a mind...storm. That's absolute bull, and from your description of her she's smart enough to see right through it. Is that really how you want to treat her, by toying with her emotions and using her feelings for you as a bargaining chip just so you can get her to say she believes in the same things you do? Give her a little respect, let her live her life how she wants to live it, and if you love her as she is then you should be able to tell your family to respect her the same way you do, and your family should be able to respect that. Trust me, standing up to your family on religious issues isn't always easy, but if you hold your ground and make it known that their acceptance is important to you then the people who really care about you will respect that, even if it does take time. One last note, this may be the type of thing you should talk to her about. I can speak frompersonal experience that making assumptions and making decisions based on those assumptions in relationships is a bad thing. She's a big girl, she can decide for herself whether ostricization from your family is something that she wants to go through or not.

[QUOTE="mindstorm"]Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.Shad0ki11

So if the girl doesn't want to become a Christian, end the relationship?

That's so cliche.

This is why people aren't happier with their lives.

[QUOTE="FlyingArmbar"]

Seems petty to me that you would let a lack of belief in god get in the way of an otherwise great (I'm assuming) relationship. But I'm not religious, so maybe we see things differently.

I guess at the end of the day though, you just need to do whatever makes you happy.

falconclan

[QUOTE="Shad0ki11"]

[QUOTE="mindstorm"]Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.mindstorm

So if the girl doesn't want to become a Christian, end the relationship?

That's so cliche.

This is why people aren't happier with their lives.

If they're both happy with each other right now, why change anything? huh?

If religion isn't a problem in the relationship, then why even bother?

If anything, if she were forced to convert to Christianity and she really doesn't want to, then the relationship is wrecked.

It's not impossible that such relationships will work out, but if you are adamant about your belief in Christianity, then there are a lot of potential problems it can cause. If you want to have children, for instance, how will they be raised? And how do you feel about the prospect of your wife being shipped off to hell when she dies? Typically, mixed-religion relationships only work when there is an open-minded approach to the religious differences on the part of both parties, or if the two people aren't really that commited to their respective religions.

For the record, she sounds more like a skeptical agnostic as opposed to a strong atheist who outright dismisses the possibility of God. That's an open-minded point of view... and so the ball's really in your court here.

As for being there for her, you can continue to be there for her as a friend if you don't want romance. A romantic relationship is just a deep friendship when you get right down to it.

[QUOTE="Shad0ki11"]

[QUOTE="mindstorm"]Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.mindstorm

So if the girl doesn't want to become a Christian, end the relationship?

That's so cliche.

This is why people aren't happier with their lives.

[QUOTE="Shad0ki11"]

[QUOTE="mindstorm"]Disclaimer: I am saying this with a Christian as my intended audience and do not expect a nonbeliever to understand... I'm a firm believer of believers only marrying other believers, but not completely unsympathetic to your situation. I'm not going to recommend you break up with her, but I am going to recommend a few things you should do. I do not think you should progress the relationship further unless she were to become a Christian. Also, be as strong of a Christian as possible. Do your best to be a genuine Christian who seeks after God in not only your religious life but in your dating life. Often times it is not the religious debates that cause someone to become a Christian but seeing a genuine Christian live his or her life.mindstorm

So if the girl doesn't want to become a Christian, end the relationship?

That's so cliche.

This is why people aren't happier with their lives.

It's not her passion. If having the same religion is such a big deal to someone that it's a dealbreaker, then just break up with them. Don't go around using personal feelings as a bargaining chip. Some people can have different passions and still be perfectly happy with each other. If you don't, fine, but to try and change someone is just ludacris. If you need to be with a Christian that should be made known to the other person very early on in the relationship.

And to falcon, talk to her about it. It is possible that you're really the one who is worried about the whole thing and you're presenting your concern as her concern. I'm not going to make that assumption, I'm just throwing it out as a possibility. That also doesn't mean that you're not concerned about her, just that you're afraid to voice your feelings concern and so you magnify your concern over her to compensate. I'm also ont going to rule out that things are exaclty as you say, but either way you need to talk to her. Making assumptions about the way the other person feels is just not very healthy. Talk to her, see how she feels, and tell her how you feel. Maybe it will lead to you taking the relationship to a new level, maybe with you breaking up, but it will be on equal terms either way and you won't be left wondering if you were correct in your assumptions.

If they're both happy with each other right now, why change anything? huh? Scripture commands that Christians preach the good news of Jesus Christ to everyone. That's why.

If religion isn't a problem in the relationship, then why even bother? Same as above.

If anything, if she were forced to convert to Christianity and she really doesn't want to, then the relationship is wrecked. Indeed. With both him and God...

Shad0ki11

It's not her passion. If having the same religion is such a big deal to someone that it's a dealbreaker, then just break up with them. Don't go around using personal feelings as a bargaining chip. Some people can have different passions and still be perfectly happy with each other. If you don't, fine, but to try and change someone is just ludacris. If you need to be with a Christian that should be made known to the other person very early on in the relationship.theone86

I do not disagree here.

If you do anything, be certain to have these issues figured out before you do. The last thing your future children need is their parents constantly fighting over something that should have been resolved in the dating stages.

First, I would tell my family that she's an atheist and be done with it. Sure, they may not like it and may even throw a hissy fit; they're your family so I can't say for sure what will happen, but if you're independent then it shouldn't matter a huge amount.

Next, I'd make it clear to her that your religion is not going away and that you do care about her immortal soul or whatever it is that's making you uncomfortable here. When she makes her final decision, be content with that and drop it. Pray and trust God knows what he's doing, and even if he doesn't at least your girlfriend might. Don't obsess over it, because if you do then end the relationship now; it's not going anywhere productive. If/when you pass this hurdle, also be sure to let her know that you understand her position and, while you hope she changes her mind one day (I'm assuming you do), you still love her all the same.

Finally, when both your family and your religious matters are resolved, go slow and plan your future. This has nothing to do with your situation other than the relationship aspect, but I cannot stress enough how important it is to not rush in a relationship.

[QUOTE="Shad0ki11"]

If they're both happy with each other right now, why change anything? huh? Scripture commands that Christians preach the good news of Jesus Christ to everyone. That's why.

If religion isn't a problem in the relationship, then why even bother? Same as above.

If anything, if she were forced to convert to Christianity and she really doesn't want to, then the relationship is wrecked. Indeed. With both him and God...

mindstorm

It's not her passion. If having the same religion is such a big deal to someone that it's a dealbreaker, then just break up with them. Don't go around using personal feelings as a bargaining chip. Some people can have different passions and still be perfectly happy with each other. If you don't, fine, but to try and change someone is just ludacris. If you need to be with a Christian that should be made known to the other person very early on in the relationship.theone86

I do not disagree here.

but I can't base my entire life on the bible. I know I love her, and I can see us going far, but I don't think I could convert her, and if I teach the works of Jesus to her then I am doing what I didn't want done to myself. If you teach someone about god and jesus when they are born they will never truly find those things for themselves, they will go on believing simply because their parents told them to, not because they actually believe these things. If she chooses to accept god, I want it to be her decision, not mine.

falconclan

Then it's simple: date her and don't discuss religion around her in the fear that you may convert her, if that is you want her to be converted on her own.

but I can't base my entire life on the bible. I know I love her, and I can see us going far, but I don't think I could convert her, and if I teach the works of Jesus to her then I am doing what I didn't want done to myself. If you teach someone about god and jesus when they are born they will never truly find those things for themselves, they will go on believing simply because their parents told them to, not because they actually believe these things. If she chooses to accept god, I want it to be her decision, not mine.

falconclan