The following is a letter to the editor of my hometown/county's local paper. Here is the link to it so i dont get into trouble >_>.
To understand this person, you must understand that we have a very local cheese factory, and pride in it as the words best cheese ^_^. Its from the Burnett Dairy Co-Op. Anyhow, I was rotf at this. Seriously funny stuff :D ENJOY -
Cheese conspiracy
It started years ago; one brick of California cheese at a time infiltrated my St. Croix Falls Wisconsin grocery store.
I ignored it at first, having confidence in the Wisconsin public's highly sophisticated cheese standards to discern between authentic Wisconsin mozzarella and a California imitation.
I underestimated the power of the California propaganda machine: California's chamber of commerce, their dairy associations, trucking companies and disgruntled ex-Wisconsinites who failed the Wisconsin standardized cheese test bundled capital together to indoctrinate the Wisconsin public into ignoring their superior taste buds and fine-tuned olfactory detection abilities.
Rumor in Wisconsin is they hired think tanks like The American Enterprise Institute, The Cato Institute and the Heritage Foundation to develop a plan to brainwash the Wisconsin public into a state of California Cheese Compliance. I saw what they were doing. Yes I did. They slowly put pictures of happy, healthy, so-called California cows, grazing in pretty green meadows in our Wisconsin small-town newspapers; under the picture they wrote a cute little heading: "Moo-ve Over Wisconsin. California Cheese is Coming."
I looked at these pictures closely. Where were the mountains, deserts and oceans in the photos? None. Green pastures? Who were they trying to fool? There are no green pastures in California, just hills of rusty colored sedge grasses lacking in nutritional value only a rodent could live off of. These pictures are forgeries no doubt produced by some tech head in Silicon Valley who lacks a cow conscience and is lactose intolerant. Next came TV commercials flooding our Wisconsin stations, glorifying California cheese with images of pretty little cows groomed like poodles in a pet show.
I had enough. These think tanks fooled the Wisconsin public about the Iraqi war and global warming, but no more. Wisconsin cows produce the best cheese in the world. They are direct descendants of the Minotaur which Theseus with the help of Ariadne, no doubt reincarnated Californians slaughtered over sex; an uncivilized act to a Wisconsinite but an accepted, everyday occurrence in a cow-ignorant culture void of moral scruples and blinded by oversized human appendages.
I and others have taken to the streets of St. Croix Falls Wisconsin and we will spread our message of truth and cow virtue throughout Wisconsin. We have formed Cheeseland security to protect the Dairyland, keeping it pure and wholesome as generations before us have. We are stopping all trucks with California license plates crossing our borders. We are interrogating the drivers about their California cheese connections by dunking them in vats of manure and locking them in our blue cheese storage sheds; unlike water boarding, our torture is certified by the Geneva Convention. We have banned Beach Boy music due to subliminal messages a farmer in Belplaine discovered: If you listen closely to "California Girls" you can hear the word cow after girls. You deny it California? A few days in our blue cheese storage shed will convince you.
The St. Croix Falls Wisconsin newspapers can only show pictures of certified Wisconsin cows in their paper from this day forward. Any deviation from this proclamation and the paper will be shut down, taken over by Cheeseland security, and reopened under the guidance of a retired reporter from the Weekly Standard who's loyalty to the Wisconsin Cheese industry is above reproach. The children of St. Croix Falls Wisconsin have saved their elementary school milk money and are donating it to Cheeseland Security to finance a TV commercial depicting the truth about California Cheese.
Fox News Network has agreed to produce and guarantee a fair and balanced depiction of Wisconsin and California cheese.
I have heard one of their reporters has found a plastics factory in Oakland where California cheese is really produced. Bill O'Reilly compares the find to the Iraqi drones of mass destruction found in Saddam Hussein's cousin's gardener's tool shed in Hilad. California beware. Wisconsin is mobilizing its people to protect it from the procrustean, tanned, Schwazzeneggerian body-building executives and their lackeys.
They are polluting healthy, plump Wisconsin bodies with their foul product of discarded silicon chips, moldy orange peels and suntanning products they call cheese.
Wisconsin cheese will persevere.
Paul Kuhlmann
St. Croix Falls
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