Creepy story i wrote.

Im 15. I wrote this story for english class. I would like constructive opinions..

You aren't the best writer.

EDIT: Seriously, i can tell you are trying to be descriptive but its just not done well. BTWthe story is very repetitive.

You aren't the best writer.AAllxxjjnn

repetitive?really? hmm. I guess ill have to work on that.

Sorry but not creepy, make it better.

meh.

your writing will improve with practice though

thanks for the opinions. I guess its not that scary...

Oh I'll work harder.

sounds like exactly how i feel on the computer at 1 in the morning.

I like it.

I think one problem you've got is you have very short sentences far too often. Sometimes it good to lengthen your sentences, shortening sentences in order to make your writing come across more tense ends up becoming too predictable. If you use longer sentences more often as well as shortened sentences etc it allows you more chance to detail things that someone wouldn't normally detail in a piece of writing.

The unexpected in a novel is always more interesting I find. And I don't just mean in the story, I mean in how you write, and how you detail what is happening to the reader.

Im 15. I wrote this story for english class. I would like constructive opinions..

IN MY HEAD..

As I sit on the uncomfortable chair, I sit there free of worry like if nothings wrong. Its 7:13. Some sunlight shines through a little window in the next room. Not necessarily a yellow sun. But more of a gloomy average day sun. After all it was just an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Slowly minute by minute the only radiance from outside dims.


Time flew literally,, while i saw at my computer. It is now pitch black outside and in every other room but the room residing behind me. The only light around me is the light from my computer. Everywhere else darkness has fallen. Its not easy to be alone and paranoid and the same time. Every little sound crashes against your eardrums. From the sound of the computer fan to the sound of the wind faintly blowing outside.


The more paranoid i get the more noise are noticeable. Wether they exist or not is trivial. At random moments I would hear buzzing from somewhere behind me. As I go up the stairs to pee the feeling of fear grows inside me like a cancer as I begin to believe someone is following me. I look out the bathroom window and hallucinations fill my mind. I tell myself its all in my head.


I continue doing what I have been doing for the past hour. Walls begin to get darker. The sensation of being watched keeps floating around my head. Cracks and thumps randomly make themselves apparent upstairs. Claustrophobia attacks me as the room seems to get smaller. Darkness seems to grow. Telephones are somewhere in the dark. Cellphone is dead. I keep telling myself its all in my head.


Sounds upstairs send chills up my spine. Tapping? Footsteps? Whatever it is, it is creeping the **** out of me. My head starts to spin. My dog seems to be frozen as if he has seen a ghost. My sisters dolls stare at me as if their trying to speak. As i stare back they seem to be moving. Slowly but its still moving. Noises all around me crash against my ears. The door that leads outside shoots open. The wind shrieks louder than ever. I try to ignore but i cant. I tell my self ...its all in my head...its all in my head...its all in my head...its all in my head...its all in my head...its all in my head.



Latin_Psycho

You may want to look at the stuff I underlined as a basic revision. The tenses shift back and forth, there are many fraghments, and you used "pee" as a verb. This, of course, is among many other things.

^^^thanks a lot :D ^^^. I thought that using pee as a verb might show style. Like everyone in my class would know i wrote it because of the word 'pee'Latin_Psycho

No, its just not a good word to use.

^^^thanks a lot :D ^^^. I thought that using pee as a verb might show style. Like everyone in my class would know i wrote it because of the word 'pee'Latin_Psycho

[QUOTE="Latin_Psycho"]^^^thanks a lot :D ^^^. I thought that using pee as a verb might show style. Like everyone in my class would know i wrote it because of the word 'pee'MotherSuperior

You need to add " ' " to make things possessive, you need to start capitalizing your "I"s. Use spell check.

It is pretty repetitive in some areas.

You are trying to use writing devices/techniques that are above your level. You don't really understand how to use them correctly or effectively.

MAybe I am being too harsh.

I tried to describe sort of what im feeling now. (being home alone in the dark isnt my thing). But i thought that maaking the sentences shorter might add a feeling of (i dont know the right word for it) rush? In order to portray that the narrator is feeling desperate and paranoid.Latin_Psycho

I get what you wanted to do, but using is very frequently becomes repetetive.

Read some Steven King novels to get a sense of what creepy is. One I recommend is a novel called Four past midnight. It's a collection of 4 short stories. One of them is called Secret Window. Read that to get a sense of paranoia and desperation. It's about a man who is a successful writer and a strange man comes to him and accuses him of stealing his work. And so the write must prove to this man that he wrote the story first. Its a very mysterious and creepy novel.

Try reading something like that. It's not too complex to understand and will give you some more ideas on what to work on. Also look on the net a lot on how to construct a thriler/horror type piece of work.

OK, i don't know why, but gamespot is screwing up my quote with corrections.

You need to add " ' " to make things possessive, you need to start capitalizing your "I"s. Use spell check.

It is pretty repetitive in some areas.

You are trying to use writing devices/techniques that are above your level. You don't really understand how to use them correctly or effectively.

MAybe I am being too harsh.

AAllxxjjnn

[QUOTE="AAllxxjjnn"]OK, i don't know why, but gamespot is screwing up my quote with corrections.

You need to add " ' " to make things possessive, you need to start capitalizing your "I"s. Use spell check.

It is pretty repetitive in some areas.

You are trying to use writing devices/techniques that are above your level. You don't really understand how to use them correctly or effectively.

MAybe I am being too harsh.

Latin_Psycho

Write about the extinction of man. Basically a disease wipes out all males on earth, and only women are left. But before all the men died, they built robots for the the chicks. From there it turns into a giant robot/chick orgy. That will defiantly creep people out.

Write about the extinction of man. Basically a disease wipes out all males on earth, and only women are left. But before all the men died, they built robots for the the chicks. From there it turns into a giant robot/chick orgy. That will defiantly creep people out.AAllxxjjnn