DAMN IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A VIOLENT STREET CRIMINAL
a thread by jethrovegas
It has been said that rap music has no social value. I disagree.
I think that rap music has great potential for being socially valuable, but that potential is buried beneath euphemisms, poorly constructed sentences, and "in" phrases that the average everyman simply cannot understand.
With that in mind, I decided to start translating popular rap songs so that the social commentary and intelligent content can be enjoyed even by those not familiar with rap music as a whole.
The following is a brief demonstration of the fruits of that project, using a verse from the popular rap song "Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangster" by the 'Geto Boys'.
I think you'll find that the tone of the original piece has survived intact.
ORIGINAL LYRICS
A1) Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta
A2) A real gangsta-ass ***** plays his cards right
A3) A real gangsta-ass ***** never runs his ****ing mouth
A4) Cuz real gangsta-ass ****** dont start fights
A5) And ****** always gotta high cap
A6) Showin all his boys how he shot em
A7) But real gangsta-ass ****** dont flex nuts
A8 ) Cuz real gangsta-ass ****** know they got em
TRANSLATION
B1) Damn it feels good to be a violent street criminal who perpetuates negative stereotypes
B2) A legitimate violent street criminal of African-American descent plays his cards properly
B3) A legitimate violent street criminal of African-American descent does not boast unnecessarily about prior accomplishments
B4) Because legitimate violent street criminals of African-American descent do not initiate altercations
B5) And violent criminals of African-American descent always feel the need to simulate shooting people in the cranium
B6) Illustrating to his posse how he executed one or more victims with a handgun
B7) But legitimate violent street criminals of African-American descent do not metaphorically flex their testicles
B8 ) Because legitimate violent street criminals of African-American descent are aware of the fact that they have testicles and feel confident in their size and/or functionality
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You wake up.
In front of you: a wall, 10 thousand feet tall, 10 thousand feet wide.
Behind you, beneath you, beside you and in front of you: the vast emptiness of space, distant stars twinkling, ancient constellations devoid of any kind of life, staring at you, staring into you, wooden eyes.
An obese man with greasy hair floats up beside you and begins to sing:
"If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died"
He stops singing. Tears are welling up in corners of his eyes. His tears smell like McDonalds.
A laser dot appears on his head. A bullet hole appears soon after.
You stare in disbelief; now a MAN is flying towards you on a hoverboard, smoking gun in his hand. He is tall, black, rugged. Looks alot like Richard Roundtree, God rest his soul.
"Why?" You want to know.
He stares at you, eyes flaming.
"This man was a parasite, a killer, a rapist, and worse yet, a Nickelback fan. His death was beautiful, and lovely in all aspects."
You are frightened.
"Bu, buh, what happened to mercy? To kindess? To pity?"
He throws his head back and roars like a lion.
"PITY!? Let me tell you 'bout pity. Ever heard of Mr.T?"
You nod.
"He was a great man, a fine warrior, an upstanding citizen... with one fatal flaw. You see, Mr. T for all his strength and righteousness, failed, simply because of pity. He pitied the fool, and the fool took advantage of his pity, the fool manipulated his pity. And in the end, Mr. T's pity may very well rule the fate of us all."
He points the gun at you.
"Having said that, GTFO, and take your squeaky toy with you."
The wall collapses. Welcome to paradise.
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*to the tune of the theme song from 'Gold Finger'*
Dog biscuits, dah dah dah
That's the food- the food that dogs like to eat
(Such a treat!)
Dog biscuits, dah dah dah
The beckon you, to come and eat some of them
But don't go in!
Dah, dah, dah, dah dah dah
Dooh, dooh, dooh, da dooh, da-da de-da, dough, dough dough dough
___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___
I should have seen this day coming.
For the longest time, I'd been at the top of my game, as a slick, cold, calculating killer. For the longest time, I had always been careful. For the longest time, I had always been precise.
But lately I'd been stupid. Lately I'd been arrogant.
And now, thanks to my stupidity and my arrogance, I had walked straight into an ambush, the kind that only has one way out.
The squirrels had me flanked to my left and to my right.
They chirped incessantly, eyes glowing, blades gleaming in the dark.
Time to die, gentlemen.
I stormed out from begind the tree stump, guns blazing. They came at me, a rush to scare even the hardest son of a *****.
Tiny knives pierced my calves, tiny teeth gnawed at my extremities. They died by the hundreds, as bullets larger than big toes splattered their innards all over the forest. I screamed, a kamikaze, a viking, a soldier of hell making a final stand.
The blood rose around my ankles. Mine, theirs, at that point it just didn't matter. I was covered in fur, and bone, and tissue. My eyes stung with sweat and spatter.
My gun clicked. Empty. I let out a yell, I ripped my shirt apart, I collapsed to the ground, the squirrels covered me, the screams of the damned surrounded me. Game over follks, momma forgive me.
____ ___ ___ ___ ____ ___ ___ ___
28 year old Benjamin Hauser was arrested today after attacking several dozen children with sticks and a paint ball gun at a birthday party in a local Burger King playground.
Police found Hauser writhing and screaming in the playground's ball pit. Witnesses say it took four officers to dig him out and bring him into custody.
____ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ____
You could give the world so much more. We all could.
Why do we hide our talents in socks under our matresses?
The world needs us, now more than ever.
We make fun of burger flippers, but I bet you wouldn't laugh if you were given a burger that was only cooked on one side, now would you?
If you're a burger flipper, you flip that goddamn burger better than any other burger flipper in the entire world.
If you're a janitor, you clean those goddamn floors so clean that I can see up my own kilt.
If you're a prostitute, you give me a good discount.
Why? Because it is our duty as human beings to either be the absolute best that we can be, or the absolute worst that we can be. None of this "in between" bull ****.
Either you go for the win, or you fail harder than anyone else ever has; don't just sit there with one fold of fat on either side of the ironing board.
YEAAAHHHHH BOOOIIII!!!!!
Here we are, born to be kings,
We're the princes of the universe.
Here we belong, fighting to survive
In a world with the darkest powers.
And here we are, we're the princes of the universe
Here we belong, fighting for survival
We've come to be the rulers of your world.
I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings.
I have no rival, no man can be my equal
Take me to the future of your world.
Born to be kings, princes of the universe
Fighting and free, got your world in my hand
I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand
We were born to be princes of the universe.
No man could understand. My power is in your hand
Ooh, ooh, ooh, people talk about you.
People say you've had your day.
I'm a man that will go far.
Fly the moon and reach for the stars
With my sword and head held high
Got to pass the test first time-yeah
I know that people talk about me. I hear it every day.
But I can prove you wrong 'cause I'm right first time.
Yeah yeah alright watch this man fly, bring on the girls
Here we are. Born to be kings,
We're the princes of the universe.
Here we belong. Born to be kings,
Princes of the universe. Fighting and free
Got the world in my hands
I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand.
We were born to be princes of the universe.
NOW GO ****ING GET SOME!*
*Groceries. We're running low.
___ ____ ___ ___ ___ ___
One of these things is not like the others! One of these things just doesn't belong!
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Falafel is very popular in the Middle East as a fast food. Vendors sell it on the street corners in Cairo. As a main dish, it is served as a sandwich, stuffed in pita bread with lettuce, tomatoes, and tahini. As an appetizer, it is served on a salad, or with hummus and tahini. Falafel is a favorite among vegetarians.
In Egypt, McDonald's has their version of a falafel sandwich. Can you guess the name? McFalafel, of course.
No time to make your own falafel? Check out our favorite falafel mixes.
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hours, 45 minutes
Ingredients:
* 1 cup dried chickpeas or 16 oz. can of chickpeas or garbanzo beans.
* 1 large onion, chopped
* 2 cloves of garlic, chopped
* 3 tablespoons of fresh parsley, chopped
* 1 teaspoon coriander
* 1 teaspoon cumin
* 2 tablespoons flour
* Salt
* Pepper
* Oil for frying
Preparation:
Place dried chickpeas in a bowl, covering with cold water. Allow to soak overnight. Omit this step if using canned beans.
Drain chickpeas, and place in pan with fresh water, and bring to a boil.
Allow to boil for 5 minutes, then let simmer on low for about an hour.
Drain and allow to cool for 15 minutes.
Combine chickpeas, garlic, onion, coriander, cumin, salt and pepper (to taste) in medium bowl. Add flour.
Mash chickpeas, ensuring to mix ingredients together. You can also combine ingredients in a food processor. You want the result to be a thick paste.
Form the mixture into small balls, about the size of a ping pong ball. Slightly flatten.
Fry in 2 inches of oil at 350 degrees until golden brown (5-7 minutes).
Serve hot.
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Psychological Examination Result
If you said the 'Tooth Man' did not belong, you are a social recluse, who has no friends. You probably see the world as being hostile.
If you said the 'Ketchup' did not belong, you are a social recluse, who has no friends.You probably see the world as being hostile.
If you said the 'Horse' did not belong, you are a social recluse, who has no friends. You probably see the world as being hostile.
I'm singing in the rain. 
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