I just wrote this what do you think?

I try to change but theirs not much to say. My name is Jon, I'm still not gone. I'm not ashamed I forget the date every other day. It must be fate that I still await the day I find my twin. Chilling and grinning, drinking my filling until i find myself seeing the ceiling. It isn't to appealing, til I find the other half of the missing piece really. People say I'm uptight and more insecure than most,sorry I don't try to boast I'd rather try to make another toast. I like to drink, I like to smoke, but it isn't what I like that makes us alike. With head held high I try to sigh but the sky just keeps passing me by. When it rains I don't try to hide abide, I just go along for the ride. When it all comes down to it I'd rather just live my life my way or **** it, what the **** is the point?

I was bored, I think I over used my "I's" lol. what do you guys think? how bad is it :P

You have a twin?

What exactly did I just read?

You have a twin?

MrsSolidSnake

What exactly did I just read?

Pirate700

uhh Idk I sorta just wrote it :o I think i'll leave you with your thoughts.:arrow:

Do you want to be a rapper or something? Cause I think you're going to have to try again but it's better than Lil Wayne and Souljah Boy so I'll give you that.

What are you trying to be? The Riddler?

I didn't think it was bad at all. At some points it seems a bit like the rhyming is directing what you are writing and pushing it forward, rather than it having it's own story that happens to rhyme, if you know what I mean, but I didn't think it was bad at all. And I respect anyone who takes the time to do some creative writing and has the guts to post in a forum so, well done.

I didn't think it was bad at all. At some points it seems a bit like the rhyming is directing what you are writing and pushing it forward, rather than it having it's own story that happens to rhyme, if you know what I mean, but I didn't think it was bad at all. And I respect anyone who takes the time to do some creative writing and has the guts to post in a forum so, well done.

albatrossdrums

Do you want to be a rapper or something? Cause I think you're going to have to try again but it's better than Lil Wayne and Souljah Boy so I'll give you that.

Assassin1349

What are you trying to be? The Riddler?

CrystalFox

I didn't think it was bad at all. At some points it seems a bit like the rhyming is directing what you are writing and pushing it forward, rather than it having it's own story that happens to rhyme, if you know what I mean, but I didn't think it was bad at all. And I respect anyone who takes the time to do some creative writing and has the guts to post in a forum so, well done.

albatrossdrums

You have a good name. :D

You have a good name. :D

cheesyjon

[QUOTE="cheesyjon"]

You have a good name. :D

CoolSkAGuy

No kidding. Jon is my favorite name ever.

[QUOTE="CoolSkAGuy"][QUOTE="cheesyjon"]

You have a good name. :D

No kidding. Jon is my favorite name ever.

[QUOTE="cheesyjon"]

[QUOTE="CoolSkAGuy"] haha yes we do 8)MrsSolidSnake

No kidding. Jon is my favorite name ever.

Bon Jovi!

He's also the bassist for my favorite band ever!

[QUOTE="MrsSolidSnake"][QUOTE="cheesyjon"]

No kidding. Jon is my favorite name ever.

Bon Jovi!

He's also the bassist for my favorite band ever!

There's a LOT of mistakes and things that would need fixing. And when you're going to post writing material, please, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. PLEASE.

I try to change, but theirs (should be "there's") not much to say. My name is Jon, I'm still not gone. I'm not ashamed I forget the date every other day. It must be fate that I still await the day I find my twin. Chilling and grinning, I drink my fill until I find myself seeing the ceiling (try "until I find myself staring up"). It isn't to(too)appealing, til I find the other half of the missing piece really ("It isn't too appealing..." doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say? Are you saying that staring at your ceiling isn't appealing until you find your other half? But why? Why is it not appealing until then?). People say I'm uptight and more insecure than most, (period) sorry I don't try to boast I'd rather try to make another toast. (No point in having this sentence. It's just forced. If you want it, then try something like "Sorry that I don't like to boast about my feelings or how I am." Keep the "I'd rather try to make another toast" out.) I like to drink, I like to smoke, but it isn't what I like that makes us alike(??? Try not to rhyme. It sounds too forced when you do). With head held high I try to sigh but the sky just keeps passing me by. When it rains I don't try to hide abide, I just go along for the ride. When it all comes down to it I'd rather just live my life my way or **** it, what the **** is the point? (I don't find the ending really appealing. It's way too forced and it doesn't explain anything. You're just trying to rhyme without telling anything. Why are you looking for your other half? Who is this other half? What are the differences? Try and tell the story. Don't try to rhyme when doing so. For this piece, it seems way too forced.)

I was bored, I think I over used my "I's" lol. what do you guys think? how bad is it :P

CoolSkAGuy

"I try to change, but there's not much here to say.

My name is Jon. I'm not gone, nor am I ashamed that I forget the date every other day. It must be fate that I still await the day I find my twin. Chilling and grinning, I drink my fill until I find myself staring up.

I still don't know why I always stare up.

People say I'm uptight and more insecure than most. Sure I like to drink and smoke, but that's not what I like about the two of us..."

I hope this helps. :)

And when you're going to post writing material, please, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. PLEASE.

ayanami_rei

Whoa calm down man.

**** you're hardcore.

**** you and your house.

I am batman!

Anyway, onto the topic at hand, it was an alright piece, but nothign really clicked with me. Like, is it narrative, poetry, what?

[QUOTE="ayanami_rei"]

And when you're going to post writing material, please, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. PLEASE.

StripTheSoul

Whoa calm down man.

**** you're hardcore.

**** you and your house.

I am batman!

Anyway, onto the topic at hand, it was an alright piece, but nothign really clicked with me. Like, is it narrative, poetry, what?

[QUOTE="StripTheSoul"]

[QUOTE="ayanami_rei"]

And when you're going to post writing material, please, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. PLEASE.

ayanami_rei

Whoa calm down man.

**** you're hardcore.

**** you and your house.

I am batman!

Anyway, onto the topic at hand, it was an alright piece, but nothign really clicked with me. Like, is it narrative, poetry, what?

There's a LOT of mistakes and things that would need fixing. And when you're going to post writing material, please, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. PLEASE. [QUOTE="CoolSkAGuy"]

I try to change, but theirs (should be "there's") not much to say. My name is Jon, I'm still not gone. I'm not ashamed I forget the date every other day. It must be fate that I still await the day I find my twin. Chilling and grinning, I drink my fill until I find myself seeing the ceiling (try "until I find myself staring up"). It isn't to(too)appealing, til I find the other half of the missing piece really ("It isn't too appealing..." doesn't make sense. What are you trying to say? Are you saying that staring at your ceiling isn't appealing until you find your other half? But why? Why is it not appealing until then?). People say I'm uptight and more insecure than most, (period) sorry I don't try to boast I'd rather try to make another toast. (No point in having this sentence. It's just forced. If you want it, then try something like "Sorry that I don't like to boast about my feelings or how I am." Keep the "I'd rather try to make another toast" out.) I like to drink, I like to smoke, but it isn't what I like that makes us alike(??? Try not to rhyme. It sounds too forced when you do). With head held high I try to sigh but the sky just keeps passing me by. When it rains I don't try to hide abide, I just go along for the ride. When it all comes down to it I'd rather just live my life my way or **** it, what the **** is the point? (I don't find the ending really appealing. It's way too forced and it doesn't explain anything. You're just trying to rhyme without telling anything. Why are you looking for your other half? Who is this other half? What are the differences? Try and tell the story. Don't try to rhyme when doing so. For this piece, it seems way too forced.)

I was bored, I think I over used my "I's" lol. what do you guys think? how bad is it :P

ayanami_rei

"I try to change, but there's not much here to say.

My name is Jon. I'm not gone, nor am I ashamed that I forget the date every other day. It must be fate that I still await the day I find my twin. Chilling and grinning, I drink my fill until I find myself staring up.

I still don't know why I always stare up.

People say I'm uptight and more insecure than most. Sure I like to drink and smoke, but that's not what I like about the two of us..."

I hope this helps. :)

OMG YOUR AWESOME :o. Anyways ill actually make it coherent,change the ending an all and if you want I'll keep you updated. Thanks really appreciate your input.

I try to change, but there's not much to say.My name is Jon, I'm not gone nor am I ashamed I forget the date of every other day. Searching for frequency of time and humanity never dwelling on what is to come.

It must be fate that I still await the day I find my twin. Sitting and grinning,I drink my fill until I find myself staring up. Looking at the nature that has befallen me, why I do it is still a mystery.

It isn't appealing really, or at least it isn't until I find the other missing piece. People say I'm uptight and more insecure than most, It's not like I'm trying to cloak it, I show my true self and never cower.

With my head held high I sigh, searching the sky that just keeps passing me by. When I awake I stand and open a window and see she isn't there, I tell myself I don't care, but emptiness always reside. Going day by day searching for her I just hope I wasn't born too late.

Thanks to the encouragement of Ayanami,I can tell your a really good writer just by your suggestions. I actually tried to make it moreof of a story :P

I was thinking of changing "what is to come" to "what is insanity" but idlk

and Im terrible with endings :cry: