Hello. This is the only forum I am apart of and I haven't been able to find any information on the net to answer my questions. Maybe some of you have some advice. The last time I had a 'crush' on a 'girl' was about 2 years a go. I am 21 now. After a series of life events, I went through a state of 'depression' over continual frustration in many different areas of life. Eventually, my depression went away and so it seems my emotions did too. I try really hard now at everything. I work out all of the time, I'm succeeding in all of the hardest classes in my college, I play dress up and act like a rebel, I know exactly what makes people tick. I'm not trying to be egotistical or trying to impress you with some text over the internet. The problem is I don't even have an ego. I feel like everything is one big game. I steal things because no one has caught me and it gives me a rush of control on top of something free, I work twice as hard at my job to blackmail my elderly manager, I assaulted someone and got fired and rehired on the same day just because I've made them need me that badly. I feel so much 'stronger' than I felt a few years a go. If anything I feel like a psychopath. And that's where the problem comes in: Girls/guys/dogs/rocks/anything has become a collection of parts that do things. Everything including myself is an object, however I am not myself anymore because I feel I control me from outside of me. Everything I do is to gain because I can't find any other meaning in reality. I've been told that there is the point of love, but I don't feel love anymore. I try so hard to attract all of the socially defined 'attractive' girls (and guys) for the sake of feeling in control. Once they seem to like me, I move on. Last valentine's day I gave a girl a valentine's gift (stolen chocolates from work and a homemade card with a dorky poem on it meant to be airy because she seems like a non serious human). I did this because deep inside, the only feeling I still really feel is anger and frustration at the lack of meaning I see in everything. I wanted to see if I would 'develop' feelings for her by doing something nice. I never developed feelings and now it's 'awkward' for her whenever I see her as I have not changed and still look at her like I look at an object of study. I've thought of many things to do with my life, mainly either suicide or some extreme history making action. Both really do end in suicide because honestly, I am happiest in those few hours of sleep when I'm not dreaming; that time that doesn't exist. It could be a second or an infinity, but I don't know because I'm not concious. There is no regret or reflection during those times. I don't have to feel good or bad, just nothing. Up until I make whatever decision, I've been doing whatever I want to increase the physical pleasure in my life for my 5 senses. I go out with a friend who is just like me and we rob restaurants almost every weekend. We also use to binge on drugs every once in a while. He's also a sex addict and feels in control when he has several girls wrapped around his fingers. I just masturbate because it doesn't cost money or time and there are no risks (ie stds, pregnancy, etc). So I'm asking if anyone else feels this way and how they deal with it. Does it go away after awhile, will I ever feel anything again? I would ask you to remain serious when answering because cluttered troll work to make yourself feel superior on a gaming forum is really not what I'm looking for here and you would be wasting your time because I honestly will feel nothing from that. But it's your choice..
I'm not reading all of that, but there's no shame in being bisexual, gay asexual, whatever if you feel that you 'used to be straight'. Suicide is not the answer to not having anybody to 'have a crush on'.
I'm not reading all of that, but there's no shame in being bisexual, gay asexual, whatever if you feel that you 'used to be straight'. Suicide is not the answer to not having anybody to 'have a crush on'.XilePrincess
Well...first thought, you have been a part of this forum since...today. But putting that aside, anyone is welcome in the community, but there are a few ground rules we expect folks to follow. 1. Don't confess to various illegal activities. Stealing, drug use, etc. 2. Don't give details about the sexual acts you do such as masturbation. 3. If you're having suicidal thoughts, using Google like I just did and finding a link to suicide hotlines is usually better than asking for serious psychoanalysis on a gaming site. For your convenience, here is a link to our Terms of Use
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