Is it rude to say “I’m sorry” when someone is going through a hard time.

I had a situation years ago where a kid I knew told me his dad died and the only thing I could think to say was “I’m sorry”. And he replied “no your not”.

I asked some people and they told me in a lot of cases it’s rude to say that. But honestly imo what can you say in that situation, especially if you don’t know the person who passed.

no its not rude.

he is just upset it seems.

What he is looking for is people saying things in their gut that they feel is 100% honest.

Not saying you were not being honest, but it might have been just more 'polite' then 'honest' but its also not your responsibility to be 100% honest with someone. he is just looking for that.

make sense?

I'd rather hear a "Is there anything I can do?" than the whole "Oh my god...that's so horrible, I'm sorry...can't imagine what you're going through" since the latter always sounds very insincere to me, mostly because they then turn around and go back to enjoying themselves. Then again, I don't just go around telling people stuff that they can reply with "I'm sorry" anyway so if people come to you and say "hey, my father just died" and they're not a close friend of yours then they should just take anything above a "not my problem".

Maybe he wanted emotional support.

It's not rude, but a lot of people get sick of hearing it when they are going through a hard time. So many people will say it, that it starts to feel like a meaningless response.

Just saying "I'm sorry" and nothing else to add is when the problem rise when someone is going through some hard times, it's basically saying "not my problem" situation and that's when the problem starts.

Normally in this case, I'll say something like this, what can I do to help? "If there's anything you need, let me know" sometimes will ease the pain but that's the best I can say or do.

Not everyone will know what to say, but yeah, saying Sorry all the time doesn't do justice despite the person saying may need no harm in any ways. I might stay silent and walk away might seem rude but I got nothing to offer to help or what not. It's just one of those thing I hate being "Wrong place, wrong time"

No, it’s not rude.

It's not rude, it's just that grief makes people say things, they need an outlet. I would give your friend a pass on that one, and not read into it.

It also depends on culture. In the US, apologies are often synonymous with responsibility; if you say "I'm sorry" out of sympathy, people will often reply with "Sorry for what? You didn't do anything" instead of replying with appreciation. Obviously if you say "I'm sorry" about a death they won't think you did anything, but "I'm sorry" doesn't have the same weight in these situations as it might in other cultures.

But, for God's sake, never say "God has a plan for us all" or "It was just his/her time to go". Just don't.

This is also why, when in a car accident, you never ever apologize because iirc legally it makes your responsible.

Sometimes 'i'm sorry' sounds like when u trying to fix a broken window with adhesive plaster.

@Mercenary848: I have a problem with assholes who feel compelled to tell people about some sad personal thing about their life that happened, (Unless I'm very close to said person), obviously to evoke some sympathetic response. And then proceed to say "You're not really sorry" to the person who was awkwardly trying to say something to make them feel better. How about this, we all have had or will in the future experience some sad event(s) i.e. deaths of loved ones or sickness and loss. If you're going to tell strangers or people you're not really close with in your personal life, about something sad like that, expect one of two very common responses. 1) Person says "I'm sorry you went through that" 2) Person says "Sorry to hear that. I went through a similar situation involving XYZ" I know some people want a listener, but most people are not programmed to just "Listen". GO see a counselor if you want that. And just for the record, if someone told me "You're not really sorry" I'd look them in the eye and say. Actually, no. I'm not. but since you came in and ruined the nice day I was having by inviting strangers who don't give a shit about what your crying about into your life apropo of nothing, I figured it sounded better than. "Who fucking cares? I have my own troubles"

I have not seen a stranger or even an acquaintance come up to me and say a loved one died. In all cases I experienced, it was a friend and I knew the person who died.

If I didn't know, I might inquire with questions like When? and How? I might make a statement about how unfortunate it was. I might even say I'm sorry. But, I'd have supporting statements to go with it.

If a stranger did come up to me and say a loved one died, I normally let the stranger do all the talking. I'd ask questions that gets him or her talking.

I never say "I'm sorry." Instead, I ask them if they need a bigger straw.

Usually it's "I'm sorry to hear that."

Saying "I'm sorry" implies you had something to do with it and are seeking forgiveness.

I feel you and your right, but at the same time I feel like people should understand that if someone says "im sorry" then it implies"im sorry to hear that".I mean in that situation what else can the person really do, and it feels uncomfortable to awkwardly stand there and not say anything.

True, but you have to remember, death and the associated grief is hard to deal with. I'm sure it was just an emotional outburst they didn't mean to have. I've noticed a lot of people, when dealing with the death of a loved one, tend to respond better to "is there anything I can do?" than "I'm sorry to hear that."

At least with the offer of help, they feel like you are there to support them through anything, while "I'm sorry [to hear that]" is just an expected nicety.

You are right, this situation I brought up in the op actually happened 9 ish years ago. But I am always curious about the ways people handle grief. Have you ever notice people rush to break the news that certain people die to certain people, almost like they want to be the one to have a certain honor of letting them know. For instance usually when someone you are close to passes you get a rush of phone calls from people you arent particularly close to.

I never had anyone other than the parents/spouse/children (depending on the situation and only 1 of them) of the deceased call me to tell me the news. Maybe you just hang around weird people :p

Probably just lashing out in general and you just "caught it".

Just curious, how close were you to this individual that decided to share this with you?

I'm not one to judge, I never know how to act/what to say in this situations.

It's not rude, but it certainly isn't ideal. More empathy would be better suited.

Always to right, always to the left, and always up; and always downward in a backward direction think in terms of solving problems that satisfy people's need for entertainment. Think about it, now. Dads can be and are entertaining, but he lost his. Tell your friend that he will find more about his lineage through a search for his family's past with documentation.

Good luck and be blessed, sir.

No not at all, it's better than saying "I'm happy."

i'd interpret "i'm sorry" as short for "i'm sorry to hear that"

it's kinds implied.

unless the person actually had something to do with it... but that's a whole other issue.

anyway, it's just something polite people say to each other.

#adulting

Even if it's not the best thing to say, I'd be annoyed if someone got mad at me for saying it.

My mum died a few weeks ago. So I know it's difficult for people to know what to say to me about it, nobody really knows what to say and I don't really know how to respond.

So no it's not rude.

It wasn't rude but it has somehow become inappropriate to simply say "I'm sorry" nowadays. just how it is.

Times changed, along with society and sometimes the words we used to communicate has to change too.

I don't know you so this might be a bit strange to say but if you feel like you need to talk to somebody and don't have anyone you can talk about your loss to just drop me a message. I lost my father a few years ago as well.

I usually say: “Damn, that sucks” because it is the most honest thing I could say. No sense in lying saying “I’m sorry” when I could not care less.

maybe some people dont want you to be sorry for them, everyone is different ... some like compassion and others like to be alone

Yeah, but most people when they say it are tryying to be compassionate.

I can kind of see what he meant and agree with another poster here that he was probably just upset and doesn't know how to cope yet. I just lost my grandmother about a week ago and I was telling my girlfriend I don't know how to answer people that come up and say "Sorry" about losing my grandma. Like how am I supposed to respond to that? Thanks? I don't know, I just didn't want to deal with it so I can kind of see where your buddy was coming from. Not the best response, mind you, but still understandable.

I try to say "is there anything I can do for you", cause people know me, know what I'm like around these things, I laugh and I can't help it, I don't think its funny at all. but its just a reaction I cannot control. However saying I'm sorry isn't rude, here in Aus its quite a common thing to say, thankful aus isn't like the usa in regards to saying sorry means your at fault. That's just wack.

When my kidney failed people said sorry about that. I said why did you make it fail. :P

I was in that situation just yesterday. I didn't respond to it. Moved that conversation along like a soldier.

It's not rude and at the same time it doesn't surprise me that someone would find a way to be offended by it.

It is a platitude but he was using it as a weapon and an opportunity to corner you unless the information was essential.

Otherwise he would have accepted your obvious platitude as there is very little you can say in that situation.

It's normal to say your sorry but if you think they are fishing for sympathy then just say "that must be horrible for you" demonstrating you are able to empathise with the possibility of loosing a loved one but the information is just sinking in and even to come up with that is quite quick on your feet.

No. Personally, my opinion is that its better for the person to receive condolence rather than nothing at all. Been through this feeling previously and let me tell you, not getting any form of sympathy hurts more. Its like nobody acknowledged the existence of the person you hold dear

I don't think it's rude. You didn't know this person. You could offer help, but... I don't think he could know how you can help. Death of family member or friend is very hard time for all people. People can feel anger, melancholy, distraction and other terrible feelings. Their answers can be rude, but you shouldn't resent. Maybe I have ever been rude in the same situation, I don't remember that I was answering when people were saying "I'm sorry".

I've found that it seen as more rude when you point and laugh, that was an awkward funeral.

It may seem like such a small comment to say in response to something major such as a death. So in a way it can appear as if your mocking someone. There's nothing that can be said to "make it better", but sending your condolences is just a person trying to be thoughtful and polite which is not bad. A lot of people say "Im sorry for your loss".............

Please don't bump old threads.

-Byshop