I've written a short poem, would anyone care for a quick read and give feedback?

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Danny_1993

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#1 Danny_1993
Member since 2008 • 1798 Posts

If you actually open this thread then thank you :)

Basically I'm an 18 year old guy, I have Asperger's Syndrome, Tourettes, OCD, and a bunch of other social defects, I wrote this poem at 3:35am this morning and was just wondering if any poetry lovers out there would mind giving it a quick look over? If you could then I'd really appreciate it, as I'm thinking of taking this up as a hobby (unemployed due being almost being scared of leaving my house) and I need something to do with my time:

The beauty of love is a treasure, yet to be gifted to me

However it does not mean that my life, is without happiness and glee

It seems I will have to sit back, and wait for it to appear

For if I am to be blessed, may it be to one I hold dear

You should not go seeking for love, it is destined to come to you

But if I am to be struck, I hope for my heart it is true

I don't envy those who possess it, but I long to hear someone say

Those three magical words, that willcertainly brighten my day

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CRS98

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#2 CRS98
Member since 2004 • 9036 Posts
Cheesy and not philosophical for my taste.
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194197844077667059316682358889

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#3 194197844077667059316682358889
Member since 2003 • 49173 Posts
Uses commas where not needed; has the meter and tone of a greeting card, so that may present a career path
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valium88

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#4 valium88
Member since 2006 • 4455 Posts

I think it was great. And good luck with the love.

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Danny_1993

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#5 Danny_1993
Member since 2008 • 1798 Posts
Thanks for the feedback :) It's so strange I was actually thinking of writing greeting cards, you seem to be psychic!
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Frame_Dragger

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#6 Frame_Dragger
Member since 2009 • 9581 Posts
Uses commas where not needed; has the meter and tone of a greeting card, so that may present a career pathxaos
That was generous, IMO.