Judge my writing, OT.

This is a sample I created so that you guys can assess my writing. I would appreciate your criticisms.

I have read worse. The narration was fluid, not rushed. Would like to read further.

@Master_Live:

'I have read worse' implies that though it's not the worst, it isn't very good. What's wrong with it?

Nah, it is just they way I talk. I would characterize my "I have read worse" as neutral or indifferent.

Rate it on a scale from one to ten.

10 is too broad of a range which leaves some numbers meaningless, what is the difference between a 3 and a 4?

On a one to five scale I would rate it a 3 (which I guess would be a 6 on 10-scale).

Your score implies room for improvement. What needs to change? Also, what's the best writing you've ever read?

5/10. A LOT of grammatical errors(I would suggest picking up the book The Elements of Style by Strunk). Your style is making you re-use words. Change it up. Instead of using bunch a second time, use group, etc. Narration seems a little bit rushed. Not enough description after the first few paragraphs. Need to clean up the spacing. Some of those single sentences don't deserve their own paragraph.

Please list the grammatical errors. I need detailed criticism.

EDIT:

I already know that I should have written the first sentence as "Coldness was all he felt."

No, if you want me to edit your writing you'll have to pay me. I don't work for free.

Air, how much do you charge

Shows potential, keep practising and never be afraid to make mistakes so that you can learn from those mistakes.

Be more specific, please.

I used to make a killing in high school editing papers.

I edited the newspaper in high school and then was conscripted to edit our base paper when I was in the Air Force. Since I've gone back to school I tutor a lot of the younger kids and edit in front of them, so they know exactly what they've done wrong. English is definitely my strength.

ha, I wrote for my school paper in junior high and in high school.

Would someone please give me specific and useful advice?

if you can email it to me at allicrombie@hotmail.com, i'd be happy to read it over, can't quite see it here, my eyes are going, =P

How about this?

Descent

The light was blinding. Its contrast with the surrounding darkness intensified its glow; it was damaging to naked eyes. On the screen from which it shone were hundreds of phonetic symbols - letters and numbers - but not those of common, spoken languages, but those of a language unique to computer programming. Only someone who had worked at Caelum Computer Systems Management for at least two years would know it. Well, at least that was the intention; no one planned on a student - a member of the junior class of University One - learning the language in a mere four months.

With tinted lenses snapped on top of his prescription ones, Cyrus analyzed the screen, changing a character or adding a new one every so often.

‘Everything will be just as I like it,’ he whispered to himself.

Hunched over his keyboard, he sat with his legs folded on a cushioned chunk of an asteroid. He was clammy; the light of his monitor reflected off his brown face. He was entranced; his dilated pupils made his eyes appear completely black. He was excited; his chest expanded and contracted rapidly.

Adding a completely new line of code, he whispered to himself once again, ‘Yea, this should definitely do it.’

He raised his hands from the keyboard, swiped his finger across the on-off pad of the monitor and rose from his seat. Shrouded in complete darkness, he made his way to his bed. As he lay down, an image from his memories replaced the darkness before his eyes.

What he saw was a woman partly covered by bed sheets, her bare leg - from her thigh down to her toes - exposed. Slivers of light shined between the slats of Venetian blinds onto the woman’s bare skin and the sheets that partially covered her. Her caramel complexion stood out against the whiteness of the sheets.

He wanted to rub the palms of his hands on her smooth, naked skin.

Staring directly into his soul - brown eyes gazing into brown eyes - she gestured him over. He undressed, leaving his suit and shoes on the floor, and slowly walked over to her. His gait was wobbly. His heart was racing. His breathing was heavy.

Just as he was about to join her in the sheets, he was startled by a monotone, high pitch voice.

‘Guest at the entrance. Guest at the entrance,’ the voice said.

In an instant, the sight of the naked woman partially covered in sheets was replaced by utter darkness. He was back in his room; he was alone again - but not for long.

@emil_fontz: if you'd rather do it that way, thats fine.

C'mon, Alli. Where you at, baby?

You definitely have an interesting start here. I quite like the contrast between the light and dark imagery, however, the line, “Its contrast with the surrounding darkness intensified its glow; it was damaging to naked eyes,” is probably not needed, in the interest of more showing, less telling.

There isn’t a whole lot of conflict here, and that’s fine. Personally, I enjoy slow buildups myself, but you may wish to consider it might be off putting to some readers who want the story to “jump right into the action” so to speak. I’m not saying every scene has to have Tolkien-esque battles, its just something to consider.

We also don’t learn much about your protagonist from this scene beyond a small shred of details, and since I’m assuming this is the start of a new story/chapter, that’s fine, but you may think about introducing some key details sooner, rather than later. The quicker your reader can identify with your protagonist , the easier it is for them to want to accompany them on their journey, so to speak.

Editing mistakes aside, a more varied word choice would definitely help. Of particular note are the words, “screen,”, “darkness”, and “sheets.” A thesaurus couldn't hurt.

It’s also difficult to completely analyze a work of fiction in anything under a few pages, but I’d say you have a decent start here.

Thanks. I appreciate your input. This was the start of a new chapter in a story I'm not sure I'm going to finish. Did you notice any grammatical errors?

Your writing is alright, it didn't really catch my attention.

Nothing too glaring, except "The light was blinding," is a sentence fragment.

You're right. "Blind" is a transitive verb and subsequently needs to be followed by an object.

At your current form of writing it shows potential, however it doesn't grab the reader's attention, the formatting you use breaks up the story a little too much and can result in the reader drifting from what they are reading. To grab and keep the reader's attention, as well as to help you in farther refinement and improvement, you need to learn how to phrase your writing better instead of doing it like an old fashioned telegraph.

There is potential in your writing, you have the imagery there which will develop more over practice and refinement, you just have to be willing to practice and improve for yourself rather than others. Short stories can be helpful for practice while working piece by piece and being willing to do a lot of rewrites, edits and being a critic to your own work.

As I said, you have potential, just needs to be worked on.

My writing is great! I'm the next H.G. Wells. You just wait and see!