Looking For Input on the Start of my Short Story

Hey guys, brief passage from the start of my short story. Heavy Lovecraft influence. What do you all think?

"Beyond reason"

Even on the brightest days, when the benign sun would shine above a clear, sky-blue atmosphere he would hear it calling to him. The barely audible whisper would rise and carry with the cool wind that rustled the fully born trees whose foliage was produced by gorging on the dazzling sunlight and water of light, summer rain.

The call was barely recognizable; its sound a paradox of audible clarity and spectral non-existence."Dyllllan", it would beckon quietly, but with a pang of urgency. Its implications undeniably malevolent, but curiously tempting and inviting, it wanted to share forbidden knowledge with him offering previously unobtainable visions and ideas incapable of being perceived by the usual limits of the mind. It brought with it a wave of nostalgia that would produce faint memories of childhood experiences, when he was alone and the call would present itself, more clearly, and more immediately than it ever had it recent years. Often he would lie in bed at night as a young boy, and dream about the multitude of staggering possibilities the next moment could bring. To a young wandering mind, the future is uncertain and filled with unlimited impossibilities. Each shadow in a dark bedroom at night could be a person, or a grotesque monster from beyond the stars. "Dyllllllan" it would murmur, and all the possibilities of knowledge yet unknown would be confirmed true, and he would lie quivering under the sheets, saved only by his defiant search for a primitive spark of order or undeveloped reason to comfort him. Soon, light would come and people would wake up, things that governed humanity's existence would begin again -- like clockwork -- and the lonely night and its jarring infinity would be forgotten. As he grew he learned of these things, and the call lessened in frequency.

Great start, keep it going. Make the writing bigger though, sopeople can read it easily.

Even on the brightest days, when the benign sun would shine above a clear, sky-blue atmosphere he would hear it calling to him.

The barely audible whisper would rise and carry with the cool wind that rustled the fully born trees whose foliage was produced by gorging on the dazzling sunlight and water of light, summer rain.

The call was barely recognizable; its sound a paradox of audible clarity and spectral non-existence."Dyllllan", it would beckon quietly, but with a pang of urgency.

Its implications undeniably malevolent, but curiously tempting and inviting, it wanted to share forbidden knowledge with him offering previously unobtainable visions and ideas incapable of being perceived by the usual limits of the mind.

It brought with it a wave of nostalgia that would produce faint memories of childhood experiences, when he was alone and the call would present itself, more clearly, and more immediately than it ever had it recent years.

Often he would lie in bed at night as a young boy, and dream about the multitude of staggering possibilities the next moment could bring. To a young wandering mind, the future is uncertain and filled with unlimited impossibilities. Each shadow in a dark bedroom at night could be a person, or a grotesque monster from beyond the stars.

"Dyllllllan" it would murmur, and all the possibilities of knowledge yet unknown would be confirmed true, and he would lie quivering under the sheets, saved only by his defiant search for a primitive spark of order or undeveloped reason to comfort him. Soon, light would come and people would wake up, things that governed humanity's existence would begin again -- like clockwork -- and the lonely night and its jarring infinity would be forgotten. As he grew he learned of these things, and the call lessened in frequency.

Even on the brightest days, when the benign sun would shine above a clear, sky-blue atmosphere he would hear it calling to him. The barely audible whisper would rise and carry with the cool wind that rustled the fully born trees whose foliage was produced by gorging on the dazzling sunlight and water of light, summer rain.

allnamestaken

I'm a big believe in the KISS method: Keep it simple stupid. This method is put foward in such books as 'On Writting Well'. Basically, write how you would speak, and don't use words that just take up space.

Here's my take on the above:

Even on the brightest days

Ok.

when the benign sun would shine above a clear, sky-blue atmosphere

We know it's a clear, blue sky; you just said 'on the brightest days'.

hear it calling to him

Don't use pronouns before defining them.

The barely audible whisper

We know it's barely audible; it's a whisper.

would rise and carry with the cool wind

'AND' causes confusion here, reader expects syntax use: 'this AND that'. Use 'would rise upon' or something to get rid of 'AND'

that rustled the fully born trees

This is what the wind did: it rustled the trees. If they're rustling we can assume they have leaves, no need to mention 'fully borne'.

whose foliage was produced by gorging on the dazzling sunlight

Okay, we're talking about a tree now, and sunlight again. We know how leaves work, no need to get into it.

and water of light, summer rain.

And sunlight again. No, wait...not sunlight? Water of light? Or light, summer rain? Too much 'light' in this sentence.

Writting is hard, and you have to be a butcher to write well. Be succinct. There's still plenty of room to explore your creative instincts, it's just you have to discipline yourself to take a hard look at what you write and toss out the fat. Fat just gets in the way of a good story.

Good luck.

Edit Edit Edit: Dag dangit Firefox is freaking out. Backspace keeps posting before I'm ready. :(

"The barely audible whisper would rise and carry with the cool wind." The whisper was what would rise and carry with the wind. I'll change "the" to "Its"

"Hear it calling to him" Not defining the pronouns adds a sense of mystery and is an effective writing technique.

I'm studying journalism and was required to read Zinsser. I agree with his writing theory when it comes to hard news stories or even narratives that appear in news print, but personally, when it comes to creative writing I'd fall asleep if it was all written like that.

"The barely audible whisper would rise and carry with the cool wind." The whisper was what would rise and carry with the wind. I'll change "the" to "Its"

"Hear it calling to him" Not defining the pronouns adds a sense of mystery and is an effective writing technique.

I'm studying journalism and was required to read Zinsser. I agree with his writing theory when it comes to hard news stories or even narratives that appear in news print, but personally, when it comes to creative writing I'd fall asleep if it was all written like that.

allnamestaken

Yeah I read 'On Writing Well' way back in High School (early 90's) and it influenced me heavily. I write fiction as I would non-fiction, because as far as I see it you're trying to accomplish the same thing: a believable narrative.

[QUOTE="allnamestaken"]

"The barely audible whisper would rise and carry with the cool wind." The whisper was what would rise and carry with the wind. I'll change "the" to "Its"

"Hear it calling to him" Not defining the pronouns adds a sense of mystery and is an effective writing technique.

I'm studying journalism and was required to read Zinsser. I agree with his writing theory when it comes to hard news stories or even narratives that appear in news print, but personally, when it comes to creative writing I'd fall asleep if it was all written like that.

br0kenrabbit

Yeah I read 'On Writing Well' way back in High School (early 90's) and it influenced me heavily. I write fiction as I would non-fiction, because as far as I see it you're trying to accomplish the same thing: a believable narrative.

Reasonably believable, though I intend to get into some pretty heavy cosmological absurdity at the end ; ). All very transcendental. I just really like words, and I figure, "Hey, if I get a little lost along the way, so be it." But that's no excuse for incoherence for sure. allnamestaken

When I'm just getting ideas to paper, I don't care what I write; I just go with the flow. It's what happens after that which separates self-published authors from Stephen King. I've been working on a novel since 1996. I've completed it three times and then scrapped the whole damned thing. I've got drawers full of backstory, geography, national histories, holidays (all these invented, it's fiction) and I know the story I'm telling, but I want it to read like a bobsled, not like an off-road romp.

First off, I wouldn't suggest that you post short stories--or even parts of short stories--on a public forum that you intend to submit for publication. Most publishers want first rights, and posting them online for all to see would be considered "published" in the eyes of a publisher. Just thought I'd let you know. If you want feedback on your fiction, there are good critique sites, such as Critique Circle, where you can post on private forums.



Rei gives some good advice. Courier New is considered one of the standard fonts for professional manuscripts, along with New Times Roman. You can use whichever of these two fonts, unless submission guidelines call for a specific one.



But on to your excerpt. I haven't read any Lovecraft, so I can't comment on just how Lovecraft is similar to your writing. Don't be surprised if my comments go against a particular sty|e you were aiming for. That said, I think you have a decent narrative voice going on here. Verbose, yes, but it has potential to be something really interesting, if you're willing to make some revisions. Like Rei said, telling can be a bore. It's usually better to show, rather than tell, essential elements in your fiction. In case you don't know, showing basically immerses the reader in the story, and that's done in several ways. The most common is to let the actions and being of the characters and events speak for themselves. Instead of telling "The dog was dead", you could show it like this: "The dog lay motionless on the ground. The flies buzzed around a nearby pool of blood--the stench, apparently, exciting them into a frenzy." See the difference? The second example allows the reader to use his own imagination to picture the dog, and to come to the conclusion that it's dead. Vivid details and reader involvement are keys to immersion.



You can do the same in your own story by putting the reader into the story through the protagonist's eyes. How about allowing us to experience what the child is going through? An early example of where you can show is here:

It brought with it a wave of nostalgia . . .

Its implications undeniably malevolent, but curiously tempting and inviting.

. . . and dream about the multitude of staggering possibilities the next moment could bring.

. . . saved only by his defiant search for a primitive spark of order or undeveloped reason to comfort him.