Just finished this, tis a piece of college english coursework i hope to enter. Basically it's a review of life itself, like a product review but.... of life! It's quite long but i've tried to make it entertaining! Please tell me what you think, with constructive criticism :)
Life - A Review
The World is quite a big place you know, bigger than you think. Although I'm sure you're not one of those annoying little peasants who's ignorant of all but who shot who in Eastenders and the latest celebrity gossip; you'll forgive me for summing up the mindset of the majority of the UK's population. Now, I could keep writing about my depressing opinion of the Human Race, so I will! Contrary to popular belief, not all Muslims are terrorists, not all Americans are stupid/lazy/fat, not all English teenagers are pregnant and you CAN find a sober Irishman. You're probably wondering what am I getting at? So I'll explain.
This is a review of 'Life', arguably it's not a very good review but nonetheless I insist on giving you my opinion, as it's probably a better and more accurate one than yours. I will share with you, my good readers, the facts and the reality of all (a few) aspects of Life! 'Life' as I intend to review it, is the period of time between birth and death for an individual. How can you review such a thing, you ask? Well in a complete and probably ill-educated generalization of the world's population I will give you the pros, cons and features of it in the format of a typical product review.
Let me sum up my initial impressions of life with this analogy. Imagine getting ready to go to a nice restaurant, you get there and eat a big tasty meal but when you ask for the bill, the chef comes over and farts in your face. Crude perhaps, but apt and let me explain why. You are born and over the next 20 years you are 'prepared' for life with seemingly endless education, which represents the 'getting ready' part of my story. You pick a possible career path, choosing a meal from the menu, and then order it. So, your 20 something years old and ready to live your life to the full. Money, relationships, fun, friends and aspirations, just like a big tasty meal. It's enjoyable, a challenge perhaps to finish it all but nonetheless a pleasurable experience. So you've finished your meal, feel fat and tired and so you begin the wait for the inevitable, death, as represented by a chef farting in your face, obviously.
Life, apart from a few little annoyances and problems, which I'll address in a bit, is generally a highly polished and very well presented item. Visually stunning in it's full High-Definition and 7.1 surround sound glory and I must say, when your eyes open as a baby for the first time, it is really jaw-dropping; typically drool accompanies this. It's very difficult to compare life to any other product in terms of value for money, comparison with life's' competitors such as the Internet and television, and overall enjoyment. Furthermore, let me say this now, Life isn't for everyone. Depending on the quality of the Life you have and your determination to fulfill it's potential, you may experience problems with it and feel ending your Life is the easiest and most convenient option. However I must advise against this since even as I write this review, I'm yet to experience most of what it has to offer!
Fortunately for you and I, our Lives are far superior to what our ancestors experienced. That's right, Life has been around for a very long time, longer than an Eastenders omnibus on a Saturday! Thanks to technological and ideological progression, the life that we experience today is a much easier and more pleasant.
So what does life involve? Basically it is an uphill struggle to achieve aspirations developed during the earlier of life. Is it worth it? That's a definite, categorical, absolute maybe. You see life is unique to each of us and that is the motivation to progress ones life in a different way to others and therefore to recommend 'getting a life' is difficult on an individual basis.
a UK version of Life typically has a product lifespan of around 75-80 years, not bad considering what you can achieve in that time. Unfortunately for some however that lifespan is much shorter and can be as low as 30 or 40 in some areas of the world, this is usually the result of poor maintenance. With that said, experiences and excitement are key aspects of life that people want to exploit to a varying degree. For example some people many choose to live their lives quietly, safely and who value consistency. On the other hand some wish to push their lives to the limit with 'extreme sports' such as sky diving or rock climbing, alternatively people put their lives on the line on other ways such as fighting in wars or going out to a club in Nottingham on a Saturday night. How a person chooses to live and the decisions they make ultimately effect their lifespan and in an unlikely, but ever present possibility of injury or death. There is no return or replacement policy. However this is the same with any product, it must be protected and it is the individuals' responsibility to maintain it.
Unfortunately there is no 'character' customization of any sort before you start your life and so you could be 'born' somehow deformed, or you could simple start life looking like someone's thrown a brick at your face. Arguably, this is a good thing as it encourages individualism and forces you to, at least physically, be unique. That's not to say I don't feel sorry for poor brick face who's doomed to a life of inferiority. For the rest of us however we can look forward to a varied life full of wonderful experience. Putting death, disappointment, anger, women, pain and suffering to one side for a moment, life is a truly rewarding unpredictable adventure. What's more you'll be glad to hear that you don't have to live alone! If you find yourself on your own, unable to interact with actual other people, get yourself a pet! Okay, you have to feed them, wash them, take care of them and pay for them but at the same time companions are capable of inspiring a deep and durable sense of ownership; and you can give them names like Snuffles.
One, major flaw of life however is that it must be shared with other people. The same people, who watch Nascar, vote for the Monster Raving Looney Party and forward spam emails. Fortunately, there are plenty of bullets available. Furthermore, although life is obviously unique to each person, there are a number of universal constants that maintain balance and fairness in life such as time, death, Tesco and fat kids always winning at seesaw.
Life, for many people, isn't propelled by intellectual advancement or aspirations of achievement, but rather by a leisurely desire to pass the time and have fun, to see what happens next, to find out what would happen if you tried to re-enact "Ghostbusters" in your neighbour's kitchen. It's inviting, undemanding and altogether a lot of fun! It's incredibly difficult to review life to it's full considering its complexities, incredible scope and uniqueness to each individual, however as whole I highly recommend it. To enjoy life to it's full you need to be the kind person who is adventurous and exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
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