my mom just passed away and it's all my fault

I know that no one probably cares but I really don't have anyone to talk to other than friends I have never personally known on the internet.

I have lost my mom to cancer a few days ago. She was diagnosed two years ago with stage 4 colorectal cancer with mets to liver.

After going through 16 cycles of chemo her liver mets only became more thus considered unresectable. So My dear mom opted for stopping chemo which was almost a year ago. After that i started researching to help her. I had zero background in medical field as i am just an artist so it took me months to understand cancer a bit. at first it was just a couple of supplements I would come across on online testimonials, but after a while I was introduced to some people who were investigating Oncology either for a loved one or for themselves at a much serious and deeper level, they helped me figure it out a little and understand the mechanisms through which the drugs they were using worked.

while learning the only thing that i was brave enough to ask my mom doing was a diet known as the budwig diet. I never expected it to work really ( I now know that it actually has a firm science behind it) but i gave it a shot anyways based on anecdotal reports. Surprisingly it really worked and my mom became stable for a few months. The diet was restrict so my mom kinda left it after a few months. That was when i started her on some medicines recently being repurposed in Oncology like Metformin, Mebendazole, Cimetidine, etc. I knew these couldn't be enough my mom's cancer was a KRAS mutation which is known to be problematic and less likely to respond to treatments. now I was looking into a new class of recently emerging drugs which target Cancer cell's metabolism known as Glycolysis inhibitors i.e Methylglyoxal, Sodium Dichloroacetate, 3bromopyruvate, 2doxyglucose,etc..all being experimental drugs but of course cancer patients can not wait for clinical trials so they either self administrate or go to some German or Mexican clinics where patients are allowed to choose their treatment. i chose one and went to another country to get it from the researchers who were working on it to be sure of the quality and proper formulation and being in Iran and under sanctions I had lots of problem to deliver the money (or buy even a simple supplement from Amazon)to another country since we couldn't use Swift nor we are allowed to have a credit card to use online..anyways the whole process took lots of time like 2 months which for a cancer patient is a very big deal. I could've chosen other medicines which were more accessible to me but I chose the one which were more promising and had a great track record of 78 response rate and almost 40 percent complete remission.

unfortunately for me by the time I was back my mom had gone through an unnecessary operation without being told by her doctor that she'd go through a general anesthesia. my mom was on lots of medication and the risk of such operation for her was very high especially since the doctor also had never asked about the meds she was taking and indeed it hit us hard. my dear mom's condition worsened shortly after that. she also had to stop all her meds because some of them had mild anti angiogenesis properties and could also be hard on a liver with compromised function. well the stoppage, let the cancer grow.

she developed Ascites and Edema and things got out of my hands completely as I had my own doubts and fears since I was not a medical doctor after all. as a result my mom lost her trust in all the meds she was taking and stopped all the treatment altogether and I couldn't convince her to get back on them since I was doubtful myself. it became harder and harder for me to take risks. my dad also never believed in anything i was doing and never gave me the courage I needed to use other medicines I had at home so most of the drugs I had gathered with lots of trouble remained unused. still I could have bought other more effective things for such a day but I never expected it to go like this. having an unorganized artistic mind was a huge barrier for me in this road all along and I couldn't manage many things together alone. while my mom's condition was getting worse everyday I used various things but the stress was so high I never managed to choose a single path and have faith in what I was doing.

now from what I've written so far one might think that I'm not to blame that much and my mom's case was a given up on case anyways but this is not true. I personally know many stage 4 terminal cases who are surviving doing various versions of what we were doing. but my planning always was so terrible everything was always late. whatever I tried to do would go through terrible unnecessary complications which could've been avoided if I had planned better. I also strongly believe that if my mom had not stopped her treatments she was with me today. but I couldn't convince her. looking back at how things went I can not say that for sure that if I had begged her she wouldn't resume them. maybe she would. but I was always angry at some of her reactions instead of helping her have a winner mentality. this is where I needed family support but I never had it, still I should've done it myself no matter how hard it was for me to cope with the stress.

I also was never a fan of self administrating drugs specially for a complex disease like Cancer. I asked my mom many times to seek treatments somewhere else and do everything we do and more under the care of a professional (we were working with a doctor from another country but I mean some one who my mom could visit and contact personally) but she had always refused. again looking back at it I wonder if I had begged her maybe I could change her mind.

now that she's gone I'm completely devastated. I have nothing to live anymore. I was already clinically depressed when she was diagnosed but when it all happened I told my self that if I can win this fight..just this fight I could be happy once again. everything could workout again and I promised myself that I have now learned my lesson and now know how valuable life is. I just wanted this from the whole world and now all the dream I worked hard for is gone. before my mom passed away I thought even if couldn't win this fight I probably would find some comfort in helping other patients as I knew many things that could help given up on cases and bring them back science based hope. but now I honestly can not care less. I just want to be with my mother and beg her for forgiveness that I didn't make better and smarter decisions.

I also hate my family since they never offered any help especially my dad who not only has cheated on my mom in the past and while she was fighting with cancer but he also never backed me up during this whole struggle.

so I really don't care how it affects others if I decide to stop living and join my mom as seeing her is the only desire left in me.

sorry about the messy post and also I understand if tl;dr but I couldn't possibly make a shorter version as I already cut many relevant details. I'm not even sure why I post it here but I needed to share with someone cause the pain is just beyond me at this point.

pouya.

Hmm. Not cancer, but my old man passed away about 2 years ago from motor neuron disease. After his death many fingers were pointed about what could have been done better, who didn't visit, and who could have spent more time with him. As he was confined to a bed all day watching tv.

Generally speaking, he wasn't a petty man and wouldn't begrudge anyone. Most people (decent ones at least) would wish well for their loved ones, not for them to be miserable and certainly not to be posting on boards about suicide.

Seems like you should see a councilor or something.

Stage 4 colorectal cancer 5 yr survival rates are around 11% in the US. Your mom made it 2 yrs, which is pretty good. We just lost my father-in-law to cancer a few weeks ago. He lasted about a year.

From your description you did far more than the average person in trying to help. Please note that you were never going to save her and frankly that isn't what would be important to her. I am sure what was important is that you cared and were there for her.

Also, please don't let your mind wander to what ifs. The die was cast far earlier and long term survival once you have reached stage 4 is very, very low. Quoting dubious remission claims for experimental drugs is also pointless. If they are experimental how can they possibly provide valid statistical evidence of longer term remission rates? The medical landscape is littered with examples of drugs that never lived up to their promise. Temporary remission means nothing in and of itself and happens for many reasons: the most common being the bodies own last ditch attempt to save itself. That is why so many people die quickly after a temporary remission.

Most important, you are not at fault for creating a biological/genetic/medical condition in your mom. Nor were you expected to be the worlds foremost expert researcher on cancer and save her.

You were accountable for one thing: to show care and compassion to your mom. You seem to have succeeded greatly in that and I am sure she would be proud and thankful. That was your only duty to her. She would tell you that your duty to yourself is to continue on and show that type of care and compassion to others, most especially your own future family and children.

Right now you may feel cursed, but the truth is that care and compassion is a great gift in life.

It wasn't your fault at all, you did everything you could. Just stay strong. Take it day by day. Communicate your feelings to friends and family and don't be afraid to get help.

I'm greatly sorry for your loss Pouya. May your mother rest in peace and may God have mercy on her and increase her rank.

You did what you could. Don't blame yourself. You did everything that was in your capability. You're not burdened more than your capability. You sought help far away from home. You became knowledgeable in some aspects of medicine. That's more than an average person's capability already.

Everyone eventually passes away. Patience in the face of calamities is better than remaining seated or showing weakness. You are your mother's legacy on this world. Don't think about disappointing her by leaving it unscratched. Everyone has his time. Let fate guide you to your destined place. And once there, make your mark on this world. Do not lose hope in the goodness of truth.

Well I read it all. While this is rather obvious, your mom wasn't going to live forever one way or another. At some point, you were gonna have to accept that she was going to pass away. And you will feel a void in your life that would need healing and restoration.

My "sister in christ" mom passed away last year, months after entering a vegetable state due to medical negligence. My sister was devastated, and still feels the effects of losing the one relative she was close to. And always believed her mom could recover. Till she got that phone call that her mom's heart just stopped. Before her moms death, we went to the hospital and nursing home; praying and spending time with her mom. But ultimately, it was just her moms time to go. Even in the event her mom woke up. At the age of 65, it could have taken years for her brain to recover. She was already having a number of health issues, including type 1 diabetes since youth. Waking up from a vegetable state at an advance age, while being bed confined for years. Would have taken a toll on her muscles and bone density. So her mom is in a better place now with the Lord.

Likewise your mom would likely have a number of health issues, and still be in some sort of chronic pain or suffering. In the event she survived stage 4 cancer that wreck her body for years. Asides from the chance of cancer returning years later. Attempting to "join her", would be futile. She died naturally, while you are thinking of taking your own life. Which she would likely be disappointed in you doing. As she didn't commit suicide in all her pain. So take her example, and make the most of your life while you can. Its likely what she would have wanted from you.

Remember that None of this was your fault. You did Everything you could to help your mom.

One thing for sure is that your Mom knew that You Loved her and that you did all you could for her. Some things are completely out of our control and this is one of them.

You should definitely seek counseling.

God Bless you.

Deeply saddened by your loss. I hope she's in a better place now.

It's always tempting to have something to blame for things that happen without any apparent reason. The burden comes without being elicited, and no destination is assigned where you might be relieved of it. And that's painful. But it's not so much the pain that aches but its hollow nature: Where did it come from and why? and where exactly might it go from here? The world becomes that big fat meanie who vents his non-existent frustrations on you.

To rationalize the bully's behavior by attributing it to yourself is, in my humble opinion, giving yourself too much credit. It's not in my control. I want to take it in my hands but it's air. If it blows and uproots my dreams, it's of her own will. It's a reality that I must accept, not a problem that I need to solve. And so I accept my burden. I throw it on my shoulders. Without reason and destiny, I march ahead and with a certain indifference to my luggage, I forget myself in the vistas around me. There's a frog in the puddle, a mountain in the horizon, a crack in the wall. It all smells so earthly that I forget my universal problems. The diversity alone is enough to subdue the singular nature of my woes. I am not a victim. I am a survivor which is just another way of saying that I've forgotten about my burden.

May you forget your burden.

+1

Being diagnosed with stage four anything is a death sentence for the most part. If anything, you helped prolong and improve what life she had left. Go seek some professional help with your survivor guilt, if family is not going to help.

You did what you could, it's not your fault, what matters is that she isn't suffering anymore. Also, she wouldn't want you to be sad as well and just want you to live your life.

You did not cause it, and it is not your fault. I'm going through somewhat the same thing. My father has had mouth, tongue and cheek cancers for the last 15 years. So many surgeries, radiation treatments, and it was discovered as being back at the end of november. he is starting chemo on thursday, and if the chemo does not go well, it might be too late for another surgery. It's extremely stressful, I know, but it's not your fault.

Sorry for your loss. You did the best you could at the time and you stood by her side. While it may not have been the most pleasant moments of your lives, it was a final moment to say sort of say goodbye with a gesture. I'm sure she'd be thankful for your hospitality. All you can do now is grieve and accept what has happened, for your own sake and sanity.

I felt sadden when Fisher died a few days ago whom I didn't even know personally. Can't imagine the pain your are currently going through with someone close as your mother.

I haven't made a post on here in a while but damn dude. That sucks. Please take Foxhound advice, if your family isn't willing to help you at least go get professional help if possible. You did what you could but you can't be overcome with survivor guilt. And please, don't do anything to hurt yourself.

My deepest condolences. I lost my father to a stroke 3 years ago, stay strong

I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you best.

No it's not your fault. She was ill. I'm sure she appreciated everything you did for her. And in time it will get better. Take it easy dude.

My condolences, and rest in peace to your mother. The important thing is that you tried. Sometimes, there are things beyond your control. I'm sure your mother wouldn't blame you, nor would she want you to blame yourself. Like most mothers, I'm sure she'd want the best for you.

Stay strong man.my deepest condolences.

Very sorry for your loss.

We all deal with grief in our own way, and guilt is a part of that process for most; but dwelling on it can lead to bad places. I want to give you one quote that helps me deal with feelings of guilt and shame:

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

It's a short, straight-forward seemingly inadequate quote but if you think about it, it's true: in your grief, you need to feel sorry not just about your mom, but for yourself. You are strong and you did your best and that fucking sucks, but you need to be be able to look at yourself and feel not pity, but caring.

You are hurt, yes, and when people are hurt we care for them. We don't make them feel worse. Care for yourself.

It is ur fault posting it here

Well first I'd like to let you know that I read your entire post and comprehended most of the situation. You've made me sad by what you went through yourself, and the passing away of your mother. It's always quite regrettable to see these kind of situations. I remember a username by something like "mapleleaf" a Canadian, had his mother die. But if I may say one thing, your mother would want you to be strong, if she were looking down on you from the afterlife. I know it's tough, and I know you will go through a tough period. May she rest in piece and seek a good friend to talk to. I hope you will do okay.

I'm very sorry for your loss, my condolences. The cancer was not your fault, and everything you did you did with only the best of intentions at heart. Always remember that. Speaking as a cancer survivor of many years myself, nothing is assured in this fight....that's what makes it so difficult. The emotional pain may seem unbearable right now, but it will lessen over time. View the pain as an honoring of your mother. That's the view I take whenever I lose someone I deeply care for. I can't really offer any advice aside from try to get out there and exercise. It will make you feel better and is an excellent avenue to release emotion. Put your heart into it and it's all benefit.

Take it easy, take it slow, and allow yourself to mourn.

Keep strong brother. I know what its like to have life take a parent away at an unexpected time. It isn't your fault, if anything you gave her a beautiful ending to a well lived life. I'm sure she realized in her last moments how great of a kid you were for standing there and doing everything you could (When your family didn't).

Our fathers are similar in the fact that both of them are scum, we're similar in the fact that we don't emulate what we're born out of. Do not let this change you or lead you astray. Morality is important, especially in a world that is so self-absorbed and ruthless.

People like you are why life is worth living, people who have compassion. The winner mentality is not your fault either. I can understand why you got angry, it is reasonable. For someone with depression, you seem to be one of the strongest people I've seen in a while. What you've done here is impressive, and don't let life getting in the way discredit you from that.

Keep on walking the long mile friend, and if you ever need anyone my inbox is open anytime.

I would assign you zero blame. Your mother had metastatic colon cancer. The best doctors in the world can do very little against that. Certain cancers are extremely sensitive to radiation and chemotherapy - like testicular cancer. Even when that spreads throughout your body, there is a high chance that the proper treatment can cure it (see Lance Armstrong, e.g.). Other cancers like pancreatic and colon are not very sensitive to chemotherapy/modern medicine treatments. That may slow it and buy the person more time, but it can not cure the disease. The only hope for those patients is to catch it early enough before it spreads - and that is often impossible.

Sometimes, certain cancers can go into mild remissions when treated with either modern or alternative medicine, but invariably that fails. While you may blame yourself, that is more likely depression talking than reality. You can't be at fault for not being able to cure cancer.

thanks for being so kind to me. regarding my father, one other regret that I have is that I never exposed him to my mother who was always suspicious about his cheating and made her live an emotionally unfulfilled life. back when I was freshman we had an exam, after which we were released from school earlier than usual, when I arrived home that day I noticed a cheap unfamiliar bag and and a pair of high heeled sandals by the door which were obviously belong to a stranger. my father heard the door shut when I arrived and came downstairs with a messy look and told me some BS about having one of his coworkers at home who" prefers to be alone" and threw me out. I waited outside of the building complex and saw an ugly woman carrying that bag adn wearing that shoes walking out of the complex and later my dad with his car going after her. when my mom was diagnosed and again now it keeps striking me that if I had exposed that pig, my mom probably would've gotten divorced and lived with a peace of mind and probably hadn't developed cancer or heart problems and surgery prior to that as she could never let go of what my dad was doing and always kept moping( if that's the correct word) over his behaviors. at that time I thought I was keeping my family together by not exposing him and I thought he probably has learned his lesson and would never do it. I was just a stupid kid and obviously I was wrong. he kept doing it continuously.

one thing that I think I've had to mention more clearly which could probably be helpful to others too, is that what we were doing is based on a rather new approach to cancer which sees this disease as a metabolic disorder despite the conventional idea of cancer being a genetic disease. through a metabolic approach cancer is considered to be mainly a mitochondrial dysfunction and treatable even at advanced stages as long as or organ is not completely destroyed by the tumor. the idea is that cancer cells can be starved and that you can interfere with their metabolism selectively with very limited damage to normal cells that's because cancer cells are highly addicted to glucose to produce energy through glycolysis which is an oxygen independent process even when oxygen is present since cancer cells usually have a dysfunctional mitochondria so they don't produce ATP like normal cells instead they produce Pyruvate which later turns into lactic acid and glucose again and again. their other sources of energy also can be tackled as well, so don't let my defeat stop you from looking into it if you or your loved one is dealing with cancer. cancer is till complex and the approach above can be merged with the conventional method so it doesn't mean it's either this or that.
my regret is that I made mistakes in this road as I was scared and lonely and of course inexperienced.

why? I really didn't have anyone to talk to.

You shouldn't blame yourself and shouldn't blame others. These type of tragedies just happen, trying to find someone to point the finger at is not going to help you get pass this. Just learn to appreciate the moments you had with your mother before she passed and more importantly the people you have now. Ignore the naysayers, it's healthy to talk about this even if the people you're speaking to are those in a community of gamers.

I feel you. I lost my dad,mom. Nothings gonna bring them back. I live with my old uncle (soon to die) and cripple 4 life sister. at 35+ no wife, kids even of my own. Move on with life and try to go in the path(Profession) your mom wished you to be. You will be much Happier later on :)

I'm sorry to hear that Indzman. I'm 31 also with nothing literally. when my mom was diagnosed I'd started this small art business. I made hand made jewelry and did some tattooing on my free time. but everything just collapsed. this ****ing disease took everything. even when I was working I didn't have any concentration so my business was already doomed. all I could think was cancer. and after a while I quit the job entirely to focus on cancer. for that experimental medication I mentioned above I went to India actually, to Kolkata where the drug is being developed by a team of scientist and under a clinical trial. I saw India in a way that rarely any tourist has seen. spent most of the time with patients and Oncologists,etc and my impression is that Indians are such a great people. Kolkata and Indians are forever in my heart and for that I wish all the best through the rest of your life as your people have brought back hope to many.

you are correct of course but I really can't get over it as I feel my dad has seriously hurt my mom before and after her diagnosis. I do have a sister too. she also did nothing but I don't blame her since she had a little boy to take care of. still, most of the blame is upon me as there were many approaches and medications to try and I just couldn't manage to have them at home to use when things go out of hand.

You have to know that whatever your father has done is not your fault. I understand that if you told your mother perhaps things would've turned out differently, however he is the one who decided to cheat, not you. Life will catch up with him, it always does with those kind of people.

I wouldn't bother focusing on the old sack honestly. I went through a period similar like you where I had laser focus on my father and it only created an intense hatred that was slowing me down. Don't let his screw-ups distract you from whats really important.

Don't. You start blaming yourself and others, thinking about the could've/would've/should've, you're digging a hole you will have a hard time climbing out of. Think about what your mom would have wanted. Are you really helping yourself and others by indulging these mental self harm? Worse, these type of behavior might manifest itself in inflicting physical injuries

my mom once caught my father flirting on the phone while she was carrying a chemo IV infusion bag. I remember her crying while carrying that goddamn bag around. how can I forgive this man? just how?
I'm certainly not going to hurt that man. the only one I can physically hurt is myself.

defintely, a bowling in hell. what kills me is that caring mask he's always wearing. all the people that haven't lived with him think he's such a gentleman.
I try not to focus on him but I just can't stand that self righteous look on his face anymore. I really wish what you say is true and life will catch up on with him.

Yeah thats the worst part. People don't see through him outside of the house, he plays nice out there.

Life will most likely catch up with him (I can't 100% guarantee that) but I feel it will. There is only so long people can live a lie before it ends up ruining them.

The qualities in which your father carries are self destructive, and will most likely end up ruining his life.

The entire world is trying to cure cancer and it still kills millions. You are one person who doesn't even have a medical background. You may not have saved your Mom, but you have my respect for fighting as hard as you did against all odds. Your Mom was lucky to have you there for her.

You seem to be a strong and determined person. I hope you are able to get through your grief and someday find someone or something that inspires you and drives you, as much as trying to save you mother did. And I hope in that endeavor, you find success.

I'm from Kolkata :D

Stopped reading halfway through, but TC sad to hear that. Cancer is a real **** and I hope one day there can be some kind of cure that works for at least most people.

What are you going to accomplish by continuing to blame him for that incident? Not saying you should forget about what he did, but keep dwelling on it isn't really helping anyone.

I realize that. I guess I'm not trying to help anyone here. in fact deep down I only want suffering for everyone in my family including myself. I just don't understand how we are going to pretend that we can still be a family. if we all had done our bests we probably could become a whole again but now it's only a matter of time this dysfunctional family falls apart.

I deleted my original response to you as it was irrelevant. what you said about inspiration is true. I had never noticed it but the truth is that through my whole life I've been struggling with lack of motivation. this fight when we were doing good, actually reversed my depression. I completely stopped taking all my meds which i had been on for around 10 years. thanks for what you said.

My brother had brain cancer when I was a kid and that effed up my family pretty bad. If you ever wanna chat send me a PM.