my poem, criticize and rate please!

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Montaya

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#1 Montaya
Member since 2005 • 4269 Posts
"Standing in line
The clock is ticking
It seems like forever
Your feet aching
Sweat dripping down your face
Your almost in the heat now
A step to the left
A step to the right
Now you are in your lane to get in the fight
Wondering where you'll be at the end of this flight
The faster lane to the right
Is pushing people up high
But they can barely fly
And you know you can soar
But not for too long
You follow a different path
So now your trying to pass along on the right
Trying to make it to the front to see this gorgeous gal in white
But shes going to fast
And the traffic is too thick
Her path looks too dangerous
You're tired of waiting
There's too many detours
But you really cant afford to move aside
You don't want to be in a fading light
Even though you may catch up to this gal in white
The fast lane can throw you in an endless fight
So once more a few steps to the left
Your wondering how much time you got left
Because the pain and strain
Will force you off this lane
While the gal in white
Could just be going too fast for your scheduled flight."

Stick with your main goals and don't take the tempting detour because it can be unforgiving is pretty much the message here. Its really about trying to find that perfect girl, with unmatched beauty and personality while trying to not settle for other girls who just arent right for you or not as attractive as you truly desire. But could end up, having this so called perfect woman not being what you waited so long for or never finding her. Dont get me wrong though im not shallow, i hate getting with chicks who cant hold convos or dont know who won ww2.

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Montaya

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#2 Montaya
Member since 2005 • 4269 Posts
no posts, i guess no one likes my poem :cry:. lol jk, but more rates please? i dont want to read this poem in class and have it suck lol.
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Brmarlin

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#3 Brmarlin
Member since 2006 • 2559 Posts
No offense meant. But, I don't really like it. Partially for things going on in my life, partially because you tried rhyming "left" with "left".
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nuclear_cookout

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#4 nuclear_cookout
Member since 2005 • 8617 Posts
I think it's good, although I'm not really sure how to rate poems.
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Montaya

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#5 Montaya
Member since 2005 • 4269 Posts

No offense meant. But, I don't really like it. Partially for things going on in my life, partially because you tried rhyming "left" with "left".Brmarlin

yeah its cool, i was just trying to write an acceptable poem nothing major. and yeah ill be fixing it up some more thanks for the feedback.

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DriftMax

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#6 DriftMax
Member since 2007 • 591 Posts

I'm also having abit of trouble with a poem of mine

There once was a man from Nantucket

His d**k was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

While whiping his chin

Ok now can someone tell how the last 2 lines go?

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mealex

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#8 mealex
Member since 2005 • 1564 Posts
I'll give it a 4. Pretty good keep it up. ( and I don't like poetry that much)
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quiglythegreat

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#9 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts
You switch between jumping, driving, flying in an air plane and hiking as your metaphors.
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Brmarlin

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#10 Brmarlin
Member since 2006 • 2559 Posts

I'm also having abit of trouble with a poem of mine

There once was a man from Nantucket

His d**k was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

While whiping his chin

Ok now can someone tell how the last 2 lines go?

DriftMax

Ow!

It's in my eye!

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Montaya

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#11 Montaya
Member since 2005 • 4269 Posts

You switch between jumping, driving, flying in an air plane and hiking as your metaphors.quiglythegreat

hmm well it shouldnt sound like it. But what it is is waiting in line to get on a flight, an aircraft i guess.

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quiglythegreat

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#12 quiglythegreat
Member since 2006 • 16886 Posts

[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"]You switch between jumping, driving, flying in an air plane and hiking as your metaphors.Montaya

hmm well it shouldnt sound like it. But what it is is waiting in line to get on a flight, an aircraft i guess.

See, it shouldn't be a dream, it should be clear to you what's going on. You mention traffic and passing people on the left. You make it sound exactly like you're in gridlock. And when do you stand in line to get onto an airplane for so long in a let-down manner like that? You don't. You wait to get past security maybe, or maybe even to get the tickets, but even if you get on a HUGE plane you're not waiting any more than 30 minutes in a line to board, no matter what.
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Montaya

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#13 Montaya
Member since 2005 • 4269 Posts
[QUOTE="Montaya"]

[QUOTE="quiglythegreat"]You switch between jumping, driving, flying in an air plane and hiking as your metaphors.quiglythegreat

hmm well it shouldnt sound like it. But what it is is waiting in line to get on a flight, an aircraft i guess.

See, it shouldn't be a dream, it should be clear to you what's going on. You mention traffic and passing people on the left. You make it sound exactly like you're in gridlock. And when do you stand in line to get onto an airplane for so long in a let-down manner like that? You don't. You wait to get past security maybe, or maybe even to get the tickets, but even if you get on a HUGE plane you're not waiting any more than 30 minutes in a line to board, no matter what.

yeah im fixing it to sound like driving. And im not sure but what you mean that i should be sure whats going on. It is like a dream but reality at the same time, the problem is im just no so sure anymore about the dream. but it really isnt replicating how it really is in reality, consider it conceptual without restrictions like a dream or nightmare.