need help with story iam making

ok iam working on a story iam working on the only thing i require is that

-you must be at least 15

-like anime

-are very open mined

-can draw-optional

-leave your email if intrested or pm me

ok iam working on a story iam working on the only thing i require is that

-you must be at least 15

-like anime

-are very open mined

-can draw-optional

-leave your email if intrested or pm me

small_alchemist

heres a small part of the story i will give detail if you email me at wolfkeeper_14@yahoo.com   or pm me      

                   level 1

-the boy was sleepng but the night wasn't,this is a story of death,happiness,love and betraly
 now enter the life of not a boy but the birth of a new world and how he changes it enter the
  life of eddy rainhart.

- the lightning was ferice that night, the tears of rain flowed throught the roof of eddys house
there were puddles in pots in pans the room was poorly built, the clock glowed 11:30 pm 

-meanwhile something was happening in the dreams of eddy a figure struck at him eddy doged
 he questioned the figure.

-"Who are you!" eddy shouted

-the figure struck again eddy could barely see in the darkness of the room this time eddy was hit
  in the chest the pain was to much he felt bones snap in his chest he spat blood.

-so he began running but never reached anywere soon he turned around holding his wound
   heavly breathing it was cold as death in the darkness.
 

-the figure reappered in front of eddys face eddy felt frozen the figure pulled out a shining light
  eddy coundn't move he was frozen in fear the light countinued to grow.

-"who are you...stop!!"this now eddy shouted

-as the light grew eddy was in pain his chest felt as if he were drowning in water
  the light grew more eddys whole body felt as if the flames of hell were embraceing him

-"Arghhhhh stop" eddy countinued to plead for him to stop the figure ignored him and laughed

-then the figure stuck out his hand and grabed eddys face tightly crushing his head and raised him up eddy
still laughing and holding eddy the figure struck the light into eddy "BOOOOOOM!!!"

-"AAHHHHHHHHH" eddy awoke in a cold sweat screaming breathing heavly shaking in fear.
   he looks at the clock next to his bed it was flashing 12:00 am

-he looked out the window next to his bed it was raining hard then BOOOM lighting struck
  his heart was pounding hard eddy wondered.

-"it only a dream but it felt so real"

-he felt his chest were had it had been hit in his dream there was no pain

-he layed back down after he calmed down and said

-"It was only dream it coudn't have been real could it?"

-the lightning strikes once more "kaboooom!"

Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.Kokiri-Kid

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

heres a small part of the story i will give detail if you email me at wolfkeeper_14@yahoo.com or pm me

level 1

-the boy was sleepng but the night wasn't,this is a story of death,happiness,love and betraly
now enter the life of not a boy but the birth of a new world and how he changes it enter the
life of eddy rainhart.

- the lightning was ferice that night, the tears of rain flowed throught the roof of eddys house
there were puddles in pots in pans the room was poorly built, the clock glowed 11:30 pm

-meanwhile something was happening in the dreams of eddy a figure struck at him eddy doged
he questioned the figure.

-"Who are you!" eddy shouted

-the figure struck again eddy could barely see in the darkness of the room this time eddy was hit
in the chest the pain was to much he felt bones snap in his chest he spat blood.

-so he began running but never reached anywere soon he turned around holding his wound
heavly breathing it was cold as death in the darkness.

-the figure reappered in front of eddys face eddy felt frozen the figure pulled out a shining light
eddy coundn't move he was frozen in fear the light countinued to grow.

-"who are you...stop!!"this now eddy shouted

-as the light grew eddy was in pain his chest felt as if he were drowning in water
the light grew more eddys whole body felt as if the flames of hell were embraceing him

-"Arghhhhh stop" eddy countinued to plead for him to stop the figure ignored him and laughed

-then the figure stuck out his hand and grabed eddys face tightly crushing his head and raised him up eddy
still laughing and holding eddy the figure struck the light into eddy "BOOOOOOM!!!"

-"AAHHHHHHHHH" eddy awoke in a cold sweat screaming breathing heavly shaking in fear.
he looks at the clock next to his bed it was flashing 12:00 am

-he looked out the window next to his bed it was raining hard then BOOOM lighting struck
his heart was pounding hard eddy wondered.

-"it only a dream but it felt so real"

-he felt his chest were had it had been hit in his dream there was no pain

-he layed back down after he calmed down and said

-"It was only dream it coudn't have been real could it?"

-the lightning strikes once more "kaboooom!"

small_alchemist

sounds pretty cool...i myself am writing a story...i want it to feel like an rpg but of course it's not a game...i just want it to feel like one...you can find out more info on my latest and greatest blog!!!!steppinrazor88

dude I understand what your saying lol

hey so is anybody intrested?

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.small_alchemist

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

Sure, I'll help, do you have AIM?

hey so is anybody intrested?

small_alchemist

Sure, I'll help, do you have AIM?

Kokiri-Kid

yeah Iveyjoker1 but it's my dads but he won't mind

hey so is anybody intrested?

small_alchemist

[QUOTE="small_alchemist"]

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.ayanami_rei

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

hey i could use a writer like you so are you in?

[QUOTE="ayanami_rei"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"]

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.small_alchemist

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

hey i could use a writer like you so are you in?

[QUOTE="ayanami_rei"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"]

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.small_alchemist

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

hey i could use a writer like you so are you in?

i'll send the story to you It could use more feel to it and i need to get a new aim. so leave yours if you have one leave your. 

[QUOTE="small_alchemist"][QUOTE="ayanami_rei"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"]

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.steppinrazor88

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

hey i could use a writer like you so are you in?

[QUOTE="steppinrazor88"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"][QUOTE="ayanami_rei"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"]

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.ayanami_rei

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

hey i could use a writer like you so are you in?

okay i got to make a new aim wait i'll be there

[QUOTE="ayanami_rei"][QUOTE="steppinrazor88"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"][QUOTE="ayanami_rei"][QUOTE="small_alchemist"]

[QUOTE="Kokiri-Kid"]Well, your requirments make absoloutly no sence from thte amount of information we are given. You CERTINETLY dont have to be 15 to have amazing writing talent.steppinrazor88

sorry if i offended you in any way but scratch that any age is okay

hey i could use a writer like you so are you in?

A couple suggestions.  You need to fix the grammatical stuff.  There are a gazillion run on sentences.  Also, the first sentence has to go, too corny.