"Hi there"

"Hi there" was the only thing said as i looked over and gazed into the beautiful blue eyes of what could only be said to be the most beautiful woman i had ever seen,her black hair flowing down the back of her neck in beautiful shining curls.Her face held a kind of softness that can only be seen in true beauty,and a little mole below her right eye, I can not imagine why she would want to talk a man in a plain white t, a pair of blue jeens, and scruffy 5'o clock shadow huched over with an angry look on his face and a half-empty drink in his hand at a honkey-tonk bar but she still talked to me all the same. After gazing into each others eyes for what was moments but seemed like hours....it felt like the gods had sent down an angel to save me from the pit of despair laying below a long relationship that had just ended terribly. I was just about to leave the bar when i saw her, and after hours of talking i finally left the bar...with her walking right beside me, we got in my car and began to drive, alot of murders had happened recently but i thought nothing of it as i began to drive her home......

this is the first paragraph in a book I'm planning on writing rate it on a scale of 1-10 i hope you like it i won't give away anymore so don't ask

EDIT:is this better?

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

Total-KO

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

What are you writing...a romance novel?:?LJS9502_basic

no it's a mystery/crime novel

[QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

dragonflame365

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

[QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

Samwel_X

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

[QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

dragonflame365

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

Oh... would be better if he had a split personality, but he didn't know and he is like "The killer isn't me" and their like "your DNA is everywhere"

3/10

You need more description. What does the woman look like? What color are her eyes, her hair, what are her distinct features? What is the bar like, what is your character like? Without description, any and every story is a flop.

[QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

dragonflame365

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

[spoiler] Professor Snape comes back after dying and then kills everyone!?!?!? [/spoiler]

[QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

Samwel_X

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

Oh... would be better if he had a split personality, but he didn't know and he is like "The killer isn't me" and their like "your DNA is everywhere"

i might use that i havent wrote it yet just notes so i don't forget the storyline

[spoiler] good job!!!!!!!!!!!!;) [/spoiler]

[QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

dragonflame365

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

Oh... would be better if he had a split personality, but he didn't know and he is like "The killer isn't me" and their like "your DNA is everywhere"

i might use that i havent wrote it yet just notes so i don't forget the storyline

[spoiler] good job!!!!!!!!!!!!;) [/spoiler]

*runs to copyright office* Damn you i want Royalities from this...

3/10

You need more description. What does the woman look like? What color are her eyes, her hair, what are her distinct features? What is the bar like, what is your character like? Without description, any and every story is a flop.

Silver_Dragon17

[QUOTE="Silver_Dragon17"]

3/10

You need more description. What does the woman look like? What color are her eyes, her hair, what are her distinct features? What is the bar like, what is your character like? Without description, any and every story is a flop.

dragonflame365

Yeah, what would we do?:P

BTW, I'm also writing a book.;)

[QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

dragonflame365

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

Oh... would be better if he had a split personality, but he didn't know and he is like "The killer isn't me" and their like "your DNA is everywhere"

i might use that i havent wrote it yet just notes so i don't forget the storyline

[spoiler] good job!!!!!!!!!!!!;) [/spoiler]

The split personality thing is lame and overdone. Do something else. You can write a great mystery without having to resort to cheap trickery.

[QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

Rhazakna

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

Oh... would be better if he had a split personality, but he didn't know and he is like "The killer isn't me" and their like "your DNA is everywhere"

i might use that i havent wrote it yet just notes so i don't forget the storyline

[spoiler] good job!!!!!!!!!!!!;) [/spoiler]

The split personality thing is lame and overdone. Do something else. You can write a great mystery without having to resort to cheap trickery.

who said it would be a twist at the end? You could know from maybe a third into the book, then the protagonist could have to hide from the police and stop himself from killing... could have a nice bit of "on the run with the serial killer" going on.

Novels....that was.ook but heavy handed

"Hi there" was the only thing said as i looked over and gazed into the beautiful blue eyes of what could only be said to be the most beautiful woman i had ever seen,her black hair flowing down the back of her neck in beautiful shining curls.Her face held a kind of softness that can only be seen in true beauty,and a little mole below her right eye, I can not imagine why she would want to talk a man in a plain white t, a pair of blue jeens, and scruffy 5'o clock shadow huched over with an angry look on his face and a half-empty drink in his hand at a honkey-tonk bar but she still talked to me all the same. After gazing into each others eyes for what was moments but seemed like hours....it felt like the gods had sent down an angel to save me from the pit of despair laying below a long relationship that had just ended terribly. I was just about to leave the bar when i saw her, and after hours of talking i finally left the bar...with her walking right beside me, we got in my car and began to drive, alot of murders had happened recently but i thought nothing of it as i began to drive her home......

this is the first paragraph in a book I'm planning on writing rate it on a scale of 1-10 i hope you like it i won't give away anymore so don't ask

EDIT:is this better?

dragonflame365

Much better, I'm getting a clear picture of both characters. With some improvement, it will be a very nice paragraph indeed. 6/10.

[QUOTE="dragonflame365"]

"Hi there" was the only thing said as i looked over and gazed into the beautiful blue eyes of what could only be said to be the most beautiful woman i had ever seen,her black hair flowing down the back of her neck in beautiful shining curls.Her face held a kind of softness that can only be seen in true beauty,and a little mole below her right eye, I can not imagine why she would want to talk a man in a plain white t, a pair of blue jeens, and scruffy 5'o clock shadow huched over with an angry look on his face and a half-empty drink in his hand at a honkey-tonk bar but she still talked to me all the same. After gazing into each others eyes for what was moments but seemed like hours....it felt like the gods had sent down an angel to save me from the pit of despair laying below a long relationship that had just ended terribly. I was just about to leave the bar when i saw her, and after hours of talking i finally left the bar...with her walking right beside me, we got in my car and began to drive, alot of murders had happened recently but i thought nothing of it as i began to drive her home......

this is the first paragraph in a book I'm planning on writing rate it on a scale of 1-10 i hope you like it i won't give away anymore so don't ask

EDIT:is this better?

Silver_Dragon17

Much better, I'm getting a clear picture of both characters. With some improvement, it will be a very nice paragraph indeed. 6/10.

w00t!!!!!! 3+3 from silver W00T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good stuff so far.Thorpe89

thanks

[QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Samwel_X"][QUOTE="dragonflame365"][QUOTE="Total-KO"]

Tell me more please, it sounds interesting/10.

Samwel_X

no like i said at first i'm not telling anymore but.....

[spoiler] the killer isn't who you think it is!!!!:D [/spoiler]

Killer = main character, he kills women. Predictable :D

nope killer kills woman man gets blamed man tries to catch killer before police get man

Oh... would be better if he had a split personality, but he didn't know and he is like "The killer isn't me" and their like "your DNA is everywhere"