Relationship Advice?

Hi all, I'm a relatively new user but I've been following this forum for awhile now because it's been a really good source of distraction from what's been happening.

I'm not sure if it's going to help by creating a thread, but I do need some advice and I don't really know where else to turn to because my best friends don't understand the situation I'm going through (I've tried approaching them before but they simply couldn't help).

Basically, I've been in a long term relationship for 5 years now, counting our past arguments and break periods. We've had our ups and downs but typically we always came out strong. After being together for 4 years, we started to talk about plans for marriage and kids in the future, and things were going smoothly up to the mid of this year, where our relationship hit a very rocky turn. I had just started out on my career and was extremely busy, while she was still in her last year of college.

One particular night, we were supposed to meet but because of an upcoming project, I had to cancel at the last minute. She got really mad and told me off, saying that I'm always like this, putting my work ahead of her. I admit that I'm really ambitious and may tend to get carried away with my responsibilities but that's because I see things from a wider perspective (or at least that's what I tell myself). The whole point of working hard now is so that I can save up for the wedding and our future home together. Anyone who's married would understand the stress right?? Was I wrong to have felt this way? I conveyed it to her but she didn't seem to care or understand.

That night, in a fit of anger, she went out with another guy (that clearly liked her) for drinks, and although I wasn't okay with it, I couldn't quite do anything about it either. Long story short, she disappeared that whole night until the next day afternoon, I mean it's pretty clear what happened right?

Not to hold grudges, but because I was pretty upset and started getting insecure, I got closer to a female colleague which pissed my girlfriend off and made her insecure as well. I only did it to get back at her, not because I wanted **** around with other people - ultimately I still wanted to marry this girl.

Perhaps because of this incident, my girlfriend (yes I forgave her in the end) started to change and actually became a lot more understanding and caring, and things seemed to be working out well. Our relationship actually was getting better since then, and last month, I decided I was going to propose to her at the start of the new year. I had even picked out a ring already... and even asked her parents for permission (they love me by the way).

If you know where this story is headed, Yes - she called me out of the blue last week and said that she couldn't do this anymore, she didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not, her life is just starting out, she isn't sure if she's ready to settle down, blah blah. Bottom line, she wanted a break from us and left it at that.

I'm terribly sorry for such a long post, but my question here is: What should I do? Should I still try to win her back and propose? Walk away? I don't know. I get the feeling that there's something she's not telling me but when I asked her, obviously she said no.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Long story short, you both have some pretty big emotional issues and issues with communicating. When it comes to "winning people back" my theory is to not try because it's probably too late. If you really want to throw up a hail mary, then your pitch should be "I haven't been listening to you, but I've put five years into this relationship and I want to do what it takes to fix it." Honestly, though, that probably should've been your pitch a year or two ago, not now. When you think she might say yes to a proposal and she's saying she wants to move on, you know there's a HUGE disconnect there. Here's the long version:

• You don't see things from a wider perspective, she was just feeling a need to connect with you at a time when you were preoccupied with work. She felt ignored, she lashed out at you, and you ignored her feelings because you were more focused on the logical aspect of things. Neither of you is wrong to feel what you were feeling, but you're both wrong to not recognize the other's perspective. This is something that could have come to light through counseling.
• I'm assuming that, being a senior in college, she doesn't exactly have loads of free time either. Yeah, you may have been too busy with work to do what she wanted when she wanted, but she was probably too busy with college to do the same for you. It's not a one-way street. Unfortunately, dating with busy schedules can be hard. You have to find time when both of you are free to spend together, and then one or both of you might end up not really being in the mood during the planned time. Further, you lose spontaneity, which is a big turn-on for women, and if you don't do the deed one or both of you can end up freaking out over it, turning sex into an anxiety-inducing activity. There's plenty of advice online about how to get around this, including counseling, but again, the big issue is communication.
• She may not have cheated on you, but even if she didn't she was wrong to make you think she did as a way of getting back at you. You were wrong to make her jealous as a way of getting back at her. If you don't end up being able to fix this relationship, you can look back to this part right here as a reminder of just how dysfunctional it really was.
• Maybe she changed because she wanted to, maybe she changed out of fear that you were going to leave her. If it's the latter, know that she was responding to some pretty damn manipulative behavior and you shouldn't take her changed attitude as a sign of progress. If it's the former, then neither of you ever really addressed how the other hurt them meaning there's a lot of repressed anger and your relationship was not doing great even if you thought it was.
• Asking her parents was probably a mistake. You just assumed your relationship was going to pick up where it left off before you started to hurt each other, didn't talk to her to confirm it, and went straight to her parents. Her parents probably said something to her, she realized she was in a completely different place than you, and that's why she called you. If you do try to fix this, realize that this isn't going to go straight into the engagement phase. Even if she takes you back, she's probably going to need time to figure out if she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.
• Whatever you do, be patient. There's probably nothing she's not telling you, she just needs to figure things out, like she said. Pushing too hard could push her away for good. Of course, maybe she's already decided she doesn't want to be with you. You have to be prepared for the possibility that this is already over.

1. I'm sorry to hear about the situation.

2. To me, you need time for more perspective. Given that there is not enough conviction within you to go ahead and pursue the relationship is a cue that you may need to let time pass by and revisit this.

Let her go and start off with someone else. A fresh start. In my opinion by the way. Good luck.

She's already stated that she's not interested in marriage at this point (her reasons sound valid as well) so no need to pursue that further. But you should definitely talk to her about whether she still wants to be with you, putting any idea of marriage aside for the foreseeable future. It's a simple yes or no answer so you can move on with your life. And the "break" is basically a no in this case as well I guess.

Sounds like you should go your separate ways. Not every relationship has to work out and if people grow apart, it's perfectly normal.

2

Dump her.

If you're 20 something I think you'll be happier alone. You can travel, hangout with friends without a whiny girl making you feel bad all the time.

Just imagine, you could be on a trip in a much better country than you are now. Seeing sights, eating good food, getting drunk, meeting people.

Move on my friend and let this be an experience. I know it sounds cliche but life is short man and we all have one life to focus on what we want to do and ultimately be happy with ourselves. Love yourself before loving a significant other. What she seems to care about man is the now not the future, that is why she was upset at you for canceling last minute, she just wanted to spend some time with you. While you were more focused on pushing yourself to a "all work; no play" life style which isn't a bad thing but remember do enjoy yourself as much as you can man and one important thing about enjoying life is to keep that "kid" inside you for as long as you can...

I know it'll seem like I'll stray off course and I do apologize, this is much easier for me when I speak to people in person as I give advice about females in general or just life. Anyways...

You mention she went out with a guy because she was angry but don't assume what may or not have happened. When guys assume and I know it can be difficult to not wonder what's going on try not to assume because as humans, the way we think we'll always assume the worst. You assumed and it led to your insecurity which then led you to get "closer" with a female colleague. It's like your fighting fire with fire now, which I see you did it to get back at her.

In the end, you said she doesn't know if she wants to be with you or not. This isn't a good sign because she doesn't know what she wants in life, she sounds young; immature in her thought process, despite you guys being together for 5 years. What's the best course of action now is to let her be man, let her live her life and "find" herself. Normally, girls and guys go through phases in life and try to find themselves or seek adventure/fun. She needs a break from you. Your best remedy is distraction. Continue working and focusing on yourself and when you have free time; hang out with your friends, spend time with family. Maybe pick up a hobby, join the gym, go out. Don't text her, call her, or seek her. Let time pass and let her come to you. Depending on the time and how long time has passed then you make that call whether you want to start fresh or tell her that everything has happened for a reason and you feel you want to continue being single. I know it'll hurt if it's not already but time heals all man...

If she cheated on you, you should ask her, and if she did, you should break up with her.

If you cheated on her, she should break up with you. The way you (nickeddreams) worded what happened was not clear to me as to if you cheated or didn't cheat.

The guy I like(d) did something similar to what you did with your colleague. To this day, I'm still not sure if he's still with her, was with her, or never was with her. The guy I like(d) ended our contact by saying that he didn't want to contact me. And in my opinion, if he doesn't want to contact me then I don't want to contact him.

If you really love the girl, you should definitely let her know and make sure she's on the right page with where you both think your relationship status is at.

Just walk. If, she loves you she will come back to you.

Love isn't enough for a relationship, you are a fool if you believe otherwise.

It's over, move on.

If honest, I can understand her. She is finishing the colleage, so it is the start of her adult life. Her mind, views can change in the quite new direction. So it can be a mistake to get married right now.
If you do love her, try to be patiant and give her time.

Well, I would personally move on. Not right away, I mean....five years, wow, I am sorry man but that cannot feel good; gotta take some time to heal, get drunk, angry, then peaceful. Not only the emotional loss, but the loss of investment of time and resources. Sorry man, with all empathy I say this: that sucks :(

Just, you know, learn from it, don't make the same mistakes on your next relationship and spot the warning signs in your next significant other before five years have gone by.

Probably best you guys split, whether she chose to or you did.

I am very sorry about your situation.

-------------------------

You know what this thread needs, is the good ol' Gamespot Girl advi--

@commander said:

Ah, there it is! An oldie but a goodie, up there with "touch her shoulder" and "who is phone?"

Meh, the relationship was toxic for both of them. Even if she came back, not good to rekindle that flame. They deserve to be with other people that are better for them.

They both have some growing up to do if they are still doing "revenge dating" because they pissed each other off, that is some high school bullshit right there.

Agreed, I am a completely different person than I was in high school, and a completely different person than I was after college...and pretty different from who I was five years ago when I got a serious job. I hope to be slightly more different in a couple years, too.

The trick is finding someone willing to change with you, and you with them, provided the change is for the better.

The above relationship sort of seemed like it was "me me me" and not so much about "us". Not a big loss, they both sound like they have some growing up to do, but that is what relationships are for.

Thank you. After doing a lot of thinking and reading on the internet, I've also decided to take some time for myself before doing anything.

All your points make a lot of sense to me. Thank you for taking the time to write. I will think about all of them. When I posted here, a thousand thoughts were going through my head. I have become a lot calmer now and I can see how our relationship was broken. You are right about her not having time, and the dysfunctional nature of our relationship.

I also agree about not pushing too hard. I've decided to not contact her for 30 days after coming across an article on winning her back. Basically, the article said what pretty much you and a few others have told me to do on this thread. Take some time, get some perspective and don't push her too hard. (Here's the article in case you are curious https://getyourexbackpermanently.com/win-your-ex-girlfriend-back/).

I know I am young, but I was so sure about her. I guess I might have to move on. It just sucks though.

I am realizing my insecurity played a huge role in the breakup. I wish they teach all this stuff in school.

I did not cheat on her. Just started talking and spending more time with another girl. Although, I think some people may classify that as cheating. Come to think about it, it was very childish of me to do that.

Yes, this is what I thought as well. It's probably too soon for marriage. I am going to be patient. Give her time and give myself time as well (as other's in this thread suggested).

Shes already cheated on you and cannot appreciate you wanting to focus on work..... what do you think? It sounds like you two have two very different mindsets on where you want the future to go.

Focus on your career, go out with your friends and have some one night stands if you must and then worry about marriage later on. Or, if you feel the need to be in a long term relationship, find a woman who is 27 or above. I tend to find the 18-25 age range to be way too much work, they're fun for a night or week or whatever, but they like drama, they like to drink to excess, they like to go out to stupid places, and in my experience they really crave attention (and often be hypersexual) that if they don't get from you, they'll go some place else.

Meh, this is my biggest gripe with relationships. People force themselves to be attached to someone for what reason exactly? If you don't feel emotionally well then move on. Find someone else. I can't imagine you marrying her considering that it's clear that it should end.

I feel im so weird. All my life have had people chase me but refuse to settle down, granted im in my mid 20's. Im emotionally uninterested in a relationship because I detest fighting. I've had 1 relationship last 2 months and were some bad moments for me. I do however love sex and my sexual partners are too much to count. I'm not a whore, I simply find sex to be something that I actually need, love I could but haven't found anyone to love yet.

Females don’t want to settle down until they start getting ugly around 29-30 range. They want to spend their youth partying and getting laid.

Then reality sinks in around 30 when men aren’t approaching them anymore and their baby clock starts ticking. So they get desperate and will look for any guy to impregnant her.

Then once she has HER kid and HER wedding, she will divorce the man, ban him from the child and swear ALL men are the same while she raises the kid alone with 2 cats and post everyday on Facebook how horrible men are.

That is 99% of females.

My advice is to break it off, make money and live your life single. Just be happy you didn’t knock her up or got married. You dodged two bullets my friend!

this is kind of a stomach decision, which means: this is popped up in my head immediately after finishing reading your post:

i would do a last stand :) what im trying to say is: ask her to marry you. if she says yes, it bascally shows that she is still into you and you can work on your relationship. maybe the wedding would serve as a restart.

if she says no, that‘s basically the end of it. i know it would kind of suck, but at least it brings 100% percent clarity to both of you.

so i‘d say just go for it. Ask her.

you may have dodged a bullet.

if she's just finishing up school then for sure i can understand the desire to not immediately settle down, why force it? she'll be unhappy, you'll be too busy to work to address her needs, she'll cheat on you some more and you guys will break up. unfortunately break ups after marriage are slightly trickier than before ( god help you if you have a kid involved as well )

marriage or kids do not fix relationships. it will not magically make things better. if nothing else, it will magnify difficulties you have because you don't have the easy out of just walking away anymore.