Alright, listen up n00bs. I have had enough of you foolish mortals deciding how this board should be run on your own. As a god-like being, I believe that it is my duty to guide you along the right path. Therefore, from now on, I am your lord and master, and I have to say that there will be a few changes around here:
1. All topics must be approved of by me. If I find a topic boring, stale, or just plain stupid, I will reject it.
Punishment for posting a topic without my approval: You will be given to a group of very, very lonely prison inmates of your same gender. For the remainder of your life, you will be legally considered their property. Therefore, they can legally do anything they wish to you.
2. There will be flaming. MUCH flaming. If someone is an idiot, you need to tell them so. That being said, there is a difference between justified flaming and unjustified flaming. If you are too stupid to know the difference, then you deserve to be punished.
Punishment for unjustified flaming: You will be sat on by a very, very fat woman. You will be suffocated and crushed at the same time, and (ideally) die very painfully.
Reward for justified flaming: That's right, flaming when called for deserves a reward. You will be able to reject one punishment of your choice. This will almost undoubtably mean the difference between life and death for you.
3. You will NOT post in a topic just to say, "sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about." or "I don't know the answer to that question." OR "This topic doesn't really interest me, sorry." If you are the type of person that will survive the first 48 hours after these rules are implemented, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about.
Punishment for breaking this rule: You will be injected with an experimental virus that causes the human body to tear itself inside out. The problem with the virus now is that, in male subjects, it causes their testicles to be slowly torn apart...eventually leading to them dying of pain. At this point, that side effect is effecting 100% of all subjects...even females, and you really, REALLY don't want to know how.
4. You will worship me daily
Punishment for breaking this rule: This is a special one. In my opinion, the worst offense. Once my gaurds tell me of it, I shall keep you in a cell for a duration of fifty seven hours, during which I shall drink water constantly and never use the restroom. After this amount of time, you will be brought to me. I will personally cut your eyes out, then drain my bladder into your now empty sockets. After I am finished, you will be escorted out by my guards.
They will do everything they can to keep you alive, and will in fact force you to live a very, very, very long life.
5. You will not oppose my judgement in anything.
Punishment: A quick and painless death. I find that a small, trivial punishment will encourage people to speak openly around me and criticize my plans fairly. It's for the good of us all. If I like your idea, and it opposes mine, then I will give you as merciful of a death as possible.
So, OTers, what say you? Will you rise with me? Will you bring down all who oppose me? If you do, than our first order of business is to destroy the mods. They have been corrupted by their power, and rule this place with an iron fist that it does not require. When I control all, the people who have fought alongside me will be given painless deaths no matter what happens. You now have a choice: Join me in my conquest, or die in a way so horrible and grotesque that even I am too humane to assign it as a normal punishment. For you are either with me, or against me, OTers. JOIN OR DIE!
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