This just in: Tiger Woods is taking a dump.
We have very reliable information from inside sources telling us that Tiger Woods, 33, is currently in his house right now, on the toilet, taking a dump. On the scene is reporter Paprazzi Pandermasses with the story:
Yeah, Aethan, I'm here right now just outside of Tiger Woods's bathroom, which, as you can see from the way the knob won't budge, is locked. Local authorities have assured us that golf prodigy Tiger Woods is inside with a copy of today's newspaper, taking a dump; however, rumors have risen speculating that Woods may in fact actually be taking a piss instead, and some have even suggested that Woods is taking a shower.
Tell us, Paprazzi, is there any indication from the bathroom as to what Mr. Woods is currently doing?
Well, Aethan, there appears to be a faint odor escaping from the bottom of the door, suggesting to me that Mr. Woods is, in fact, taking a dump, but I am hardly an expert on this matter.
Have you attempted to contact Mr. Woods on this matter?
We have, Aethan, and thus far he has not deigned to answer our knock at the door with anything more than an "occupied."
All right, thank you Paprazzi.
We'll keep our viewers updated as this story unfolds.
In other news today, there's a war in Afghanistan. More on that at eleven.
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