What do you think of MY ESSAYZORZS

Sorry about the retarded speak in the title, I thought it would get attention. If you're reading this, it worked.

Anyway I'm doing a supplemental application for uni right now, and one of the essay questions is: "During the past 4 years, which person, event or experience has had the greatest effect on your life?(200 words max.)"

Here is my half-baked answer (I really can't think of anything significant in the past 4 years):

"Swimming along in the blue I spotted a long shape of deeper blue moving towards us. I turned and stopped, wondering what it could be. As it came closer and got bigger I thought "Tuna? Dolphin?" As the huge shape materialised before me, I suddenly recognised it: "Shark!"
The very realisation caused a stream of bubbles to flow from my regulator in breathless trepidation. As it swam by, my primal chills slowly gave way to sheer awe. How could one not admire such a majestic and ancient creature, the apex of evolution, which had glided along in the ocean for millions of years before we even 'came down from the trees'?. This may seem a fanciful connection to make from that event, but that shark changed my life, or at least altered it. To me, that shark represents not only the beauty and might of nature, but the power in perseverance and single-minded purpose. As one may look upon a role-model for guidance and inspiration, I see the shark, inexorably swimming for millennia, despite all the dangers and challenges (including us!) it faces along the way. I see it swimming, always, long after we have come and left our mark."

(This is basically recounting my first encounter in the wild with shark underwater).What do you think? Have I answered the question? Have I answered it adequately?

If you space it out I'll read it until then.....lzorro

Needs more Fresh Prince.whos_next000

[QUOTE="lzorro"]If you space it out I'll read it until then.....nick3333

Cool, thanks all. And yeah, it did happen. If I were to make up an event or person, I'd have chosen something a little more dramatic, like a paralyzed cousin teaching me the value of life or something. 

[QUOTE="nick3333"][QUOTE="lzorro"]If you space it out I'll read it until then.....lzorro

i don't like how blue is said twice real close together, it just doesn't sound right. also, at the end of the first sentence you say "moving towards us". either say me or describe who us is or something along those lines. Also, the first sentence or two uses real simple words, but from then on you use complex vocabulary which makes it sound a little strange.. maybe tone down on the big words a bit, it seems as if you aren't using words that you know but just are using large words to make yourself sound better.towel_