When is it Appropriate to Start Dating Again?

So my wife and I have ended our overall relationship of 6 years. The last few weeks were depressing as we mostly fought or didn't talk, and I spent Saturday dealing with the initial sadness of our break-up. Despite the gloominess of the situation, my wife wants to stay friends and we are on good terms. Part of the reason things ended is because I haven't experienced much in my life, and I wasn't ready for something as big as marriage....

My problem is, I don't know how long this whole grieving process goes on for.

It hurts, because I have a bond with this person and built my life around them. I will always love her, even if I don't have her anymore. But at the same time, I don't know the appropriate way to deal with any of this since I've never been in other relationships before. I already feel a little more lonely now that I can't hold or kiss or make love to someone, and I'm not sure how long I can deal with that.

She told me that she's heard from other sources that the appropriate amount of time to wait is about half of the length of time for which you were in the relationship - or in my case, 3 years. My wife and I both disagree with those guidelines. But my wife told me she isn't even thinking about other people right now, and might not for a long time. I'm not sure what I feel - I do need time to process things, and I have a lot of problems which probably contributed to the failure of my relationship. At the same time, I am young yet and really don't see the point in wasting a lot of my time ignoring opportunities.

I'm not even sure what it is that I want next. Whether it's flings or a new relationship. But I have given some thought to asking certain women who I encounter in my day-to-day life out for a drink or dinner, and then just getting to know them and seeing if it goes anywhere from there.

Since I'm not very bold, and this relationship I just ended was a pretty heavy one, I guess I'd like to ease into things and not just rush right into a new relationship. But I'm not sure how to go about things. Is it wrong to even consider asking one of these ladies out on a date, even if it isn't necessarily going to lead to anything more yet? Or is it really just waaaay too early?

I'd just like to hear some thoughts. Surely some of you can share your own past experiences with determining when the right time is to start dating again.

~ Ovirew

So, if I'm understanding this correctly, she divorced you and says you should wait 3 years before seeing someone else? Idon't agree with that at all. Start dating again whever you feel like it.

@MrGeezer: No, it's something she heard somewhere, but she doesn't really agree with it. I guess it's some widely-accepted thing though, that you should wait half the length of time that your relationship lasted.

Never heard of that rule. Wait until you feel ready for it I say. That could be a couple of months or a year.

A friend of mine ended her relationship of some years and started dating a new person within 3 months.. Sure they weren't married and both quite young so that make things different I guess.

Well, I never heard that. I mean, it's one thing if my wife DIED. Then it might seem weird if I'm dating someone the next day. But even then there's no formula for that. Is someone whohas been married for 30 years REALLY supposed to spend the next 15 years alone just because his wife died? Anyway, it's different if I'm getting dumped. Sure I might not feel like dating for a while. But nuts to the idea that I'm SUPPOSED to sit there sad and alone because I got dumped.

@horgen: Now I actually wonder if 3 months is too much, or reasonable. I'm not sure. Maybe it isn't enough.

Considering I'm married and going to be divorced, I wonder how much that impacts things. I wasn't married for a very long period of time. But the relationship lasted for many years. But I'm still young, under 30.

Is it okay to do something like just invite a girl out for a drink after 3 months? Would it be okay to do it sooner than that?

I know the decision ultimately falls on what I decide to do, but I just wonder if it would be seen as inappropriate and an unwise decision to go on a date and talk to a pretty woman soon.

Whenever you like.

There is no limit, whenever your hearts ready.

Divorce papers have been signed? Yes?

You should start dating/having flings when you feel comfortable, that's it. When you feel comfortable. Could be in a day. A week. A month. A year. 3 years. Maybe more.

And lets be honest here, part of this is about "what will others say", isn't it? Like if you didn't cared what others thought you wouldn't be here in OT asking for advice but you do care (not that there is anything necessarily wrong with that) about what family/friends/acquaintances even the women you might date (what! you got divorced two week ago and are already dating!? Oh honey...) might say.

Well, what they think actually doesn't matter. Unless it matters to you in which case it actually matters (to you!).

So I can tell you it is appropriate to start dating right now. But you are clearly not comfortable, but maybe you think what I'm saying is rationally correct even if you don't feel that way, so maybe you try to work yourself to my position, but that takes time, and maybe by the time you arrive at my position you have already by the passage of time/healing/ from the relationship you get "there" naturally all by yourself.

So perhaps subconsciously what you essentially are asking us is to convince you to tear down that wall that is keeping you from dating/having flings right away (like in a few weeks) [so you get "there" expeditiously].

I actually don't know how to do that. And who s to say that that is what you should be doing anyways?

My problem is, I don't know how long this whole grieving process goes on for.

And you should know that's entirely fine. You haven't been in this position before so it is completely reasonable that you might not know how to deal with it.

But at the same time, I don't know the appropriate way to deal with any of this since I've never been in other relationships before.

Again, completely understandable.

I do need time to process things, and I have a lot of problems which probably contributed to the failure of my relationship.

Always important to self a assess why a relationship might had failed so you can avoid those mistakes (if they were mistakes) again. Always healthy to look for ways in which you can improve yourself.

I guess I'd like to ease into things and not just rush right into a new relationship.

Nothing wrong with that. Some of us just like to do things deliberately.

Is it wrong to even consider asking one of these ladies out on a date, even if it isn't necessarily going to lead to anything more yet?

The reality is that it is only wrong if you think it is wrong. If it makes you feel bad you shouldn't do it. And I would tell you that you shouldn't feel bad but we are all different. Again, this is about you, and how you feel. That's what is important.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Right now you are hurting and there is nothing inherently wrong about that. Let yourself feel it. Own it. Take the time you need. There is no right or wrong answer here.

At the end I will repeat: You should start dating/asking out ladies when you feel comfortable, that's it. When you feel comfortable. Could be in a day. A week. A month. A year. 3 years. Maybe more.

There is no "rule" here. Only rules are the one you construct for yourself.

I had already been over my wife for 2 years by the time we split up. I was dating the next week.

If your divorced with papers singed appropriate time is when ever you feel like it, also it might be better to not be friends with an Ex.

At least not for a while until your convinced your over her, just my opinion on it though others may think different.

When you aren't depressed, that's a good time to start dating.

@Ovirew: I can't tell you. =/

So why didn't you try to fix your relationship?

Start looking as soon as you walk outta that courtroom.

That's actually sad dude..........

Rebound relationships don't last as a rule......

@LJS9502_basic: Who says anything about lasting relationships?

Who says that isn't what he's looking for in life?

Guys who recently got dumped from a long term relationship aren't in a hurry to jump into another one...as a rule.

What caused your divorce? you might want to fix those 'problems' first before even contemplating the next one - assuming you don't want this heartache again. If I were you, I'd try to improve myself on those problems, severe my ties with my ex-wife and let time decide my fate.

You are free now, so if you happen to meet someone you click well with, don't hesitate. You never know when the right person is going to come into your life and you shouldn't miss an opportunity.

I met my wife at a time when I had gone through several bad relationships, I was working 70 hours a week in grad school, and I wasn't at all interested in a getting together with someone. I'm glad to didn't hesitate. We've been together for 12 years.

If it were me, I'd start banging random bar skanks as soon as possible. Use your "wounded animal" appeal to your advantage.

Personally, I suggest you take the next two-three years off from all of it and just focus on your self.

You just ended a marriage and some pretty heavy shit just happened to you. Its normal for you to be sad and depressed. And guess what its actually a bit healthy too. Because you now need to be by yourself and grow on your own for a while. Now you need to learn how to be by your self, love your self, depend on your self, get used to your self, and get used to depending on your self. Like you said, you dont know how long the grieving process may be and there is no telling. So just let it be, let it happen as it happens and the best thing you can do it give it time. Rushing and trying to do whatever it take to forget her (etc.) never really works and it just damages you

You would be doing harm to your self by going out dating just because you feel like you need some one. Again, you might be depressed for a while (normal) and just getting with some one else is not a solution. And neither is it fair to the other person that they have to deal with you because you arent 100% yet, and have baggage.

I said two-three years because maybe by then you would have already be settled into a new life, have worked on your self, and by then you have grown to like your self to the point where you dont really care or are looking for a relationship.

When you get to that point where you arent wanting a relationship because you are so confident and so well with your life, thats is when you can start looking for dating because by then that need for a replacement for your wife or need to just have some will be gone and you can date some from a real standpoint, with real intentions, and perspective. Your marrige in your heart and in your head has to be dead, that part of you life inside you has to be dead. When ever you can feel like your ex-wife and the marriage is completely dead to you, thats when you know you are good to go.

Do you get what Im saying?

Why would you assumed it was his fault that his marriage ended?

Just go with the flow like you would normally and have fun when you are ready. Anyone telling you there's a set amount of time before you can get back into dating is talking nonsense or still a virgin. Do what you want just stay safe.

She does not want you but wants to keep your dick in a box like she owns it.

Typical chick shit.

Go out and get laid it's the only thing that that's going to make you feel in control again.

You will never get back to feeling normal if someone other than you is running the show. Go out there and put a hurting on some pussy.

@Riverwolf007:

Smartest thing I heard all day. Move on and forget about her. Get laid, have fun, and find some love. Be with friends and hang out more.

Believe in love, but avoid bitches or some shit.

@drunk_pi: what's funny is that it is super immature advice right?

As in what could be worse sounding advice than to **** your way out of post divorce depression?

But every guy that has had a wife rip his heart out of his chest will tell you the same thing because that is the only way to start rebuilding you self esteem.

That's what children we all are. But I can tell you from personal experence that it works and the bigger the swath of women you are dicking your way through the better it works.

First off, married people don't "break up", they divorce. Are you or her filing for divorce?

Second, I don't think three years is necessary at all lol. There is no "rule" for seeing other people once a previous relationship ends; hell, some people don't even wait that long and end up cheating on people.

Third, and I know it is tough, but focus on getting through the divorce first; I mean it sounds like this just happened and you are already thinking about dating again?! Seems a bit premature on your part.

And for God's sake, get a good lawyer if it comes down to a court battle, laws are often biased in favor of women (at least in the US/California).

I'm sorry for what you have to go through; focus on getting through it and over it, though, then focus on dating otherwise any relationship you seek will be tainted by your divorce.

@bmanva: He mentioned he had 'problems'.

and I have a lot of problems which probably contributed to the failure of my relationship

@and1salttape: My bad for missing that in the OT. But still, the exact verbiage was "probably contributed", not directly caused, so I stand by my original point. Seems like OP isn't sure that he was the cause while your post suggested that he figure out what he did wrong in the relationship there by assuming guilt.

@bmanva: Sane people have a tendency to not project their failures upon themselves unless they're extremely wise or experienced - the former will be an assumption and the latter possibility has already been eliminated by the OP. I can only come to one conclusion: It was, in all likelihood, his fault. Pardon my scientific approach but I don't believe that both parties have to be in the wrong for the relationship to fall apart. One is enough. And since OP didn't badmouth his wife, instead claimed that he would always love her, it becomes somewhat apparent that it was his fault.

@and1salttape: lol I don't think you and I have shared the same understanding for the term "scientific". And no, it's not obvious at all that he was at fault since the divorce is relatively amicable for both parties.

@bmanva: That depends on whether you're a rationalist or an empiricist or some other -cist.

I was connecting dots. But only OP can affirm them. Let's wait and see what he has to say.

@and1salttape: If only relationship and women are rational, you'd have those two all figured out...

@magicalclick: Sorry to hear about your marriage. I feel for u. My marriage of 7 years ended about 5 years ago and I was miserable . I don't think there is a set time to when u should start dating again . When u meet someone you like , ask them out . I waited 18 months before going out on a date because I never met anyone worth asking out. We are still together after 2.5 years and I couldn't be happier. Trust me , it will get better. My ex started dating immediately lol. Good luck.

"When ready you are, only you will know."

Wow, thanks for the responses, everyone! It is kind of a difficult issue, it's something that maybe doesn't have one right answer. I really appreciate the feedback and input, and I will be taking this all in as I decide what to do next. I'm gonna try to respond where necessary now. Got a lot to catch up on.....

@Master_Live: Thank you for the very detailed response, live. Yes, I would have to say that a pretty big part of me is concerned what other people will say and think. I guess at the end of the day I just have to do what feels right at the time, but I don't want to be seen as irresponsible or immature because I couldn't make my marriage work and it fell apart rather quickly, and oh look now immature irresponsible guy is already dating someone else!

I'm not sure how I'll know when I feel "comfortable" with asking someone else out. I mean, right now my wife is being really supportive of whatever it is I choose to do here, and it makes me feel a little more confident about moving on. I feel like I could start talking to one of these women now, but then I'm not sure if I really am ready. And I'm not sure if I am ready for a relationship, or something less serious. Either way, I feel like there will be a little more thinking and reflecting here.

We haven't divorced yet. I'm not sure what all is involved in the process yet, but I know we are going to. We are pretty much completely separated now, we are essentially just best friends and roommates. I moved my stuff out of our room yesterday, and I'm sleeping on a couch and futon. I think my wife is over our relationship now, and maybe I'm getting there.

@thehig1: That is probably some good advice to keep in mind. I mean, my feelings are still kind of fluctuating throughout the day. I know we are going to be living together yet for a while, but like I say we aren't sharing bedrooms or anything like that now. My wife really wants what's best for me, and was drained by our relationship, so I think she is getting over things alright. I'm more concerned about myself, if I can get over her. But idk, especially tonight I really saw her as just a friend. That was kind of scary, but also good and comforting. And I was happy that we didn't fight.

@LJS9502_basic: For a good, solid month our relationship descended into this situation where she wanted to be alone and just stopped talking to me. I would keep trying to talk and communicate with her, and usually once a week we would have a long conversation where it seemed like things were improving. But they never did, they kept reverting back. And I realize now that's because my wife had already accepted that our relationship had run its course. She spent a lot of time thinking and putting stuff together that I had said and displayed over the years, and came to realize that a part of me will always be unhappy in our relationship, and bring her down.

I didn't want to break up, and I wouldn't have. I would have thrown away any of my dreams for this relationship, and that's not good. She had to step in and tell me that it's okay to go look for what it is that I really want.

@bmanva:@LJS9502_basic: I'm not sure if I want to have a little fun, or start another serious relationship. The thing is, I've never been with other women, and part of my thing is that I need to see what is out there, in every sense of that phrase. If I get into another relationship, I might not be able to experience a lot of those things, though I would still get to experience the love and intimacy of a new woman which is still great. If I look for no-strings-attached fun, then I might miss out on an opportunity for a relationship that could change my life and make me feel more stable and happy.

@and1salttape: I'm still not sure how to solve a lot of my problems. Maybe trial and error is important, though I'm not sure. I know some of the mistakes I had before, so maybe I could avoid them this time around. I'm sure there will probably be new little issues that I'm not even expecting right now with a new relationship. There are a lot of things I might want, but I have to narrow it down to what it is that I want and need most. I don't know if I have an answer. But, maybe part of the fun and humanity of relationships is that you can't plan every last thing out - at some point, you've just got to take a chance on someone and delve into the unexpected.

@jimkabrhel: That's kinda a sweet story. See? That's what I mean. Like I know I need to give myself the appropriate time, but I don't want to just shut myself off to what could be an unexpectedly wonderful new adventure. Likewise, maybe I should enjoy the refreshing benefits of the bachelor life? I'm really not sure. I think maybe I am a little bit clingy and lonely, so maybe I really could use some sort of intimacy or companionship right now.

@bforrester420: Hmm, bar skanks... I actually haven't given much thought to the possibility of that yet, lol. I'm not sure if I would be comfortable with it, especially if the girl is completely drunk. Certainly not if I'm so drunk that I could be banging something i don't want to bang. But I guess that's a place where the broken hearts can go to find some consoling. Drinking and being merry, it could be nice. I'll keep it in mind.

@RTUUMM: That's some really good advice, too. Yeah, it's true that part of me is a little needy here. I'm not whole, I do have baggage.

I'm not sure I would want to be alone for that long anymore. I mean, I am still kind of young, but I'm not that young anymore. I'm in my prime, you know? I am at the point where I want to spend these years with someone, I want to enjoy being with a female half. I feel like, I have to put myself out there, I want to. I think I am strong enough that I can deal with some rejection, or some hurt. I'm sorry if it keeps sounding like I've made up my mind and that's the only way, that's not the case. Maybe some solitude would do me some good, it would be great if I could improve myself and deal with some of my problems so that they aren't still there when my next relationship begins. I just wonder if it isn't something you could also kind of figure out as you go?

@and1salttape: @bmanva: Our decision to end the relationship really was aimicable. I didn't want it to end at first, I tried to fix things but couldn't repair all of the damage done. It's funny, the one night I came to the conclusion that all of this stuff was the issue, and that we needed to end things, but I had trouble putting it into words and actually saying it when I sat down to talk to my wife that night. And then she basically said everything I wanted to say. And that's when I knew we agreed that this was best for the relationship. If we stayed, I would just resent her in the back of my mind, she would become more unhappy, and I would damage our friendship.

That said, I do have issues that were the root cause of a lot of our problems that led to our separation. A big problem is that I simply haven't experienced enough in life. While I probably deserve most of the blame, my wife would argue that she is just as much at fault for not being the responsible one and realizing I was unhappy and letting things drag on without taking action. I seriously don't blame her though, I'd say I was more at fault for not being able to appreciate our marriage and be content with settling down so soon.

@Riverwolf007: I appreciate your input, but really you've got the situation all wrong. My wife isn't "putting my dick in a box" and controlling me. She has let go of me - I'm free to do what I want now, she is free to do what she wants. We are no longer a couple, we are separated. And we will be divorcing eventually. My wife is doing pretty much the opposite of what you said, I am only reliant on her because she is still letting me continue to live with her for the time being, and hasn't told me to get out.

@mrbojangles25: We haven't divorced yet, but are going to. I don't think it is going to happen necessarily this week or this month, mostly because we tend to procrastinate. But idk, maybe it is best to get this divorce going as soon as possible? Like I said up above, we just aren't sure what all divorce entails yet.

I'm not really concerned about court or anything. I mean, I have my stuff, she has her stuff. Actually something I should mention is that for months now we've stopped doing our laundry together, we've stopped doing a lot of things as a couple. We never even got a joint bank account, which is something we had talked about a while ago but never did for convenience reasons - so our money is still our own. I guess I didn't realize how important doing things together as a couple was, looking back. It's so easy to take for granted things like that, which probably would have gone a long way in showing my wife that I viewed us as a pair and not two self-sufficient partners.

@magicalclick: In my mind, kissing and holding hands have always both been intimate things. But I would agree that holding hands is something that seems to be missing from a lot of relationships, which could help them out. I will have to practice it in this relationship. I think if people weren't kissing enough, that could be negative for the relationship, too.

You know, one problem I always had was, when I walked with my wife, I would end up walking ahead of her, rather than right beside her. It always irritated her. I would hold her hand, but as I walked faster I would like pull her arm forward, so it turned into weird and unnatural hand-holding. I think holding hands is something I definitely need to practice in my next relationship. That and the walking side-by-side.

Thanks again for such well-thought-out answers, everyone! I guess maybe there is no one right answer here, but there's definitely a lot of handy suggestions to consider. And, there's a ton to learn from, that's for sure.

I say get right back on that horse.

It's a bit shifty to say, but the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else.

Depending on the relationship you had with your wife and what caused the divorce, you may need an extended period of time to process things and mature through the experience, or you may find the dating scene to be the natural progression of things. From your description of the situation, I'm inclined to believe in the former. You yourself said that you had a hand in the collapse of the relationship and that you weren't ready for such a commitment. That you still love your wife attests to that likelihood as well.

Whatever you decide to do, take things slow and commit yourself to introspection and scrutiny of what came to pass. My advice to you is to move on and forget about your wife; this whole friends thing doesn't work.

@Ovirew: Experience problems - happen to almost every first-timer. Everybody takes his/her first relationship for granted. The key really is to draw up a draft of 'what I should do'; that is, list down all your problems that you think contributed to the breakup. Then from that list, infer another list of ''what I can do'' - then just do it.

As for when you'd want to start dating again, well, the best advice, always, is to take your time. You're in a 'broken' state right now. It'll take you some time to get over your wife and as soon as you're over her, you'll get those lonely periods that really feel like hell. Don't give in to those periods. You'll soon start to see almost every other woman as a prospect wife and if you get into a relationship in that state, you'll end up in another one of these situations. These breakups are the best times to discover what you want to do with your life. Discover your ambitions, and work towards them until you feel, for sure, that you have gone back to exactly who you used to be before your relationship with your wife started. A good indicator would be how you view women. If you start viewing them as 'alien creatures' again (as the singletons see them), it's an indicator that you've gone back to your single life. Then is the time to start thinking of another relationship. Remember your lessons in the meanwhile and improve yourself on your problems.

Don't jump into the dating scenario right off the bat as most are telling you to. Unless your aim in life centers around hedonism or YOLO. If you want a good, healthy, lasting relationship, then your best shot is to give it some time.

@GazaAli: Why doesn't the friends thing work? I'm not so sure about that, I think two people can end a relationship and still be friends. Of course I don't really have any firsthand experience with that, but that is what I think right now.

What's sad about it? If I had ended it when I wanted to, I would have been paying her half my paycheck for 2 years.

Once everything legal is tied up.

Look, start sleeping with anyone YESTERDAY but keep it quiet until nothing can impact you negatively in court.

Also get a private investigator and tail her to see if you can gain once last advantage if court proceedings are still going on.

@Jaysonguy: holy crap dude, lol.

If you want to date then date. If the relationship is over then you're under no obligation to do anything other than what you want. If your ex wants to wait 3 years then that's her decision and none of your concern anymore. It's hard after a long term relationship to start thinking just about yourself and not considering someone else in your decisions but that's what you need to do to move on.

On a side note the staying friends with your ex is all well and good on paper but it usually doesn't work until after some time has passed and you've both moved on with your lives. Don't try to stay friends until you've moved on and are happy.