Writing a story, Let me know if the intro is appealing, Thanks!!!!!

The story goes back to the time when the land was undivided; the only island surrounded by sea was called Uribangh. Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them. Uribangh had four different rulers, five kings and a queen called Enati. Land ruled by the kings was known as Weiland and Enati ruled Euster.

Enati was the most powerful on earth yet most apathetic. Some of the folklores have reference of her existence from the time of age of sound. Elders said that Enati being female is more symbolic. Many songs described her as fair as white gem, while many believed in her being darker than the darkness. We know very little about her as she surfaces seldom. A carving on EusterPass said little bit about her. In our words the carving can be translated as

Earth drowned in the powerful sea

Close your eyes and try to see

Call for rush, stop the jinx

A place on earth where it could be

Halt your feet, halt your wings

Place like this has no weak

Think about what you seek

Path to pleasure lies beneath

She concoct the place and She can keep

Stronger you grow weaker you'll be

Many believed this carving tells you how, when and why to enter Euster. This was the place for those powerful souls seeking for eternal happiness. Although it was full of illusions, its purpose was to wake up from illusion.

The Kings were always distasteful about Euster. They were feared by its supremacy. This fear and jealousy were carried in the lineage for centuries but no one ever thought about being incongruent with Enati. Though Euster could never have threats from Weiland, it had utmost threat from within. Society having humans with excessive, not absolute power will be always on the edge. Euster was no exception to it. This instability always worried Kings. They knew that if Euster fails they couldn't withstand the rebels from Euster for a long time. Kings' only hope was their strength 'Blood of Might'. But it was not fully unleashed by anyone in the ancestry. None of the Kings worshiped Enati. They worshipped a floating throne called Niwyll. History tells about great war between the Kings for acquisition of Niwyll. At the end of war of the Kings, Niwyll was brought to Central Weiland and kept in a temple. The Temple of Niwyll had three entrances for three kings. All of the Kings worshiped Niwyll by different rituals. These rituals were kept secret from the other lineages and every King considered him at higher authority than other. Kings disbelieving each other were creating elite army to be ready for next war of Kings.

Before Kings had chance to call off the war of Kings, they faced an enemy from Euster. They tried to unite and face the enemy but their efforts were empty. Three thrones were overthrown and Weiland came under one ruler. Now Uribangh had only two rulers Vehamirth and Enati.

Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them.

kau83

You lost me this early.

^ Never Mind what them haters say, ignore em til they Fade away

^ Never Mind what them haters say, ignore em til they Fade away

tmac200913

I didn't think it was bad. I just think that too much is being explained in the beginning. Some of that should be told throughout the story. You don't go and watch a movie just for everything to be explained in the beginning. You want to learn as you watch. Same goes with writing.

hmm....kau83

Just include the sentence "the sun is blistering in the summer meadow." anywhere in the story and your set for life.

To be honest, it sounds more like a report than a story. That's something you will want to change. Also, how long do you want this story to be?ayanami_rei

Currently i m targeting somewhere around 300 novel pages. still on page 30 :D

although intro might sound like story is about Enati and Vehamirth, chapters unveil very different aspects...

As you said, lot of editing needs to be done.... I'll keep on working, Thanks!!!!

[QUOTE="tmac200913"]

^ Never Mind what them haters say, ignore em til they Fade away

SaugaGames

I didn't think it was bad. I just think that too much is being explained in the beginning. Some of that should be told throughout the story. You don't go and watch a movie just for everything to be explained in the beginning. You want to learn as you watch. Same goes with writing.

Exactly my thoughts. This is less an overview, and more a detailed report about all of its history.

It sounds fairly interesting. But its an overload of info for the reader that will leave them dazed and confused. Keep working on it though.

[QUOTE="ayanami_rei"]To be honest, it sounds more like a report than a story. That's something you will want to change. Also, how long do you want this story to be?kau83

Currently i m targeting somewhere around 300 novel pages. still on page 30 :D

although intro might sound like story is about Enati and Vehamirth, chapters unveil very different aspects...

As you said, lot of editing needs to be done.... I'll keep on working, Thanks!!!!

You might want to reword the whole "intro" then. It sounds a bit too much like a report. If anything, it could fit as a prologue, but then again, might not. You're going to need to reword it a bit. Is the main character or narrator reading that? If it is in first person, then I guess that is fine. If not, and the main character or whoever is reading it, it'll need to be in quotation marks.

I can't say that it's appealing, sorry. There's just not enough depth to keep interest.....well, mine anyways. Different elements with little to no depth are introduced very quickly and with little to no background and then combined with other elements that only lead to more confusion. The Kings and Euster? The Seven Planets? Enati? You jump from one thing to another, trying to make a connection between them without first having established what they are in the first place at depth.

I'd say most of your problems do not lie with your writing ability, but more-so with your hasty approach to get everything set without a proper setting and backing. Now if this was on page twenty, I'd be singing a different tune, but as an introduction it makes my head spin faster than inhaling from an whipped cream can.

That's why it's unappealing.

EDIT: I mean this as constructive criticism. :)

I can't say that it's appealing, sorry. There's just not enough depth to keep interest.....well, mine anyways. Different elements with little to no depth are introduced very quickly and with little to no background and then combined with other elements that only lead to more confusion. The Kings and Euster? The Seven Planets? Enati? You jump from one thing to another, trying to make a connection between them without first having established what they are in the first place at depth.

I'd say most of your problems do not lie with your writing ability, but more-so with your hasty approach to get everything set without a proper setting and backing. Now if this was on page twenty, I'd be singing a different tune, but as an introduction it makes my head spin faster than inhaling from an whipped cream can.

That's why it's unappealing.

Rekunta

different perspective, i was afraid of being too slow... i'll definitely note ur point, Thanks!!! :)

The story goes back to the time when the land was undivided; the only island surrounded by sea was called Uribangh. Humans were well aware of [coor=red]the[/color]existence of the seven worlds [color=red]but[/color] few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them. Uribangh had four different rulers, five kings and a queen called Enati. Land ruled by the kings was known as Weiland and Enati ruled Euster.

Enati was the most powerful on earth yet [color=red]the[/color] most apathetic. Some of the folklores have reference of her existence from the age of sound. Elders said that Enati being female is more symbolic. Many songs described her as fair as [color=red]a[/color] white gem, while many believed [color=red]her to be[/color] darker than the darkness. We know very little about her as she surfaces seldom. A carving on EusterPass said little bit about her. In our words the carving can be translated as

Earth drowned in the powerful sea

Close your eyes and try to see

Call for rush, stop the jinx

A place on earth where it could be

Halt your feet, halt your wings

[color=orange]Place like this has no weak[/color]

Think about what you seek

Path to pleasure lies beneath

[color=orange]She concoct the place and She can keep[/color]

Stronger you grow weaker you'll be

Many believed this carving tells you how, when and why to enter Euster. This was the place for those powerful souls seeking eternal happiness. [color=orange]Although it was full of illusions, its purpose was to wake up from illusion.[/color]

The Kings were always distasteful about Euster. They feared its supremacy. This fear and jealousy [color=red]was[/color] carried in the lineage for centuries but no one ever thought about being incongruent with Enati. Though Euster could never have threats from Weiland, it had utmost threat from within. Society having humans with excessive, [color=red]non-absolute[/color] power will be always on the edge. Euster was no exception. This instability always worried [color=red]the[/color] Kings. They knew that if Euster [color=red]failed[/color] they couldn't withstand the rebels from Euster for a long time. [color=red]The kings'[/color] only hope was their strength 'Blood of Might'. But it was not fully unleashed by anyone in the ancestry. None of the Kings worshiped Enati. They worshipped a floating throne called Niwyll. History tells about great war between the Kings for acquisition of Niwyll. At the end of [color=red] the War of the Kings[/color], Niwyll was brought to Central Weiland and kept in a temple. The Temple of Niwyll had three entrances for three kings. All of the Kings worshiped Niwyll by different rituals. [color=orange]These rituals were kept secret from the other lineages and every King considered him at higher authority than other[/color]. [color=orange]Kings disbelieving each other were creating elite army to be ready for next war of Kings.[/color]

Before [color=red]the[/color] Kings had [color=red]a[/color] chance to call off the war of Kings, they faced an enemy from Euster. They tried to unite and face the enemy but their efforts were empty. Three thrones were overthrown and Weiland came under one ruler. Now Uribangh had only two rulers Vehamirth and Enati.

kau83

Red = suggested correction

orange = needs rewording because of poor grammar

Your story is very difficult to follow, not just because many of your sentances are grammatically lacking but because the story itself is just bizarre. It goes all over the place, switching from past to present tense and not focussing on one set scenario for the reader to try and imagine. Furthermore you are telling everything and showing nothing. Don't tell us that Enati is symbolic, show us through dialogue and imagery and figurative language.

This needs a lot of work before it can be enjoyable to read.

[QUOTE="Rekunta"]

I can't say that it's appealing, sorry. There's just not enough depth to keep interest.....well, mine anyways. Different elements with little to no depth are introduced very quickly and with little to no background and then combined with other elements that only lead to more confusion. The Kings and Euster? The Seven Planets? Enati? You jump from one thing to another, trying to make a connection between them without first having established what they are in the first place at depth.

I'd say most of your problems do not lie with your writing ability, but more-so with your hasty approach to get everything set without a proper setting and backing. Now if this was on page twenty, I'd be singing a different tune, but as an introduction it makes my head spin faster than inhaling from an whipped cream can.

That's why it's unappealing.

kau83

different perspective, i was afraid of being too slow... i'll definitely note ur point, Thanks!!! :)

Sure thing. :) Start slow....if you plan this to reach 300 pages you should have no worries. All books start out slow, they have to because of their nature.

I feel its explaining things way to fast and my brain is just trying to put everything in percpective but at the same time I have to reread again to try and put the puzzle together. Some of the wording is a bit off and confusing. Also, some revision is necessary I would change this sentance "Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them" Into - Humans were well aware of the existence of the seven worlds, however only a few were able to transmogrify* into them all. Try to avoid using to many of the same words in a paragraph as it becomes quite annoying.

Also "Uribangh had four different rulers, five kings and a queen called Enati. Land ruled by the kings was known as Weiland and Enati ruled Euster." Ok so this confused me until I reread it three times. The way you made it sound was as if there were 10 rulers on Uribanqh, but then you go to say the land ruled by kings was known as weiland and such. I would suggest you change it so its more specific to who rules what because the first sentance is abit misleading.

I also noticed that even though you sound like you trying to explain alot you miss some things and don't explain them quite enough. Another thing is when you say how, when and why to enter Euster. You should leave out the when part, because how should cover when you would enter Euster. IMO it sounds much better just saying why and how to enter euster since most people would ask why should they go first and then ask how. Sometimes think about how most people communicate since they will be able to relate more.

Then of course there is the very first sentance "The story goes back to the time when the land was undivided". It sounds as if there was more to be said before that sentance took place. Unless your trying to make the reader fill in some blanks like them being told a story by some person in the book then go with it otherwise I suggest you add something to the very beggining. I would also suggest you figure who you want to market this book to because some of your words sound abit highschoolish, but then you come out of no where with that transmogrify word. I apoligize if I was suppose to learn that in HS, but this is the first I've ever heard that word.

Now I'm no expert and I'm not good at English courses so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but think of it as a view point from an average reader.

*Transmogrify - WTF does that mean?

^ Never Mind what them haters say, ignore em til they Fade away

tmac200913

Ye hath talent, sir.

I feel its explaining things way to fast and my brain is just trying to put everything in percpective but at the same time I have to reread again to try and put the puzzle together. Some of the wording is a bit off and confusing. Also, some revision is necessary I would change this sentance "Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them" Into - Humans were well aware of the existence of the seven worlds, however only a few were able to transmogrify* into them all. Try to avoid using to many of the same words in a paragraph as it becomes quite annoying.

Also "Uribangh had four different rulers, five kings and a queen called Enati. Land ruled by the kings was known as Weiland and Enati ruled Euster." Ok so this confused me until I reread it three times. The way you made it sound was as if there were 10 rulers on Uribanqh, but then you go to say the land ruled by kings was known as weiland and such. I would suggest you change it so its more specific to who rules what because the first sentance is abit misleading.

I also noticed that even though you sound like you trying to explain alot you miss some things and don't explain them quite enough. Another thing is when you say how, when and why to enter Euster. You should leave out the when part, because how should cover when you would enter Euster. IMO it sounds much better just saying why and how to enter euster since most people would ask why should they go first and then ask how. Sometimes think about how most people communicate since they will be able to relate more.

Then of course there is the very first sentance "The story goes back to the time when the land was undivided". It sounds as if there was more to be said before that sentance took place. Unless your trying to make the reader fill in some blanks like them being told a story by some person in the book then go with it otherwise I suggest you add something to the very beggining. I would also suggest you figure who you want to market this book to because some of your words sound abit highschoolish, but then you come out of no where with that transmogrify word. I apoligize if I was suppose to learn that in HS, but this is the first I've ever heard that word.

Now I'm no expert and I'm not good at English courses so take everything I say with a grain of salt, but think of it as a view point from an average reader.

*Transmogrify - WTF does that mean?

blackldragon

All of the points above are noted. I think I should start reading a lot of novels first and get into writing...

Thanks for the effort :D

[QUOTE="kau83"]

Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them.

SaugaGames

You lost me this early.

Makes Star Trek dialogue seem down to earth.

[QUOTE="kau83"]

Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them.

SaugaGames

You lost me this early.

I know right?

^ Never Mind what them haters say, ignore em til they Fade away

tmac200913

He asked for honest opinions. People gave them.

[QUOTE="kau83"]

Humans were well aware of existence of the seven worlds and few of them were able to transmogrify into all of them.

SaugaGames

You lost me this early.

Same here. Sometimes when I'm looking at books in the store or library, I'll read the first little bit just to see what the writing style is like. If I saw that, I'd probably immediately put it back on the shelf. That probably sounds like I'm being a jerk, but I'm just saying that is what I would do.

While I don't think I would ever be good at writing a work of fiction myself, one thing I can tell you is that modern fiction generally is very character driven. People generally don't want to be bogged down with details about the setting. You have to introduce them in little tiny chunks throughout the story, perhaps even by means of describing what some character is thinking about.

While there are certainly some good books that break this rule, here I think is the fundamental problem with this introduction: You haven't even provided a character to be interested in yet. It's all background. That sort of exposition might be better saved for a slightly later part of the book rather than the very beggining.

I also think you should take the poem and just put that by itself before the actual story starts, and then have it show up later in the book. That seems to be a rather common technique.SpaceMoose

hmm, like lord of the rings... good suggestion, thanks :)

As other people have said... it feels like a report. An Info Dump if you will. The story needs to unravel slowly. Don't spell out every detail. Make some of them subtle, make the readers work them out from context. Also, you need to use more literary devices, such as similes and metaphors and maybe some alliteration to help develop imagery.

That said, the concept is great. I love fantasy and it sounds interesting and would be great if you made the writing more eloquent.

Sounds like it could be good. There are some parts that need to be fixed up but other people have mentioned them. I also think you might be giving away a bit too much in the intro and it should be explained throughout the story. Anyway, good work.Fishbrain8

Thank you all for your contributions, I'll do some homework and repost the intro along with first chapter in few days... Lets c how it rolls...

It reminds me of one of the first fantasy things I wrote, but I agree with some posts, it sounds like a document not a story. If you really wanted to open it up like that, i suggest it being small giving out basic details about the world and etc, then as the story goes on add more to it untill you've given the full story.

But to be brutally honest, i struggled to read past the first paragraph.