Guys, guys! I've figured it out!
Alright, so it all starts in the sterile offices of Microsoft's top executives. Extensive research into the development of high-tech subliminal message delivery systems yields one of the most advanced aural behavior-modification tools ever created. This project is code-named "Zune" and is rushed to development upon completion of a working prototype. The only problem left unsolved was that of the format of the actual message. The easiest solution was simply to embed the message in some track and preload that track on the Zune unit. Their first thought was to place it in the music video for the Swollen Members' single "Grind". However, the Members, being irritated by their recent negative review on Pitchfork's website where they were portrayed as being plainly less competent than Dadaist rapper Aesop Rock, turned MS's offer down immediately. When Jay Allard heard that the plan had fallen through, he consulted Brazilian indie troupe CSS and ultimately struck a deal allowing for the embedding of the message in their hit single "Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above". Knowing that the name-dropping (that of dance-punk darlings Death From Above 1979) present in the song would drive hipsters to listen to it over and over despite CSS's inferiority when compared to DFA, they were able to ensure that the message would be thoroughly implanted into the minds of each listener.
At this point, you must be curious to know exactly what the message was. Well, I'll tell you. I might go to jail for this - this thing goes all the way to the top! - but I'll tell you because somebody has to. The message was simple; that your opinions on games do not matter. The entire program was to cause gamers to lose the ability to judge a game on its own merits and become totally dependent on reviewers to form their opinions for them. I think we call all see why MS would want to do this: you can't pay off the people to buy your products because that would defeat the purpose of selling them. However, every man has his price, and there are only so many men who write reviews professionally. Thus did Jeff Gerstmann become the target of MS's black ops Bribery Division. He was kidnapped and given two choices: be lowered into a pit of deadly robot snakes, or start reviewing the way MS told him to review. Jeff, torn between his journalistic duty and his desire to not be lowered into a pit of deadly robot snakes, ultimately surrendered under pressure and in conjunction with Greg Kasavin (who had already sold his soul) committed the most heinous sin: GameSpot rated Resistance lower than Gears of War.
Soon MS had contacted every member of the GameSpot review team and converted them. There was little resistance once they understood the sheer scope of the project. Kasavin, the only one to rise against MS, was quickly removed from the site and has since been used for MS's twisted package shrink-wrap experiments. His blog updates on GameSpot are faked.
Jay Allard's plan was all coming together. His contact with his dark masters the Illuminati, Steve Ballmer, grew impatient as the launch of Halo 3 neared. His elite marketing team Section 8.8 was simply not doing enough to downplay the achievements of developers on other consoles. At the same time, Peter Moore (who was MS's only real method of direct interaction with the public) was getting ready to jump ship - his dark past was beginning to catch up to him. Ballmer decided that the only sure way was to enact the final plan. His Illuminati superiors, with the help of the Freemasons, had prepared a scheme to defeat the Sony menace once and for all.
Section 8.8 had seen how powerful their work was - they were, after all, named for one of their finest accomplishments, the Twilight Princess review. They just needed to apply this power in exactly the right place. Kazuo Hirai was not going to give up easily; he had once killed a man with a plastic straw for distributing salt unevenly over his French fries. He was not a man to be trifled with. But the 8.8s were unafraid. They know exactly what they had to do. They bivouacked on a hill some five hundred meters from edge of Sony Computer Entertainment America's headquarters, on a slope overlooking the meeting room known to industry insiders as "the Pit". It was there, using highly advanced audio monitoring equipment, they learned of Sony's ultimate weapon. Insomniac was to release a new Ratchet and Clank title. The news hit the 8.8s with the force of an impact hammer. MS would have to act immediately, but just as the elites of Section 8.8 were about to pack up their bivouac and head for the camo-painted Jeep nearby, the radio crackled to life and they heard the alert: SCEA's helicopter had just left the helipad on the roof of that twisted steel-and-glass structure with a full loadout and it was heading directly for the 8.8s.
They scrambled to conceal themselves before the helicopter arrived. They knew that their position had been compromised; the only thing to do was head for the treeline and hope that Kaz's men had not yet outfitted the chopper with infrared cameras. They dove for cover and donned their ghillie suits, just as the chopper came up over the trees and opened fire on them, Caramell's "Caramelldansen (Speedycake Remix)" blasting, in an attempt to confuse and disorient its targets.
Section 8.8 lost three men that day, but the remaining members managed to get far enough into the forest to escape Sony and deliver the news of R&C (along with a sacrifice of fresh infant blood) to the Illuminati. The following morning, Aaron Thomas received an unmarked manila envelope. Inside was a piece of paper bearing the seal of Microsoft Game Studios. The message was brief, but it sat like a brick in his stomach:
"R&C drops 10/23. You know what to do. Nobody looks twice at a game that is only 'very good.'
All Hail Our Malevolent Overlords. Victory To Ballmer, May He Sup On The Blood Of Our Enemies."
This is the true story of how Ratchet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction was rated 7.5 on GameSpot, and the explanation for all of the extremely low ratings that PlayStation 3 games have received so far. We must rise up as one against the editors of GameSpot to prevent the unholy influence of Microsoft from spreading. Childish name-calling, pointless flamewars and unfounded prejudice are the only way we can win this war. So I ask you, GameSpot members: Are you fully prepared for this challenge?
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