HEADLINES FROM SW'S FUTURE
a thread by jethrovegas
Screw the present.
It's time to follow me over the dull brick walls of time, into that place where wonder is just as far away as your mailbox. That's right, ladies and gentlemen... it's time to follow me into the future!
So pack your bags, switch your left sock to your right foot and vice versa, and, above all else...
HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS
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Gran Turismo 5 delayed indefinitely
In a shocking move, Polyphonal Digital has announced that GT5 is now to be delayed indefinitely.
The official press release states that the game is far beyond what current technology can possibly handle, and as such, will be delayed until extraterrestrial contact provides us with the equipment necessary to finish a product as advanced Gran Turismo 5. The studio predicts that this could happen as early as 2056, though they refused to give an exact date, and said that "maybe later" was a distinct possibility.
In other news, Forza 7 comes out next week.
Wii Bathe announced; includes loofah
In an attempt to clean up all those filthy nerds out there, Nintendo is currently developing a title called Wii Bathe.
This product will include the game disc, a bathing peripheral that sits between your legs whilst in the tub and measures how clean you are, and a free loofah, for all those hard to scrub places. It will also feature Jenny McCarthy telling you how fat and dirty you are, and how you'll never get a date unless you perfect your shampooing technique.
When asked if this product would be degrading or dehumanizing to its players, Nintendo replied "only if you actually like video games."
Peter Molyneux admits years of lying
"Yes, I am an unabashed liar, and I've been deceiving gamers about the nature of my projects for years and years now."
These were the words of Sir Peter Molyneux at the GDC today, as he spoke to a gathering of gaming journalists and incredible tools, in a private room stocked with Ritz crackers and fluffy cushions.
The old man teared up a bit as he spoke of his long struggle with narcissism and pathological deception, and apologised quite sincerely, whilst promising to always tell the truth in the future.
He then announced his new game, nicknamed "Honey-Dream", a title that allows players to shape real-world events in foreign countries and woo any woman they have ever met.
Ubisoft speaks out on the streamlining of stealth
(excerpt from an interview with Ubiosft French Guy, GameFace issue 173)
GameFace: Thank you for joining us.
Ubisoft French Guy: Absolutely.
GF: Why don't you tell us a little bit about the ambition behind your new stealth game?
UFG: Yes, we wanted to create a game wherein the player may hide in plain sight. Literally.
GF: Why would you want to do that?
UFG: Well, the way I see it, typical stealth gameplay is outdated and silly. Why make the player feel tense and uncomfortable when you can just give them this huge combat shotgun and a cloaking field, and let them shoot the guys, you know, BANG, BANG!
GF: Uh, well, isn't that the opposite of stealth?
UFG: Not at all. That's just innovation.
EA developing new anti-piracy measures
EA today announced their intent to create an entirely new sort of anti-piracy measure, in all of their games, PC and console alike.
Apparently, the technology works by locking out all the content on your purchased game disc until you send a DNA sample to EA through the mail (using an included testing kit, which only comes with new copies) to prove that you are human, and that you have most certainly bought the game.
After confirmation, EA will send you a claim code for the first 25% of your content, and a key to an unknown storage locker somewhere in the state of New Jersey, wherein the other 75% of your content awaits you.
"Piracy is too great of an evil to take any chances" said EA's spokesperson.
Secret game from Chris Tucker?
I heard a rumour from a source that I cannot disclose that Chris Tucker may be involved in the creation of some sort of China themed video game. Please note that this is pretty much uncomfirmed, and is third hand information, but it certainly seems interesting and somewhat plausible given his involvement with Chinese people in the movie Rush Hour. My source seemed to think that Tucker would be in some sort of a directorial position rather than a voice acting one. Time will tell, but for now just call BS on this, and if it goes down, remember that I called it.
Dogs forced to choose between Gravy Train and Dogz Play; chose Gravy Train
In an attempt to branch out to wider audiences, Nintendo hosted an experiment wherein they offered a large group of dogs the choice between playing with wuth their Dogz Play Wii peripherals or eating from several large bowls of hot, delicious Gravy Train.
To no surprise, all the dogs went for the Gravy Train, whereafter Nintendo's spokeperson described them as being "geeks" and "otaku".
GameSpot attempts to remove System Wars forum; is unable to
GameSpot technical staff worked hard throughout the night in a desperate bid to try and remove the black pit of madness that is System Wars before it absorbs the internet itself, but were entirely incapable of doing so.
Internet expert Jubileus Johnson stated that "System Wars has attached itself directly to the tubes of the internet, blah, blah, blah, something something dark matter" and went onto to call the forum a "malignant digital cancer."
Natal is a smashing success... literally
The tree that is Natal has finally borne fruit, becoming highly successful all around the world, and earning billions of dollars for a bunch of people you don't really give a **** about. However, it has also been responsible for a great deal of destruction, as players destroy their televisions in attempts to embrace the onscreen characters with whom Natal has brought them an intimate connection.
Unfortunately, all of the Natal users we asked to comment on this matter were completely incoherent, which begs the eternal question:
Chicken or the egg?
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Hai guyz, is this System Wars?
ARGGHH!!!
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the end
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