In defence of Capcom and Resident Evil (because they need it)
So, the new trailer is out and there's threads on it and everything, and all of you have seen it, and most everyone is b*tching, and have been since 5, so now I'd like to take the time to make a general defence of Capcom and of the Resident Evil series from 4 onward (yes, that includes 5, for the troglodytes, whose numbers are reaching critical mass here), and to explain some things, namely:
why Capcom doesn't suck.
and
why Resident Evil 5 was good.
...which means, of course, I have my work cut out for me. Onward.
To start with, what the f*ck has Capcom done to the lot of you? F*cked your mothers? Sisters? Hairdressers ? You'd think by the tone of this b*tching and moaning that they'd been sending teams of professional desecrators around the world to piss on the dearest things of your things for the past seven years or so.
What's the matter children? You'd didn't like Dead Rising? Or the second one? Really? Do you have brains? Do you like video games? Dead Rising was brilliant, flat-out, I don't care what you say, I played the goddamn thing. That was on dur Xbox, remember? Like, the latest one, you know? Or is 2006 ancient history now?
They released another game in that distant year called Lost Planet, do you remember it? Yeah, it was a fun TPS. It wasn't amazing, no, but it had mechs and things that durst die very nicely, and glowing anuses and things to shoot, and I'd play it before most other TPSs. The plot was hilarious, grade A goat cheese, exactly the kind of thing Capcom has been making for years. It has a villain with dual ponytails that hang down over his face, look:
Do you people have souls? Look at that. Just f*cking look at that. That is Capcom. That is the very essence of Capcom.
Devil May Cry 4? Good. Street Fighter IV? Good. Marvel vs Capcom 3? Good. I could name grievances against each of those games (I'm really bloody good at that) but none of them were miserable atrocities, which is what it would take for this kind of response to be appropriate.
But wait, you say, don't forget about Resident Evil 5, that horrible, oozing pile of sh*t that ruined the series (I thought that was 4, you fickle strumpets) and forever tarnished Capcom's name, and yadada, no, not really. It was a good game with a really bad AI partner that made it frustrating sometimes, some sh*tty segments towards the end of the game, and a poor inventory system. It was also a really great action game, especially when played cooperatively, and had a lot of good boss fights, including, of course, the multi-stage battle with Wesker (who was badass beyond belief in that game) which features the single greatest quick-time event in the history of gaming, where you literally beat the sh*t out of a giant boulder just because it's in your way.
Like dual pony-tails that is also the very essence of Capcom, a company whose best qualities (fun, hilarious insanity, occasional brilliance) remain at full-steam this generation despite the crowds of zombie-like, raving morons who don't seem to realise that not every single game can be of REmake level genius, simply for the difficulty of creating something quite that good. Of course 5 wasn't going to be as good as 4, because 4 was a bloody masterpiece. Do you think any game company can white-knuckle the bars of raw excellence for that long at a stretch?
The new trailer has, just for a start:
1. Leon S. mother f*cking Kennedy, who now has facial stubble and the ability to slide on his back John-Woo ****whilst firing a hand-gun.
2. Hunnigan, whom Leon now has another chance to impregnate.
3. Ashley Graham, assisting Alex Wesker as he kung fu's plagas dudez and gets stacks (you will be able to force her into a dumpster, I talked to a Capcom rep this afternoon).
4. Chris Refield punching doors, shoving reporters aside, and generally being a steroid infused lunatic, whom Leon will hopefully murder.
5. At least seventy-thousand hostiles in Tall Oaks alone, which means some sh*t is going to get kilt, which is always the hope with these kinds of things.
6. China.
7. The President of the United States.
If that doesn't give you a hard-on then implant a prothesis, b*tch, you're irreparably damaged.
Maybe it's not yout fault, SW. Maybe your patriotism and masculinty have waned in the face of a constant onslaught of CoD games, fake RPGs, and vagina-fest art titles. Maybe you haven't fed at the stream in so long that you don't even know the taste of Capcom anymore, don't even know what to look for.
Let me clue you in:
Take three steps toward BioWare, do a fast 180, take one step towards Bethesda, pull a left-hand turn, pass Naughty Dog on the right and keep going, take a sh*t on Infinty Ward drunk in the doorway of a whorehouse, wave hi to Valve on their high-rise balcony, pass through the piss-smelling alleyway where Ubisoft and EA suck each other off, jump down the sewer hole labeled DO NOT ENTER and go 100 yards down the creepy looking tunnel until you reach the room labeled BAD-ASS MOTHER F*CKERS which is the Capcom headquarters. Knock three times and say "your right hand comes off" and congratulations, you're finally in man country.
You can thank me later, when your balls drop.
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