Heres something I thought that every RPG fan, and even non fans alike, might enjoy :P peace and Godspeed Ya'll!!!
Humble Beginnings
Though I am but a simple pig farmer, it appears that I have the potential to become the most powerful hero the world has ever known. Don't let my youth and inexperience fool you; my destiny will carry me to far greater heights than my lowly origins might suggest. At least that's what the mysterious stranger who has only just now dropped into my life is saying. The timing is perfect too; it seems that the world is currently being confronted with a cataclysmic danger that only I can prevent. While it seems odd that I should suddenly be hailed as "The Chosen One," I can only assume that my potential has merely gone unnoticed until now. Perhaps I am suffering from amnesia. Perhaps I have been adopted. That no one seemed to expect much of me will make it all the sweeter when I get to rub my newfound fame in their stupid faces.
Caveat Neighbor
Looks like I'll have to wait in line, though; my neighbors' faces are currently being rubbed in the ashes of their homes (or rapidly being smashed against the business end of a goblin's morning star). Had my family and friends but known that my own auspicious destiny would mean a quick and fiery end for my hometown and its residents, I'm certain they'd have sent me packing long ago. Nevertheless, the unfortunate destruction of my past life provides a handy motivation for me to go seek my destiny in the wider world. If I can also manage to track down those who visited such ruin on my home, so much the better. Who knows? Perhaps this objective will also overlap with saving the world. Time will tell.
The Errand Boy
The mighty task of saving the world has fallen on my shoulders and every person I meet reminds me of the urgency of my task. Strangely, I'm not finding the very citizens I'm trying to save particularly helpful. In fact, the only way I can get these ingrates to actually help me defeat the Dark Lord is by running a seemingly endless series of menial chores. The fat innkeeper, for example, knows where the Dark Lord is hiding but he won't give up the info until I agree to kill the rats that are infesting his cellar. He doesn't seem the least bit concerned that the Dark Lord's minions are raping and pillaging the land while I'm busy stomping rats downstairs. I'm beginning to suspect that "Chosen One" is a fancy way of saying "gopher."
Rampant Gigantism
There's something in the water here. These rats are frickin' huge! And it's not only the rats; it seems that everything down here is suffering from some sort of pituitary condition that causes them to be not only gigantic but also incredibly hostile. In addition to the rats I've been confronted by enormous wolves, bats, beetles, and spiders, all of whom are universally, unashamedly hostile. I guess the "They're just as afraid of you as you are of them" crap my mom used to tell me only applies to things you can actually step on.
Equally Rampant Pouchism
What's even weirder is that these horrible creatures seem to be carrying the most odd assortment of items. So far I've managed to collect 12 arrows from a wolf, a handful of coins from a giant spider and a pair of magic boots from a rat. I'm not quite sure just how these animals are carrying these things around. I'd understand if I found some loot on a giant kangaroo or a were-pelican, but I'm really at a loss to explain how or why a beetle is carrying a magic potion.
An Apple a Day, or As Needed
Not surprisingly, the battle against the giant, boot-hoarding rats has left me with numerous lacerations, contusions and broken bones. Eschewing the more traditional forms of professional medical care, I find instead that I can cure all my ills by simply eating different types of food. A tasty apple heals the cut above my eye and a succulent ham mends my broken ankle. When I inevitably find myself poisoned by giant spiders, I can remedy that by eating a piece of nasty cheese found in the sewer. Who needs activated charcoal when you've got cheese?
The Crate and Barrel Gift Card
It's frustrating to have to perform tedious odd jobs in order to gain the cooperation of the local populace ("Oh, I'd be happy to give you the herbs required to cure the bishop's illness. Would you mind grabbing me a sandwich first? And run get me some stamps?"), so I've decided to start helping myself to whatever items happen to be lying around. Fortunately the townspeople here don't even bother to lock their doors, making it as easy as can be to walk in and steal everything I can get my hands on. I suppose the residents don't worry about locking their doors because they've cleverly hidden most of their valuables in crates and barrels. Too bad for them I just looted an Axe of Crate Smashing +1 from a giant otter I slaughtered in the woods.
Morality, Schmorality!
Just as everyone is willing to turn a blind eye towards my compulsive pilfering and enthusiastic crate-smashing, they also seem relatively unconcerned with the fact that I've had to kill hundreds of people and animals in my quest to confront the Dark Lord. Like the man said, in order to make un omelet, you've got to break a few ouefs. To put it in more literal terms: sometimes you have to kill a dude because he has a magic hat that totally goes with your boots.
A Boss So Nice, We Fought Him Twice
After braving tremendous dangers and accomplishing countless tasks, I have finally managed to find my way into the Dark Lord's lair. After taunting me with a tiresomely thorough explanation of his plan, the Dark Lord made ready to do battle with me. Taking full advantage of his obvious vulnerability (and a backpack full of hams), I was able to dispatch him quite easily. Unfortunately, this wasn't his "true" form. Looks like I'll have to battle him all over again in this new, more powerful form. Apparently, this "true" form is some winged mish-mash floating around in some alternate dimension. It also happens to be a hell of a lot more powerful. Once he's destroyed for real, his lair will inexplicably collapse.
All's Well that Ends Well
Now that the Dark Lord has been destroyed, the whole institution of evil that grew up around him pretty much vanishes. The monsters and mercenaries in his employ (those that you didn't kill yet) seem to go off and live perfectly respectable lives. The Dark Lord also happened to be holding onto a very powerful weapon that's pretty much pointless now that he's already dead. Also, it turns out that he was my father.
Whatever. The important thing is that, now that his evil influence has been wiped from the land, there aren't any other problems to deal with -- no poverty, no illness, no wickedness of any kind. Everything's fine...unless of course the game sells well enough to justify a sequel.
Log in to comment