The Joke Thread

Heard a funny joke? Tell it here!

ALL JOKES MUST BE CLEAN AND APPROPRIATE OR YOU WILL BE MODERATED AND/OR KICKED FROM THE UNION! DO NOT OFFEND OTHER INDIVIDUALS OR GROUPS IN YOUR JOKES OR WHILE COMMENTING ON A JOKE!

Well im asking this right now,is yomama jokes allowed here??sithlord300

yeah as long as their appropriate and funny:lol:

Okay I want to get this rolling so I'll start posting some, I'll edit for more later.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Here's another:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

animefreaks were great!

heres one

A man enters his new office at his new job. He sits down and after a while he hears a knock at the door. He quickly picks up his phone trying to look like he's important and says "Come in." The man at the door enters while the man pretends to talk on the phone. After a minute he hangs up and says "As you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man at the door says "I'm here to hook up your phone."

another

A boy in his house answers the phone.  The boy whispers "hello?" A salesman says "Hello young boy is your mother there?" "She's busy." whispered the boy. "What about your father?" the man asked. "He's busy too" the boy whispered. "Are there any other adults in the house?" the man asked. "Yes. A policeman." The boy whispers. "A policeman!?" gasps the salesman. "Can I speak to him?" He asked. "No" the boy whispers "he's busy." The salesman asks "With all these adults in the house what are they busy doing?" After a short pause the boy whispers "Looking for me."

Edit: i fixed my joke. I worded it wrong and it looked really inappropriate. sorry

how about these. they are all dialogues between people...

Sam: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Sam: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

or...

Patient: I'm here for my heart.

Doctor: Sorry, I don't have it.

or..

Bart: How did you break your leg?

Rick: See those steps over their?

Bart: Sure.

Rick: Well I didn't!

did you here the one about the guy who kept desperately trying to make his topic live and noone responded!?!

Get the hint?!

Okay here's one.

okay one day this girl decides to go to the dentist.The lady at the counter asks why is she wearing headphones.she said i need them to breave.The dentist told her that she will see him.So she walks right in.The dentist then says i will have to remove to remove these headphones.The lady says"No if you do i will diee"Dentist says".Dont be rediculouse".So he takes the headphones off and 5 mintues later when he was done that lady had died.He picks up the headphones and puts them on.he then hears these words.Breath in,Breath Out.

here's another.

There are these three kids.Shutup,Trouble,and manners.So one day shutup trouble and manners go to the park and shutup gets lost.So trouble and manners go to the police station to file a report.Troubles walks and tells the officer that their friend is missing.The officer asks the name of the person.So Troubles says,Shutup!The officer says,"Boy what did you say to me?Where are your manners?"Trouble says,"Outside waiting for me"

did you here the one about the guy who kept desperately trying to make his topic live and noone responded!?!

Get the hint?!

skine99

yeah i liked all the jokes.Espically the one with the porch.:lol:

Yeah that was funny.Hey skine99,its freacking hot down here.

Okay guys I think this thread has some potential, so I'm going to attempt to revive it. Here's some more, hope you like them.

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Here's another:

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Do "Chuck Norris Facts" count as jokes?kryptofreak120

I suppose they do 8)

[QUOTE="kryptofreak120"]Do "Chuck Norris Facts" count as jokes?Animefreak58

I suppose they do 8)

Original, huh? Man, that's gonna be hard. Well, I might as well share a few of my favorite ones I found.

- Chuck Norris drives an ice-cream truck covered in human skulls.
- What we call "Brokeback Mountain" also refers to the pile of dead ninjas Chuck Norris has on his front lawn.
- In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
- What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before he killed them? His shoe...
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
- People invented cars to get away from Chuck Norris. That's why Chuck invented the car accident.
- In the average living room, there are 1242 items Chuck Norris could use to kill you with, including the room itself.
- Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 Chuck Norris drives an ice-cream truck covered in human skulls

kryptofreak120