43DH5 Revolutions

No, not a sequel. Heck no.

This is the post for the new formatted and fancy looking 43DH5 reboot.

Here you go.

Thoughts, comments, and compliments are encouraged and appreciated. Whining is discouraged and will result in severe torture.

EDIT from February: There's a new version I'm foodling with below. That one is leaps and bounds better than this one, even if this version 1.1 is finished. You can look at it to seethe original, but below is where it's at.

Do you want me to point out styIistic things as well as grammatical etc.?

Edit:

Wow, I just read for 20 minutes and with the change in structure having the spaces is really painful... it kinda made sense when he was still using the log format, but now it's a story structure it's just painful :(

Well I still plan on finishing it... but ouch!

Work in progress, of course. I can change at your whim.

Point out whatever is on your mind.

I was thinking for a while now that the opening of the older drafts was better, but since I still didn't finish I decided no comment. :Piloveflash

I haven't changed the opening. The first ten pages haven't been edited much, if at all.

ILF:

it's probably just cause a lot of writting has more impact the first time! :)

Anyway i finished it. I may have contracted eye cancer in the mean time, but I finished it! :P

Well before I copy and paste in the typos and other stuff (maybe) I noticed I'll say nice work. The initial opening (basically until he left) I enjoyed more than the rest, but the rest was engaging enough anyway.

If there are no significant changes in the story, I don't think I'll read it over again. Is there anywhere in the story you made drastic changes (or at least so much change I should check it out)?waZelda

Right now the only real plot change was that he sort of remembers his past lives at the end of the book. An extra four paragraphs, perhaps. I need to set it up a little better next edit around.

And thanks, Foolz. Again, a work in progress.

Hey, uhh could I e-mail you my thoughts? It's 1,700 words so far and I'm about half way through. GS ain't too great for stuff like this either.Foolz3h

gbarules2999 at gmail dot com.

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]Hey, uhh could I e-mail you my thoughts? It's 1,700 words so far and I'm about half way through. GS ain't too great for stuff like this either.Aberinkulas

gbarules2999 at gmail dot com.

I'm kinda upset that I saw that coming. :P

Snow day! What would be better way than getting out of shoveling than applying Foolz's patch to 43DH5?

YAY FOR MR. FOOLZ!!!!!!

I took most of your reccomendations, Foolz, and left only a few things unchanged. But thank you nontheless; 43DH5 is now a much better story.

Plan on seeing added chapters and sections to the text. I want to add to this story; I just have to think of things for them to do first. I'll tie it all in to everything else, though.

.............

holy crap.
i'm too tired to finish this right now but it's freaking genius. i imagine you've heard of Ray Kurzweil. he's the guy who got me interested in this kind of futurism. and this story is brilliant. 

.............

holy crap.
i'm too tired to finish this right now but it's freaking genius. i imagine you've heard of Ray Kurzweil. he's the guy who got me interested in this kind of futurism. and this story is brilliant. 

stevenscott14

Wow, thanks!

I haven't heard of Kurzweil, but I just googled his name; I'll look into it.

Holy Crap man! That was really cool. I love this whole space age futuristic writing.

Great job!

That's two swears in a row!iloveflash

Do I get an award?

Thanks, Honky.

i'm done, by the way. i finished it yesterday.
there's really nothing i can say that hasn't been said already. :P
stevenscott14

But you're someone new I can quiz.

What part of my fiction was the most interesting? What in my world would you like to learn more about?

Update. No, really. NEW MATERIAL.

I'm taking a break for a few minutes, but I've already added a few new characters. Expect to see the new characters affect the ending of the story a bit.

I've got a few new revisions up my sleeve, and they're coming.

The new stuff is about 2/3 down, under a header that has "DATE HERE" instead of an actual date because I haven't been paying attention to whether my dates macth up or not. I'm still working, so if you look at the story within the next hour or so, expect to see a little bit of construction work before your very eyes.

My PSP is even more overjoyed.iloveflash

Is that where you read it? Or...?

That's where I'm reading it now, and where I plan to read it while I'm on the run. :)iloveflash

Just don't hit a wall:P

BTW Aber, your new avy scares me:|

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]That's where I'm reading it now, and where I plan to read it while I'm on the run. :)honkyjoe

Just don't hit a wall:P

BTW Aber, your new avy scares me:|

I need to change it to some other Linux distro like I usually do. Though there's nothing wrong with Allysa Milano.

[QUOTE="honkyjoe"]

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]That's where I'm reading it now, and where I plan to read it while I'm on the run. :)Aberinkulas

Just don't hit a wall:P

BTW Aber, your new avy scares me:|

I need to change it to some other Linux distro like I usually do. Though there's nothing wrong with Allysa Milano.

Indeed but she looked a bit, well... fried:P

[QUOTE="Aberinkulas"]

I need to change it to some other Linux distro like I usually do. Though there's nothing wrong with Allysa Milano.

honkyjoe

Indeed but she looked a bit, well... fried:P

That's something we like to call the 1980's, for lack of a better name.

[QUOTE="honkyjoe"][QUOTE="Aberinkulas"]

I need to change it to some other Linux distro like I usually do. Though there's nothing wrong with Allysa Milano.

Aberinkulas

Indeed but she looked a bit, well... fried:P

That's something we like to call the 1980's, for lack of a better name.

I've always preferred the 1980s.

I promised that I'd make the second half of 43Dh5 as awesome as the first. It's taking work, but I'm getting there.

This is the new draft. It's around 20 pages long for now.

I've gutted the old draft, removed and moved things around. Some things make more sense, and some things aren't in there yet (but most will appear in the later pages). It also has a more novella-like pace and tone, so it's a little faster and reasonable. If you're wondering: the changes are substantial enough to reread the thing, though things are moving around so much you might as well just take a peek to see what I'm up to, post an encouraging message, and move on.

Just so you know: the ending will be mostly sorta/kinda different. Except he still dies, and he still meets Athens. But yeah...I already wrote the new ending, and it's pretty sweet. Better than the old "Oh everybody was killed and captured" nonsense. I'll put it this way: I hated the old ending, but I love the crap out of this new one.

Other plot ideas: A lot of the original plot ideas will be intact (like Idian and Soose's argument, the trip to retrieve Wint and their discussions, the senate interrogation) but they may be changed or dilluded slightly because I don't plan on this version to be very long. Fifty pages at the most. I also intend to keep the format you see here through the novel: 43DH5 will not ever ever leave a terminal again. Oh, I'm also removing the wings off of any of the characters that had them before. I'm sorry, but that's was just stupid. This isn't anime steampunk, dammit.

Any formatting issues should be posted, but please remember that Google Docs is still a PITA and I will probably end up killing it in a dark alleyway someday. Though big bold bars are added for more clarity so you know which log is which. Much better.

Lemme give it to you straight, dude: this stuff is professional. A nice, enjoyable read. If TWL was a boxing gym, you'd be ready for the pros (and Japan's only chance of winning a world title).

Srsly, good job. This brings me back to my Harry Potter days; I spend warm nights under my blanky just reading this on my PSP. I'll try to be more in-depth when I reach the end.

Lemme give it to you straight, dude: this stuff is professional. A nice, enjoyable read. If TWL was a boxing gym, you'd be ready for the pros (and Japan's only chance of winning a world title).

Srsly, good job. This brings me back to my Harry Potter days; I spend warm nights under my blanky just reading this on my PSP. I'll try to be more in-depth when I reach the end.

iloveflash

I'm getting that warm fuzzy feeling! 

But I have one question once you read the second part (and moreso the last scene before I stopped writing): is the dialogue clear-cut enough to be at least somewhat understood? I took a little bit of style from The Road (Cormac McCarthy - READ IT) but I don't know if it fits with what I'm trying to do here.

"In this da"

Shouldn't it be on?

"several hours being 124 minutes, and 54 seconds, in the no-Operating System world."

2 hours is a couple, several is four or more. :P

"is will consume every process this user runs"

it.

"a few minutes being 4 minutes and 56 seconds." 

A few minutes is 3, 4 is several. :P

"which not adequate for a proper viewing angle, and will deteriorate in 5 days. "

is not.

"Yes, you have been working very hard, my good _man_. Y"

Wow, tone! Good mandid not fi tfor me at all. Especially when he then calls him worker.

"The other notable fact were my eyes. I did not have any. Instead, I had gray metal objects that I can only assume were camera lens"

He's already mentioned what his 'eyes' were like so why would he be surpreised by them and mention them again?

There was another little thing like that. You said that brains were replaced with hard drives, yet later on you say they have brains. :S 

Anyway much more polished! There were a few bits that felt a little awkward in their word (eg. "I shall simply post the entry here because such will be more efficient", though there many worse, but I got too lazy to highlight them xD) and the scene where is rescued was quite awkard too, I thought, with a fair bit of unbelievable dialogue which meant it was kinda jarring considering the smooth opening. Looking forward rest! :D

So I can find where I'm up to tomorrow: Hello again, 43DH5.

I still haven't let you out of your containment, but don't worry, it will come. In time, with everything.

...

post.exe

---
Welcome.
---

Today I, I being iloveflash, finished reading the new draft of 43DH5. Thought Process AMAZEMENT began to manifest. Although it, it being Thought Process AMAZEMENT, did not lead to DISSATISFACTION, I, I being iloveflash, became frightened at its, it being 43DH5's, genius.

I, I being iloveflash, did however read the original draft, and became AMUSED.

WARNING WARNING THOUGHT PROCESS DETECTED

user iloveflash must be detained for Thought Process violation.

...

I feel like such an idiot right now.

"What, now?"

What's that coma doing there? In fact there were a few interestingly placed comas and full stops here and there...

"I'm Debia. I visited you once before, actually. Twice, if you could the remote message I sent a few days ago."

Like there.

"have Thought Processes Didn't they"

Should D be capitalised?

"I am twenty percent fear and that's all I can think or see or hear but I'm also unhappy and I'm also uncertain and I'm also five percent mad."

Considering he's describing emotions in a rather scientiffic manner, angry might be more appropiate.

"I've had enough for this."

Typo! :D

":">PRINT Can you please tell Debia that I want to talk some more"

Yes.

POWEROFF

Sending shutdown to all processes...
ENDING ALL PROCESSES NOW"

What happened to the ending?! Or did he kill hismelf? :?

Anyway that is SO much better after he's been captured, man, fantastic job! The first dialogue where they tell him CyHuman isn't real is really awkard, though, in fact it sounded like a few children having an argument to me, and there were a few other minor problems here, but Jesus Christ this is so much better!

Yes.

POWEROFF

Sending shutdown to all processes...
ENDING ALL PROCESSES NOW"

Foolz3h

That's at the end of every chapter once he's in Resistance. He's going to sleep.

It's not done yet.

Anyway that is SO much better after he's been captured, man, fantastic job! The first dialogue where they tell him CyHuman isn't real is really awkard, though, in fact it sounded like a few children having an argument to me, and there were a few other minor problems here, but Jesus Christ this is so much better!

MORE

I wanted 43DH5 to sound childish and unreasonable there, but I know I need to work on Debia's voice a bit. It's on my list; don't worry.