Alignments Clash - Chapter 3

Hello, hello. I've got the third Chapter of my Alignments Clash project book going here. Like the previous two, it's a standalone introduction of a character involved in the story. According to the plan now, there will be six of these, but I plan to cut it down to only three for the final manuscript. (I'm also fairly sure this will be one of the three used, so critique is especially valuable here. One way or another, this part of the story must be told. ;) )

It's somewhat gruesome in places (though I do think some of the later sections of the book will be much more so) but I don't think most people will have a problem with it. So, here it is. This chapter also contains the first of several changes I've made to the original story content in the topic in my forum, which is an alteration in a character name. Arith's name was originally slightly different, but I think this one suits him more.

I can't wait to get to the next chapter, since I've planned it out and it's quite significant, story-wise. Anyway, enjoy. :D

"His clothes were brown, perhaps stained that way from wear, and filled with small holes, torn from years of running through thick forest"

Why would the narrator know that the clothes were torn from running through thick forest but not why his clothes were stained? XD

"You gonna kill her right here?" the second soldier asked.

"Of course I am!"

Not sure if that's necessary as it upsets the impact slightly and it's clear what they're going to do! Though I'm not sure if it really id detrimental.

and her blue hair was enough to convince him that she was a Marauder

Repetition of a previous fact. Could be for effect though!

The soldier collapsed, dead the instant it had hit him, sliding down the lance; blood vaporizing on contact with the apparently magic weapon.

I dunno, that doesn't make too much sense to me! XD

Anyway this I'm really liking this story and I DEMAND MOAR!

...Awesome...

Okay I'll just give a general opinion of the passage, since I don't have time to give a blow-by-blow critique. I thought that the scene progressed a bit too fast. Of course it is the entirlet the author's wish on how to proceed the story and there is nothing wrong in the passage... just that it started a bit abruptly, the tempo of the scene changed abruptly, You could have spent a little more time in describing the finer aspects of the scene.

And the blue hair made me wince the first time I read it... I don't mean any offence, just that I just can't take a character with blue hair in any place other than anime.

Yeah, Endless is addicted to anime. But it works for me; that chapter was awesome!

There were a couple of things that could've been better though, but for now I'll just point out the ending:

SPOILER WARNING

"Please…let me take you to him, he will explain." Robius rested his hand upon Arith's shoulder.

"To who!?" Arith cried desperately.

"The Man in Blue Armor."

Now, I'm sure I know what effect you were going for here. You wanted to introduce the Man in Blue Armor in a very cool, cliffhangery way, right? Well it's a bit too obvious by having Arith say "To who?" as if he's suddenly interested while he's been crying about his sister's death all this time. I say get rid of the line altogether, and just have the Marauder say:

"Please…let me take you to him, he will explain." Robius rested his hand upon Arith's shoulder. "The Man in Blue Armor."

Of course that needs some sprucing up XD, but I think it makes more sense that way.

Once again, killer chapter!

Foolz:

"His clothes were brown, perhaps stained that way from wear, and filled with small holes, torn from years of running through thick forest"

Why would the narrator know that the clothes were torn from running through thick forest but not why his clothes were stained? XD

Foolz3h

Very good point. :lol:

"You gonna kill her right here?" the second soldier asked.

"Of course I am!"

Not sure if that's necessary as it upsets the impact slightly and it's clear what they're going to do! Though I'm not sure if it really id detrimental.Foolz3h

I wasn't entirely happy with that either, but I wanted to distinguish between the personalities of the two soldiers, how one was more hesitant to take Lucia's life than the other.

and her blue hair was enough to convince him that she was a Marauder

Repetition of a previous fact. Could be for effect though!Foolz3h

I shall have to look into changing that paragraph around there, I think I got caught up in my explanation.

The soldier collapsed, dead the instant it had hit him, sliding down the lance; blood vaporizing on contact with the apparently magic weapon.

I dunno, that doesn't make too much sense to me! XDFoolz3h

Yeah, I found that sorta hard to describe. :lol: Basically, the soldier is dead, so his body falls limp, but it's guided to the ground by the lance since it's embedded in his head. (And the lance isn't a solid object per se, it's sort of like a light saber I suppose :lol: )

Anyway this I'm really liking this story and I DEMAND MOAR!Foolz3h

Thanks! I'll do my best to get Chapter 4 under way as soon as I've gone through the edits from the suggestions for Chapter 3!

freek:

...Awesome...freek666

Thanks! :D Awesomeness is definitely what I'm going for. ;)

sandy:

Okay I'll just give a general opinion of the passage, since I don't have time to give a blow-by-blow critique. I thought that the scene progressed a bit too fast. Of course it is the entirlet the author's wish on how to proceed the story and there is nothing wrong in the passage... just that it started a bit abruptly, the tempo of the scene changed abruptly, You could have spent a little more time in describing the finer aspects of the scene.sandyqbg

I noticed the pacing as well when I was writing it, but I had inspiration and motivation going, so I wrote most of it out in a single sitting. (The first few paragraphs had been done before.) I'll see if I can get some more details in there to pace the scene better. ;)

And the blue hair made me wince the first time I read it... I don't mean any offence, just that I just can't take a character with blue hair in any place other than anime.sandyqbg

Oo, well as flash said, I'm obsessed with anime. :P I write with anime styled characters in my mind's eye, so that tends to come across in my writing. (I hope 8) ) And there will be a lot of people with lots of different colors of hair in this story. :lol:

flash:

Yeah, Endless is addicted to anime. But it works for me; that chapter was awesome!iloveflash

Thanks! 8) I'm glad my awesomeness impression got over to my audience. :lol: Anime ftw!

"Please…let me take you to him, he will explain." Robius rested his hand upon Arith's shoulder.

"To who!?" Arith cried desperately.

"The Man in Blue Armor."

Now, I'm sure I know what effect you were going for here. You wanted to introduce the Man in Blue Armor in a very cool, cliffhangery way, right? Well it's a bit too obvious by having Arith say "To who?" as if he's suddenly interested while he's been crying about his sister's death all this time. I say get rid of the line altogether, and just have the Marauder say:

"Please…let me take you to him, he will explain." Robius rested his hand upon Arith's shoulder. "The Man in Blue Armor."

Of course that needs some sprucing up XD, but I think it makes more sense that way.iloveflash

Well, Arith's attitude there is more of anger than curiosity. He's a bit short of patience so Robius being vague sorta annoyed him. I do see what you mean. But if I continued this sequence (which I might do in a flashback later) Arith would have actually run away after that last line, rather than gone with him. ;) Of course, he has no chance of getting away from Robius, but he's a kid and he's frustrated. 8)

Once again, killer chapter!iloveflash

Thanks! :D Hopefully I'll be able to get on the next one soon.

All: Thanks for such a quick and in-depth response, guys! This has all been really helpful and I'll be working on all your suggestions today. :D

Good work!

I would generally say that it could have been paced slightly better, and I would also say that the chapter should be longer, it would be better to have more description in certain areas, perhaps to build tension and a greater sense of atmosphere.

Good work!

I would generally say that it could have been paced slightly better, and I would also say that the chapter should be longer, it would be better to have more description in certain areas, perhaps to build tension and a greater sense of atmosphere.MetalGear_Ninty

Thanks! :D I'll definitely have to work on the pacing in this Chapter, since it's something most people have picked up on, and I noticed myself while writing it. More description will definitely be the way I go for fleshing it out and improving the flow of events. 8)

In other words he wants to know where he is so he can kick his blue arse! Foolz3h

That he does! It'd certainly be a one-sided fight though. :lol:

Well I say the same as always... 'tis awesome But introducing all 21 might take a while... (21 whats will have to wait, for everyone else )Blade_Tr4iner

Thanks. :D I'm not going to give them each a Chapter lol, the next one (Chapter 5) is going to be the last individual character intro chapter. ;)