Grand Atma: Terms and Introduction

This is a story I had rolling in my head since 7th grade and started writing it the way I wanted in my sophomore year of high school (2003 - 2004). I'm not finished with it and last time I written this was October of '06. Right now want to go back to writing it now. Since this story is heavy with terms so I made a list of terms that make easy to follow the story:

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Terms

Techxer - A word for police apart of Atma. The word Techxer is really slang term. When Atma was founded police were called a 'Technically enhanced police officer'. Then changed to 'Techxer' for short. Persons can be a techxer when they're between the ages of 13-34. When a techxer reaches an age between their late 20s and 34 their ages physically regress back to their teen years. From time to time the regression can happen too early and regress back the preteen years. In a techxer's lifetime age regression can happen nine times in their lifetime as a side effect from a techxer's spark.

Sparks - Sparks are special powers techxers. Trainees go through extensive training physically, mentally, physiological training. If you don't pass all three of these then you won't be a Techxer. They 're eight sparks in Atma divided into elemental and non-elemental classes. Whatever spark a techxer gets is based on their personality, however that's only a myth. Techxers are given sparks at random. A techxer can materialize the element of their spark from any part of there body. With a thunder, fire and light spark you can turn yourself in lightning, fire or light. All sparks can but Ice, Earth and Matter Alter can lunch projectiles. Using your spark extensively can be draining on you but you still have a lot in reserve. If you drain that however you will end up killing yourself when your pupils dilate and your heart implodes! Sparks have a shell life of an estimated 190 years this can even extend the life of the techxer. Once the spark deteriorates the techxers powers are gone and the techxer will age as regularly as any mere mortal.

Spark charging - charging is way of turning your spark on. It charges by a techxer's growing adrenaline, sense of alertness, hostility or aggression. Charging is noticeable when a techxer's eyes glow instantly and go back to normal. The color depends on their sparks.

Elemental absorption - absorption is when a Techxer absorbs their spark element from wherever they can find it. The only exception is solid matter sparks and Matter Alter. Your spark energy can be regenerated over time without any absorbing at all.

Elemental Combustion - If a techxer absorbs too much of their spark their materialize into that spark and explode!

Elemental Sparks:

1). Ice - controls Ice. Make ice cold enough to be harder than steel. Forms dry ice. Form ice around you as a shield and turn it into any shape.

2). Fire - Controls Fire

3). Thunder - Controls Thunder

4). Water - Controls water

5). Earth - Ditto as ice

6). Plasma - Controls light and Plasma

Non-Elemental Sparks:

7). Atom Splitter - Form explosions big or small. This is primarily a projection spark.

8). Matter Alter - Control time and space, make yourself, anything and anyone around you faster or slower. You could shift or manipulate matter. This spark is incredibly unpredictable. Some techxers know how to use this spark better than others

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Here's the introduction to the story:

Modera, a land similar to ours has finally united after hundreds of years of feudal civil wars between the eastern and western regions of the land. However the peace has now been once again shattered by a group of religious zealots/terrorists known as The Nexus. Spreading their beliefs with terror and destruction throughout Modera. Saying there bringing forth bless and rapture. Yet not everyone knows who or what they are. Even with a new kind of police force with the ability to use elemental powers known as Atma, might not be able to solve the problem, but there are some in Atma that go over and the above the system to stand up to this unusual menace. Here begins the journey of the seven in the Grand Atma.

(Insert fight scene here.)

hehe!

Cool ideas, and that'd make a very interesting anime imo!

P.S.

How the heck is Techxer pronounced? O_O

(Insert fight scene here.)

hehe!

Cool ideas, and that'd make a very interesting anime imo!

P.S.

How the heck is Techxer pronounced? O_O

Foolz3h

Your right, it would make an interesting anime. I can actually invision it now. Also I think its pronounced "teck-za" or "teck-zer"

I like the idea, seems like it's gonna be a good story, although honestly can't say I like the script form - is there any chance of you converting it into a proper narrative once the whole story is done? :P

Otherwise, I like it - hope to see more.

I like the idea, seems like it's gonna be a good story, although honestly can't say I like the script form - is there any chance of you converting it into a proper narrative once the whole story is done? :P

Otherwise, I like it - hope to see more.

Blade_Tr4iner

Most people I've have shown this to over the years have liked the script form. This has always been easy for my to write and easy for everyone to read like I said before. I never liked writing this narrative form. But thanks for saying your opinion. I'll post more.

Chapter 4

Aug 16th

7:30 A.M.

Marketplace Precinct

Grady was going in the station with full disgust. Knowing that he might hear more from Mortz. From what other techxers around the station had said to him. He was more worried about his Commissioner than the paperwork that was waiting for him. When he was talking to another techxer he was interrupted by...

Mortz: (Calmer than before) Anderson! Can I see you please? In my office.

Grady sighs and follows Mortz. Mortz walks to his desk and sits on top of it. Grady stands in front of him.

Mortz: We got the information from that tall guy you took out the other day. It was hard to believe him. Said something about taking those children to "Paradise". Son of a b*tch must be off his rocker.

Grady: What does this have to do with me?

Mortz: (Gets out of his seat and walks to Grady) I just want to say sorry for not listening to you yesterday, even though you did disobey my order. And don't even worry about any paperwork after what those kids told us they owe you your life. (Puts his hand on Grady's right shoulder) Good job Anderson!

Grady: (Uneasy tone) Thanks Commissioner.

Mortz: You can leave now; I guess you might want to go back on your shift. (Opens the door for Grady)

When he walks out everyone in the precinct surrounds the door, looking at Grady. They all give him around of applause. Grady looked frustrated.

Grady: Come on! I don't want this!

Techxer #1: Hey, congrats Grady!

Grady: (Sarcastic tone) Yeah, thanks.

Techxer #2: Man, you got some serious guts!

Everybody keep cheering Grady on! Mortz can see he doesn't like it.

Mortz: Ok, ok, people. This guy has business of his own to attend to. Let him be.

Everyone slowly calms down.

Mortz: All right, I'll see you later Anderson.

Grady nods and leaves the station and goes to his patrol duties back at the Marketplace.

While walking around the marketplace so far nothing's happened. Until three guys run right past Grady. One of them almost knocked him off his feet.

Grady: (Yelling) Hey!

Right before he was going to chase them he when recognized two of the guys. They were a part of the gang that got in his way yesterday.

Grady: (Thinks) Hey, aren't they those two guys that... (Runs after them)

Grady chased the three all the way down to the south docks.

One of the guys (The one Grady doesn't know) stopped and stared off in distance at Grady.

Guy: Dammit. I'm tired of this! (Pulls out a Sub-machine gun)

The guy hears something in a large crate on his right hand side. It was sound of an animal growling. He peeks in it and turns to Grady, grinning and fires the padlock off the crate. Then finally runs off right before a huge monster bursts out of the cage.

When Grady runs into it was like a large combination between a grizzly bear and a wolverine. It was ten times the size of Grady.

Grady stops and is wide-eyed.

(Insert fight here)

Grady continues to run off after the three guys all the way down to a ferryboat. The guys had already taken off. The guy that sinked the monster on Grady saw him coming. He cursed under his breath and aimed his sub-machine gun and opened fire at Grady. Grady taken cover behind an old tool shed. The guy stopped shooting when his was empty. Grady peaked out to get a good look at the guy. He had short black hair, blue eyes was 6'5, built like a linebacker. Wearing a blue long sleeve shirt, black baggy jeans and blue sneakers. His name is Riiges LaCroin.

The boat had disappeared into the fog. (Note: It was a foggy day)

Riiges: (Yelling) See you around blondie!

Grady sighs in frustration and walks away.

Grady was on his way back to the Marketplace. Another techxer was running to him.

Techxer: (Out of breath) Hey, where those guys...(Catches breath) go?

Grady: They took off in a boat and vanished in the fog.

Techxer: (Sarcastic tone) Great.

Grady: You know what they were running from?

Techxer: Yeah, those three punks...(Tries to get the words out) Broke into a jewelry store right before it opened and looted it. The funny thing was they only took a few things. They didn't start running until me and few other techxers saw them.

Grady: (Nods to himself) Kinda, weird. I wanna check that place out. Where is that Jewelry place?

Techxer: (Breath already caught and nods) Sure.

End of chapter...

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Chapter 5

9:36 A.M

Aug 17th

Marketplace Jeweler

Grady got to the Jeweler and there was broken glass everywhere. He walked through the display window, which was already shattered completely. The owner was there; she couldn't believe what she saw.

Grady: Doesn't look like a lot was stolen.

The jeweler didn't look like she was paying attention

Jeweler: (Shakes head) They've done this to my store, my beautiful store.

Grady: Excuse me lady, did you know what they took?

Jeweler: The only jewels gone were Echels

Grady: Echels?

Jeweler: They're very rare and precious. There found in some parts of the mountains east of here. Rumor has it that it's said that they hold some kind of power.

Grady: (Confused) Some kind of power?

Jeweler: It's just some myth. I doubt that's way the robbers wanted them.

More techxers were coming including Emmit.

Grady: (Silently) It's you.

Emmit: Hey man. I heard about those guys about those you chased. They got away?

Grady: Yeah.

Emmit: What they steal?

Grady: Some rare jewels. Called Echels...or something.

Emmit: (Whispers in Grady's ear) Echels? that's the same thing that the tall guy said. Hey, if you got a minute, I wanna talk.

Out on the ferryboat. Riiges and the two Gang members were waiting for someone to come.

Gang member A: So when they come, when do we get paid?

Riiges: Relax; you'll get what's yours.

Out of the sky a bright light comes down to the boat. The light turned into a woman in a white Nexus robe, with light blue hair, gray eyes and incredibly pale skin.

Woman: (Smiles) Riiges. Have you found what we needed?

Riiges: You bet.

Riiges reaches for the backpack with the jewels and opens it.

Woman: (Grins even more looking at them) They are beautiful. Manson will be pleased.

The two gang members were confused.

Gang member B: Hey, what the hell's going on?

Gang member A: Yeah, and we gonna get our money or what?

Woman: Beg your pardon?

Riiges: I needed them to get the take the jewels so I told them they'll get paid of they helped.

Gang member B: Yeah! And we want cold hard cash?

Riiges whispers something in the woman's ear.

Woman: (Faces the two gang members) Fine then. If it's a reward you that you want. (Turns into a white light along with Riiges) Then a reward you will get!

The light hovers over the boat and fires a long beam at it. The boat explodes into millions of pieces. With the gang members on it.

Two gang members: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

A scene starts out with Grady and Emmit sitting at a café, facing each other.

Grady: Ok, what's this all about?

Emmit: When we interrogated that tall dude downtown. He said that this...Nexus was taking children so they can be brainwashed and trained to fight for them. And the day you broke into the school. Was the same day they were gonna ship all those kids out of there. Good thing that you came in there and stopped them before got mostly everyone out.

Grady: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, I know, I know. What did he say about those jewels?

Emmit: He said that were collecting these Echels. But said he doesn't know why they're collecting them.

Grady: You sure he doesn't know?

Emmit: We were poking at him about that for an hour and got nothin' from him. He said only the ones that are high ranking in Nexus know. But he did tell us there some Nexus forces trying to get some of those jewels in a small mining village that's about almost a hundred miles southeast out of town called Powlz.

Grady: Ok, that's great. What's this have to do with me? I mean, why don't you tell that stuff to your commissioner?

Emmit: That's the thing, man. Nobody's taking him seriously and for some reason it's not my precinct's problem anymore. Plus everybody knows in that place they mine almost everything out there but diamonds and jewels and that kind of stuff. And knowing you and how handle things in that school. You might come in handy if you come with me there.

Grady couldn't believe what he heard.

Grady: What! You want me to come with you? All the way out there?

Emmit: Yeah, I mean this is the first time we got something hot about these Nexus guys. Just think of it as a little investigation. We got nothing to lose and if we don't find anything out there, then no big deal. We'll just forget about it and pretend like we never been out there.

Grady: Look! Hell no! I'm not going out there. I've already been in trouble with my commissioner and I don't want to get in any more hot water! (Sighs) I'm out of here.

Grady gets up and prepares to leave.

Emmit: (Shakes head in discomfort) Hey, fine by me if you want to spend to the rest of your Atma days patrolling the marketplace for punks trying to get a five-finger discount.

Grady stops and thinks about what Emmit said for a second. He turns around to face him again.

Grady: All right, you win.

Emmit smiles

Grady: When you want go?

Emmit: Whenever you're ready.

Grady: Ok, sure how about now.

End of Chapter...

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Chapter 6

2:03 P.M

Aug 17th

Emmit's Neighborhood

Grady and Emmit went all the all to far reaches of the city (In the suburbs) where Emmit lives. Emmit stopped at his house.

Emmit opened the door with his garage opener. Inside is a jeep.

Emmit: Hey if we walked there, I'll be a long trip. (Walks to jeep)

Grady: (Shakes head) Hey wait! Are you even old enough to drive?

Emmit: Ok, I should have told you this before. I'm really nineteen years old but my age got regressed too early. So I look eleven.

Grady: That sucks.

Emmit: Eh, It's all right. Hey! Can you drive?

Grady: Yeah, I'm sure I can. Why you asking me?

Emmit: Cause I can't reach the pedals.

Grady: (Conks head in disgust) You gotta be kidding me.

The two get in the jeep and drive off to Powlz. The trip there was mountainous and long and when they got there the sun was already setting. They got into the town and parked the car near a diner parking lot and got out the jeep.

The town had a rundown look. The road were made gravel and the homes were old-fashioned. Not to mention the air was dirty from all the smoke and burning coal from a few factories.

Emmit: We should look around. Ask somebody were that mines are.

Grady: (Silently) All right.

The two techxers walked up to old couples that were working on their front yard.

Emmit: Excuse me.

He got the old couple's attention

Old woman: Is there something I can do you for young gentlemen?

Grady: Yeah, I'm Grady Anderson and this is Emmit Raylan from the Portiis Atma. And we were just wondering...

Suddenly the couple snapped.

Old man: (Steamed) Atma! Get away from our property!

Grady: (Under his breath) What?

Old woman: We don't want to deal with your kind!

Old man: (Picks up a stick from the ground) Get on out of here you little spark-ridden ingrates. (Throws the stick at Grady) Go! Get!

The two gets out the way and walks when they started throwing more things at them

When they were going around the town to asking questions. Whenever they received nothing but hostility every time they said they were Techxers. Despite the bad remarks from the locals they did get some good information about the mines. Someone said there were west to the center of town.

Grady: I can't see why these people don't like Techxers.

Emmit: I don't see why not. When Atma was founded a lot of the original police lost their jobs. Hardly any crime here so there is no need for any police force here.

Grady: (Sarcastic) Really, great.

The techxers head off to the mines. When they got to entrance they saw a long line of workers going in. before each one went in there were being inspected by a guard at a chain link gate. Emmit stopped walk there and stop Grady by grabbing his arm.

Grady: What?

Emmit: Grady, I've been thinking. If the people 'round don't like Techxers. What makes us think that guy can let us in?

Grady thinks about what Emmit said.

Grady: Well, do you got in mind? Sneak in?

Emmit (Looks at the miner in line and thinks) Hmm...Something like that.

End Of Chapter...

Chapter 6

2:03 P.M

Aug 17th

Emmit's Neighborhood

Grady and Emmit went all to the far reaches of the city (In the suburbs) where Emmit lives. Emmit stopped at his house.

Emmit opened the door with his garage opener. Inside is a jeep.

Emmit: Hey if we walked there, It'll be a long trip. (Walks to jeep)

Grady: (Shakes head) Hey wait! Are you even old enough to drive?

Emmit: Ok, I should have told you this before. I'm really nineteen years old but my age got regressed too early. So I look eleven.

Grady: That sucks.

Emmit: Eh, It's all right. Hey! Can you drive?

Grady: Yeah, I'm sure I can. Why you asking me?

Emmit: 'Cause, I can't reach the pedals.

Grady: (Conks head in disgust) You gotta be kidding me.

The two get in the jeep and drive off to Powlz. The trip there was mountainous and long and when they got there the sun was already setting. They got into the town and parked the car near in a diner parking lot and got out the jeep.

The town had a rundown look. The roads were made of gravel and the homes were old-fashioned. Not to mention the air was dirty from all the smoke and burning coal from a few factories.

Emmit: We should look around. Ask somebody were that mines are.

Grady: (Silently) All right.

_______________________________________________________________________

The two techxers walked up to an old couple that were working on their front yard.

Emmit: Excuse me.

He got the old couple's attention

Old woman: Is there something we can do you for you young gentlemen?

Grady: Yeah, I'm Grady Anderson and this is Emmit Raylan from the Portiis Atma. And we were just wondering...

Suddenly the couple snapped.

Old man: (Steamed) Atma! Get away from our property!

Grady: (Under his breath) What?

Old woman: We don't want to deal with your kind!

Old man: (Picks up a stick from the ground) Get on out of here you little spark-ridden ingrates. (Throws the stick at Grady) Go! Get!

The two gets out the way and walks when they started throwing more things at them.

When they were going around the town to asking questions. Whenever they received nothing but hostility every time they said they were Techxers. Despite the bad remarks from the locals they did get some good information about the mines. Someone said there were west to the center of town. After they got enough info, the two have a conversation.

Grady: (Disgusted) I can't see why these people don't like Techxers.

Emmit: I don't see why not. When Atma was founded most of the original police in Portiis lost their jobs, and moved here to join the police force. This town is so behind the police are not even Atma. Don't see many of those these days.

Grady: (Sarcastic) Really, great.

The techxers head off to the mines. When they got to the entrance they saw a long line of workers going in. before each one went in there were being inspected by a guard at a chain link gate. Emmit stopped walk there and stop Grady by grabbing his arm.

Grady: What?

Emmit: Grady, I've been thinking. If the people 'round don't like Techxers. What makes us think that guy can let us in?

Grady thinks about what Emmit said.

Grady: Well, what do you got in mind? Sneak in?

Emmit (Looks at the miner in line and thinks) Hmm...Something like that.

End Of Chapter...

So if you're writing it as a script do you have any plans to make it into a series or movie?Foolz3h

Originally I had plans to make this into a game, an RPG. I want to learn game design while still in school for Computer Science and Multimedia. I might take as perfession since I wanted to do that since as far back as I can remember, but you never know. I could make this a movie,TV series, book, or even anime.

Let me know what you think, I'll post more if anyone like this.

How the heck is Techxer pronounced? O_O

Foolz3h

Sorry for not getting to this before. Techxer is pronounced "Tech-ser"

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]So if you're writing it as a script do you have any plans to make it into a series or movie?The_Touchable

Let me know what you think, I'll post more if anyone like this.

Definitely, it's a very interesting plot.

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]

How the heck is Techxer pronounced? O_O

The_Touchable

Sorry for not getting to this before. Techxer is pronounced "Tech-ser"

Ah, cool. :)

Chapter 7

6:49 P.M

Aug 17th

Powlz mine entrance

Grady and Emmit got in line wearing miner outfits. Grady got passed the guard ok. When the guard saw Emmit walk up, he got curious.

Guard: Man, is this guy puny or what? All right, you can go.

Emmit sighed silently and walked on in.

From the inside the mines were setup into well-organized tunnels. There were specific spots where certain minerals and metals were mined out.

Emmit finally met up with Grady in the break room.

Grady: So what do we do now?

Emmit: We and see where their getting Echels.

Grady: Then what else?

Emmit hands Grady a mini camera and a picture of an Echel.

Emmit: Take pictures of anything useful. Just don't get caught.

Grady nods and gets into a line going in a tunnels but doesn't know where it's leading.

Grady: (Taps some miner's shoulder) Hey, you know what there mining out here?

Miner: You should know! You work here.

Grady: Well...(Thinks of something to say)...Uh...I kinda new here.

Miner: Well let me tell you something it don't matter where you work as long as your doing just that! WORK! Now buzz off! (Shoves Grady off)

Grady sighs and follows into the tunnel. The farther he went through the tunnel the smaller it gotten and the heavier his bereaving became.

Grady: I don't think I can handle this.

Grady kept trying to find someone to ask but had no luck. His pestering of people throughout the mines had steamed one the guards on patrol.

Guard: (Yelling and pointing to Grady) Hey! What do you think your doing?

Grady: Sorry, I was...

Guard: Get back to work!

Grady was speechless and stared at the guy for a second.

Guard: (Screaming in his face) You heard me! WORK!

Grady felt like slugging the guard in the face but just turned around, grabbed a pickaxe and started chopping where he saw miners chopping.

Grady: What the hell am I doing? I'm a cop, not some old coal miner. Hope that little shrimp havin' better luck than me.

Emmit was having better luck with not provoking anyone. Despite his lack of size he fit in as if he was a real miner. He got real deep in the caves without having any luck in finding Echels. When he asked someone about them. They said they had no idea what he was talking about. While helping some miners he heard and explosion and someone screaming farther down a tunnel. Him and a few other miners went to it. They saw a miner on the ground heavily in soot and the rest of tunnel was caved in.

Emmit and one other miner help him up.

Emmit: What happened here?

Wounded miner: (Half-conscious) The...T...Tunnel ex...plodded...Out of...Nowhere...Others down there. (Passes out)

Miner: Man, what could of started an explosion?

Three guards come to the cave in.

Guard: Let see if we clear this. (Faces other miners including Emmit.) Here, you'll can help.

Every one tries move rocks and rubble out of the way. However most of them were too heavy.

Guard: We can't get them out of here this way and they might run out of air soon.

A few of the miners noticed a small and narrow hole in the bottom side of the wall. Probably made by the explosion.

Miner: (Looks at the hole) Hey, look at this. You think maybe this leads to the other side?

Guard: It might. But who the hell could even fit in there?

Emmit reluctantly stepped up.

Emmit: Maybe I can.

Everybody looked at him. They all knew he was tiny enough.

Guard: You think your up to it buddy?

Emmit: Yeah.

Guard: All right, here. (Hands him a radio) Here take this, if you think you found your way around call me on this.

Emmit: (Nods) All right.

Emmit crawls and squeezes himself into the hole.

End Of Chapter...

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Chapter 8

8:11 P.M

Aug 17th

Narrow tunnel in the mines

Emmit crawled deep into the long tunnel.

Emmit: Man, I can't believe I talked myself into this. I wonder how Grady's doing.

Still crawling for about a minute. Then the ground under him gave way.

Emmit: Ahhhh!

Emmit ended up in a place that incredibly dark. He pulled out his flashlight. Emmit was in an abandoned mine tunnel.

Emmit: Great, now I'm lost. (Takes out his radio) Hello, your not gonna believe this but...Hello?

His radio was busted when he fell.

Emmit: (Sighs) Perfect! (Throws radio on the ground)

Wandering the down the mine shaft that was like a maze and dealing with monsters this deep in the mountains with not much of a problem. He found his way outside up top on a mountain, nowhere around civilization. But he still didn't care. He climbed back to the bottom and hoped that he would find the mines or maybe even the village. While on his way down he heard a chopping sound

Emmit: The heck's that sound? (Follows the sound)

When he made it to the sound. It was someone chopping through the mountain from the outside.

Emmit: Hey!

Whoever it was, he or she finally chopped right through. It was Grady, taking a deep breath of fresh air.

Grady: (Breathing in and out heavily) Oh...Thank God...I thought I was gonna die in there.

Emmit: (Smiles) Grady! I'm glad to see you.

Grady: Hey, what the hell are your doing out here?

Emmit tells him his whole story.

Grady: Oh, I hope you enjoyed it here. While you were out helping those bums, I almost choked to death in that deep-ass tunnel. Good thing nobody saw me.

Emmit: So did you find any Echels?

Grady: Hell no! I've been stuck in here gettin' shoved around by these guards.

Emmit: (Shrugs shoulders) I didn't find and anything either.

Grady: (Throws pickaxe and hard helmet to the ground) This is pathetic! I getting yelled at and I'm all dirty. I wish I never even said yes to this! Let's just get out this village and get the hell home!

Emmit: No wait, I wanna look for those guys there in trouble.

Grady: Screw 'em. There not our problem.

Emmit: C'mon man, I'm not leaving them down there!

Grady: Well that's what they get for being miners.

Emmit had his attention turned down to the valley. It looked like a row of mine carts going into another mine tunnel along with Nexus troops.

Grady: What are you looking at?

Emmit: (Pointing to the valley) Down there! Nexus.

Grady: (Looking down) You sure?

Emmit: It's gotta be. The mines don't go far out here.

Grady nods.

The two went down into the valley. Staying out of sight they saw carts being escorted by Nexus troops.

Grady: It's them all right.

Following inside carefully despite multiple encounters with Nexus troops. The mine was more like a cavern. The techxers got into the core of the cavern. (Note: The core is has a lower and upper deck. Grady and Emmit are on the upper looking down on the lower deck is where the real mining's going on) There, a vast abundance of Echels that was as almost as wide as a city block were mined out.

Grady and Emmit were taking pictures. When Grady leaned too close on the stone ledge. It started to crumble into pieces. The two fell down to the lower deck. They got up to be confronted by five Nexus troops with assault rifles.

Trooper #1: Who are you and what are you doing here?

Emmit: Were...uh...

Trooper #2: (Looking at there attire) There miners!

Emmit: Look, we just got lost in the mines and ended up here.

Trooper #1: Is that so? Well we know what to do with wanderers like you come into our path. (Faces other troopers) You know where to take them.

Two troopers behind Emmit and Grady bump them with there guns. Grady tries to shrug one of them off him.

The trooper rams him in the stomach and forces him to walk. Grady holds on to his stomach slightly.

The techxers were taken further into the cavern. Forced to face a giant machine that looks like it's used for mining (Specifically for grinding and burning minerals. But can be used as a weapon.) A trooper gets into the machine and starts it up. Three others get behind Emmit and Grady.

Trooper in machine: So what do we do with them? Torture them like the others or we just crush 'em and fry 'em?

One of the other troopers: How about we shoot them to death and watch their bodies get fried and grinded.

Grady and Emmit look at each other, charges there sparks pull out there guns and point them at the three troopers behind them.

(Insert fight scene here)

At the end of the battle, the troopers were finished off and the mining machine that's already falling a part into pieces to the ground. The crashing echoed throughout the cavern, shaking it. The cavern didn't stopped shaking and debris was falling down.

Grady: What the?

Emmit: The whole place is coming down!

The two run for the nearest exit.

While scrambling for an exit, there were Nexus troopers on the upper deck shooting down on the techxers. Grady and Emmit made it to the exit that was large tunnel

End Of Chapter...

_______________________________________________

Chapter 9

10:50 P.M

Aug. 17th

Nexus Cavern

Running out of the deathtrap cavern. Trying to get out of dodge. Hiding behind a stack of crates. Coming out of hiding, they heard a voice.

Voice from out of nowhere: Hey!

The techxers stop to see where the voice came from. It was from a wounded miner holding his side and was right at the door. There were three other wounded miners in a large cage, covered in dirt.

Grady and Emmit come to the cage.

Grady: Who are YOU guys?

Wounded miner: We were working in the mines and the tunnel that we were working in collapsed.

Emmit: So you're those guys that were caught in that collapse. How'd you end up out here?

Wounded miner: We were able to get out on own. But ran into these guys in gray uniforms, they looked like soldiers.

Emmit: Don't worry them, we're getting you out of here! (Pulls out hand gun)

Emmit shoots the door lock off and opens the door. The wounded miner helps another miner.

Grady: (Facing the other miners) Can you two walk?

Miners nod.

Grady: Ok, c'mon.

The techxers and miners try to find their way of the cavern before it comes to a full collapse. Eventually, Grady and Emmit did tell they were techxers. (Note: That conversation happens after whatever battles you get into and use their sparks after you rescue them.)

Finally, they smelled the scent of fresh air. They all knew all knew it was an exit. When they got closer they heard a female voice that was high and squeaky.

Female voice: Don't take even one more step!

The voice came from above. Everyone looked up and saw a woman that looked like she was in her mid-20s in a skin-tight uniform in Nexus gray, boots that are separate from the outfit. Long sandy blonde hair done in a high ponytail, sky blue eyes and was wearing a large sweatband on her forehead. She happens to be one of the Nexus Knights named Kara and She's coming down to them with a typical run-of-the-mill sword ready to strike at Grady.

Grady jumps out of the way. He charges his spark and points his gun at her. Emmit does the same and gets right behind the miners.

Emmit: (Looking back at miners) Get back!

Grady: Who the hell are you?

Kara (High sqeaky voice): You know how much damage you caused US? (Stands up and faces the two) Oh, what am I saying? Of course you don't!

Grady: Oh great, another Nexus sideshow.

Kara: (Mad) Humph! (Pulls sword out of ground) Insolate fool! (Runs forward to them)

(Insert fight scene here)

In a cut scene Grady dodges a sword slash from Kara but gets footsweeped to the ground hits his head hard. Emmit dodges borages of sword slashes. When he gets an open shot at her, he aims for her chest. The bullets bounce right off her suit. Emmit was shocked and the Kara was grinning. She lunges at him just only to dodge. He grabs her sword arm with arms and kicks her in the side. It barely fazed her, it's like she didn't even fell it. (Note: The guy has the body of an undersized 11-year old. He can't really put up much of a fight against a highly trained female warrior.) She head butts Emmit to the ground. She sees Grady standing up. She runs up to him for a slash. He rolls out the way and freezes her legs to the ground. She became too busy chopping out of the ice to see that Emmit charging up to her and does bullet drop kick. The force knocks off her the edge of the cliff and falls to the bottom.

Kara: (Screaming) NOOOOOOOOO!

At the end of the cut scene Emmit got off the ground and shook his head. He felt slightly dizzy.

Emmit: Crazy broad had a hard head.

The cavern began to shake even more and the exit collapsed.

Everyone walks down the mountain and heads back to town. Little that the techxers and miners know, that Kara is hanging on to the cavern wall with her sword. Her legs are still frozen together.

Kara: (Grunting) Ahhh! I cannot believe this. I'm one of the Nexus knights, I refused to be humiliated like this!

Kara kicks the cavern wall to shatters the ice. She put hostlers her sword climbs up the to the top.

Wounded miner: So what are you guys gonna do when you go back to Portiis?

Emmit: (Holds and looks at his camera.) Well send these photo to our precincts and it might shed some light on what these Nexus guys our doing.

Grady: Guess we have explain everything when we get back the to your village.

Wounded miner: Nah, you don't have to do all that. The mines are closed by now. We'll just say you found us and we got out on there own. I'm sure they won't even remember your faces. The guards are strict but they aren't that bright. And place is so big and so many miners nobody really knows everybody around here.

Grady, Emmit and the miners made it back to the car.

Emmit: Are you sure you guys gonna be ok?

Wounded miner: We can get to the hospital on our own from here.

Emmit: All right we'll see you around whenever we come around here.

Wounded miner: Sure thing, you too.

Emmit and the miners wave off to one another. Grady ignores them and gets in the car.

The techxers drive off back to Portiis.

End Of Chapter...

BTW, an old high school teacher of mine loved Kara, she thought she was funny!

Yes, this is late, I know.

The story = GOOD

The style = BAD

I just can't stand the style of writing used for this piece. It doesn't have to be a narrative, but this draft-like structure is just lazy imo. The story is good and engaging, but it suffers from how it's being written. :(

The thing is, I used to write Metal Shadow in this exact same style a couple years back, so I'm sure I know what you are trying to do. I say just put forth some effort and write it out in more detail. (insert fight here) is super-annoying! O_O

I know this post is late as well but since I have a lot of time on my hands and more dedicated in improving this work. I'm turning this story into a narrative form. It might take a while but I'll be worth it. The_Touchable

Wow, I thought you forgot about this thing. :P Work on it, man! It may not start out brilliantly, but I guarantee you with some help, this can be quite an engaging read. ;) If you need help with fight scenes or anything, I'm your guy!

I think it would make an excellent RPG.

Anyways, one thing I though about when reading the original post, which I think is chemically incorrect: I don't think you can make ice stronger than steel by making it cold. You can't make anything colder than -273 degrees celsius (and at that temperature, even iron will break if you so much as tap it with your finger). Since it is fantasy, of course you can say they can make ice harder than steel, but using low temperature as the reason seems wrong. At normal temperature, iron is 1500 degrees celsius below its melting point. You can't get water that far below its melting point.

help, this can be quite an engaging read. ;) If you need help with fight scenes or anything, I'm your guy!

iloveflash

Thanks Flash, you're a life saver. The only reason why I put "(Insert Fight Scene Here)"was becuase it slowed me down when writing the story trying to put every detail into a fight. I'm still trying put to put together the fight with Grady and tall guy in my head. Not trying to get personal but can I get your contact info flash?

I think it would make an excellent RPG.

Anyways, one thing I though about when reading the original post, which I think is chemically incorrect: I don't think you can make ice stronger than steel by making it cold. You can't make anything colder than -273 degrees celsius (and at that temperature, even iron will break if you so much as tap it with your finger). Since it is fantasy, of course you can say they can make ice harder than steel, but using low temperature as the reason seems wrong. At normal temperature, iron is 1500 degrees celsius below its melting point. You can't get water that far below its melting point.

waZelda

I understand what you mean. I wasn't thinking about what was scientifically or physically possible. I was still in high school and just learning about chemistry when I wrote that chapter. Though the sparks the techxers use were meant to be a hybrid of magic and science.

Not trying to get personal but can I get your contact info flash?

The_Touchable

*Reaches into breast pocket.* Sure, here's my card. 8) Business hours are 9:30 AM - 3:00 PM.

I'm tracking you, so if you want to PM me you can select my name from the drop-down list. Lookin' forward to passing on some wisdom!

I have the first two chapters done in narration format if anyone want read it. Here you go. 

______________________

Chapter 1

Aug. 15th

9:15 A.M

Portiis

The scene starts out in a clear, sunny and beautiful morning, in a crowded marketplace of the semi-back water town of Portiis.

Walking though the busy street is a boy about 17 years old with a slightly pale compilation with a thin but normal build, sandy blond hair with traces of brown and solid blue eyes wearing a black leather jacket, long white t-shirt, regular black jeans (not baggy) and plain all white sneakers.

He accidentally knocks down a little girl who was playing with a ball. She was about to cry. The boy sighs, picks up the ball and gives it to the girl.

"Here kid, Get up!" He told her.

The girl gets up and wipes her tears. A woman comes to her and picks her up. She looks at the boy with disgust.

 She yelled at the boy, "Don't talk to my daughter like that!"

"Look lady, I'm not good with kids" He replied.

The mother was upset even more and just walks away. Finally the boy gets out of the gets out of the marketplace.

"Ok, that boarding school shouldn't be too far. Just gotta keep going northeast."The boy thought to himself.

He continues on his trail until a gang of five ends up in front of him. The leader in the middle walks up to him.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't officer Grady."  He teases Grady.

Grady sighs uneasy and says,"I don't want to deal with you guys."

"What are you going to do? Arrest us?"

The rest of his gang laughs.

Grady cringes his teeth."Look, get out of my way!"

"Ohhh! We're so scared." Another member said jokingly.

"I said get out of my way!" Grady yelled with his voice louder.

With the glow of bright blue light glow from his eyes as he charges his ice spark. Grady stretched his hand outward. Freezing the gang of five from the waist down so they won't be able to do anything, let alone say anything. The ice was so cold they could barely talk. Grady walks past them as if they didn't matter.

"Jackasses." He says to himself and continues on the boarding school.

Grady finally makes it to his destination. He is in one of the rich neighborhoods in Portiis, A gigantic boarding school surrounded by a tall white stone gate. Grady himself couldn't believe it. He pulled out his police radio from his pocket and turns it on.

"This is Grady Anderson." He spoke clearly over his radio. "Right in front of the boarding school, on Burbon St. I'm the first one here, over."

"Hear ya loud and clear Anderson." His commissioner on the other line said" Stay put till the whole pack arrives."

"Sure, Grady out." Grady turns off his radio.

Grady kneeled against the wall with his arms folded. He waited for ten minutes and nobody else came. He sighed and turned his attention to the front of the boarding school. He saw looking through a window dozens of children walking single file out into what looks like the courtyard from his view. They were escorted by what looks like armed guards. He had a gut feeling something was going to happen. He pulls out his radio.

"Anderson here. Something's happening, I'm going in." He tells his CO.

"No Anderson! Wait for back up! Don't go in there yet!" The commissioner ordered Grady.

Grady was too focused on what he saw to see his radio. "Too late, I'm gone."

"I said wait for backup! Are you listening to-" Grady turns off his radio.

He charges his ice spark and pulls out his handgun. He turns the gate into ice and shatters it with a single gunshot. When he gets to the front door he shoots at the knob a few times and kicks the door open.

___________________

Chapter 2 

Aug 15th

9:45 AM

Burbon St. Boarding school

When Grady came into the school he saw soldiers dressed in odd gray uniforms. (Note: They're like gray uniforms that you might see mechanics wear.) These soldiers are Nexus and there shocked out of their minds to see the Grady.

"Who the hell is that?" One of the troopers spat.

"It's a Techxer" One of the troopers replied.

Grady sees he's surrounded and everyone has an assault rifle. Knowing they're about to shoot, he covers himself with an ice shield.

 One of the troopers yelled out. "Kill him!"

All the Troopers start firing at him crazy until everyone's out of ammo. Grady cracks and shatters the glass. Shards come at the troops, finishing them off.

Grady runs down a hall, trying to find his way to the courtyard. He then hears sounds from the children that they are in need of help. He goes to the direction where it's coming from. When he finds the sound it's behind a door. He forces the door open and sees a couple of small frightened children inside.

One child was screaming, the other backed away from the door screaming at Grady." Please don't hurt us!"

"Hey take it easy kid, I'm a techxer." Grady calms the kid down.

"You mean you're here to save us?" The child responded

"Yeah."

"There are other kids being brainwashed around here." The other child tells Grady.

"Where?" Grady responds.

"I'm not really sure. I heard there is other in other rooms."

"Alright. Thanks kid, I want you all to stay here! There's gonna be a whole lotta crazy stuff around here and I don't want any of you gettin' hurt on me!"

After going around the boarding school, looking for clues about what's really going on here. Finally, Grady was able to get into the courtyard. There are dozens of children looking forward at him with pale white eyes standing in a few horizontal lines. With two women both with dark purple hair in Nexus-****robes, four heavily armed troops and one muscled out man standing in the middle. The soldier in the middle is over seven feet tall, long charcoal black hair, gray eyes, wearing a white tank top, his pants and boots were all Nexus issue. Grady pulls out his handgun at the tall guy who he guesses is the leader.

"HOLD IT!" Grady yells out.

Everyone except the two women and children turns to face Grady.

"So this is our intruder. Just a single techxer caused all this trouble?" Tall guy says with a lot of arrogance.

Grady looks at the troopers and sees what they're armed with.

"'What the hell did I get myself into?' All of you are under arrest for kidnapping." He orders them.

The tall guy laughed. "Just as I figured from you. Thinking of this as 'kidnapping' but is merely setting these poor young children free. "

Grady's now confused. "W…What, 'setting them free'?"

"It's hard for a closed-minded child like yourself to understand."

"Who's he callin' close-minded?"

The tall guy turns to the two women and orders them. "Send them off!"

The two women bow their heads slightly and use a teleportation spell on themselves and children. This shocked Grady.

"Where'd they go!?" He asked the tall guy.

"Oh, wouldn't you like to know." He tells Grady while pulling out two whips he has holstered on his belt.

"Punish him!" He orders his men.

The troops get ready to fight.

Grady charges his Ice spark.

The troops open fire on Grady but he deflects the gunfire with his ice shield. He shattered the shards at the enemy. The tall guy manages to duck and cover behind his own troops. The troops themselves cover their faces from the shards. The shards that hit them are absorbed by their armor.

After Grady's attempted onslaught the troops open fire on them. Grady jumps behind a four foot wall of bushes and disappear from the troops' sight. They and the tall guy look around for Grady.

"He's hiding, split up and looks for him!" The tall guy orders his troops. They split up into two groups of two. One group scanned the left of the courtyard. The tall guy joined the group that scans right side.

On the left side, the troops look for Grady in the bushes. Grady jumps out of the trees and freezes one of troops' rifles. Grady points his pistol under the troop's chin and pulls the trigger.

The other troop turns around. Not before Grady opens on him, unloading his whole clip. Grady's last shot hits him in both legs where there was no armor. The trooper manages to open fire at Grady. Grady puts up an ice shield. Grady throws a mini ice spear at the trooper's neck, finishing him off.

 "I hear him over here." One trooper from the other side said. Grady heard them, knowing they're coming for him he goes around to their side to try to flank them. Suddenly gets hit in the back of head by the butt of one of the troopers' rifle.

Grady falls on his stomach but quickly rolls on his back. Before the trooper that hit can open fire Grady trips him off his feet falling face down. The trooper gets on one knee and Grady gives him a freezing punch right in the jaw.

With that punch a gust of freezing cold air is blown in his lungs. The solider holds his neck, gasping for air for he doesn't know that the air is freezing his lungs and his entire repertory system solid causing him to suffocate. Under a minute he turns blue and dies.

While that was happening, Grady fires at the last troop in his trigger firing hand which is his right. The trooper tried to get out his sidearm on his right side but two shots in the throat, doing him in.

Suddenly a whip is wrapped around Grady's waist and is pull backwards. A huge knee is driven into his back by the Tall Guy. Grady falls flat on his face, quickly he rolls on his back and open fires with the last of his rounds.

The tall guy moves slightly to dodge and whips Grady's right hand knocking the gun out of his grip. The tall guy wraps his other whip around Grady's waste and tosses him into the air throwing him into a small stone statue.

Grady quickly gets up, ignoring the pain and does Winter Breeze, an attack that slowly freezes an aggressor, on both of the tall guy's arms covering them with ice. But the tall guy shatters the ice by muscling out it.

Grady runs at him. The tall guy whips at him. Grady dodges by jumping in the air. Grady forms and an ice spear and try to stab the tall guy. The tall guy dodges but the spear cuts the side of his left cheek. The tall guy lashes Grady on the chest, ripping his t-shirt and knocking him down to the ground. The tall guy stomps on his chest knocking the wind out of him, pinning him down with his foot. He looks down at Grady smiling.

"Fighting you is like fighting a blind person." He told Grady.

The sound of a shotgun cocking is heard out of nowhere. The tall guy was knocked down to ground by a net knocking him out. Grady slowly gets up. He sees that the tall guy's KO'd.

He turns to where the net came from. It was from a small Hispanic boy that looked too young to be a techxer. He was carrying the shotgun. He has dark brown hair and brown eyes, wearing a gray t-shirt, black shorts and black boots. He blows the smoke from the shotgun barrel.

"Man, they were right. These net rounds worked like a charm." The boy spoke wish a hardly noticeable Spanish accent. He faces Grady. "Hey! You ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine." Grady replies, he sqints at the boy. "Are..You?"

"I know what you're gonna say. Yeah, I'm a techxer." He responded. "So you're the guy that came busting into the school, solo?"

Grady nods favoring his back the wound on his chest.

"You look hurt." Said the boy.

"Ahh, it's nothing." Grady shakes his head and walks out of the courtyard and the boy following him out.

"You should get that looked at. Hey my name's Emmit!" The boy extends his hand for a shake to Grady.

______________________

Chapter 3

Aug 15th

Outside the boarding school

10:13 A.M.

Grady sat on the hood of a car with jacket and shirt off and A paramedic treating his wounds.

"Anderson!"  A voice from a distance called out his name. It was the same voice on the police radio.

Grady turns to the voice. It came from a veteran techxer with the appearance of eighteen years old but was really in his late forties. He was walking with a limp and cane. He is wearing Dark brown hair, with a beard, blue plaid shirt, khaki pants and brown dress shoes. His name is Shane Mortz and he was coming to Grady.

"Anderson! You hardheaded S.O.B! What part of 'Wait for backup' don't you understand?".  Mortz blasted Grady

"Look Commissioner," Grady tried to reason with him. "I saw something weird, thought it was big…"

"Thought it was big? You just burst in there, raisin' hell all over the place. Thank God none of those kids got hurt."

This frustrated Grady. "Can you let me finish?"

"No! I'm not gonna let you finish. Why the hell should I? When I give you an order to follow and you don't have enough goddamn sense to follow it!"

Mortz cracks his voice and coughs.

"Dammit, I'll talk to you later; I'm already losing my voice because of you!" 

He walks off but turns back one second later.  

"You know what! Don't even come back to the station. I'm relieving your ass for today."

"Damn" Grady curses under his breath. The paramedic finishes up with Grady

"Ok man, you're ready to go." The paramedic told Grady.

"Thanks." He replied.

The paramedic leaves and Grady is about to put his t-shirt back on until he sees the hole in it left by the tall guy's whip. He sighs in disgust.

"He was pissed, Wasn't he" Emmit said to Grady from behind him.

Grady turns around to face Emmit. He was surprised to him there.

"Oh, it's you. Yeah, he was." Grady replied, Puts on his messed up t-shirt and jacket.

"They already took that big dude you fought down to the nearest station. Guess he's being interrogated right now." He told Grady.

"That's nice."

Grady acted like he was listening to Emmit but really wasn't. He gets ready to walk off.

"Where you going?" Emmit asked.

"Home, my Commissioner gave me the slip for today."  Grady replied.

"Ok, sure. C'ya."

"Yeah, you too."

Grady walks off home. 

The way it is right now, it is not that big of an improvement that you switch styIes. There are five main problems with your writing. A) At least in the beginning, you are not consistant as to what time you are writing in - past or present. B) Many short sentences, little use of conjunctions. C) Little variation in sentence structure. Almost all of them starts with a person. D) You should vary your wording more, and try to make them more aestetically enjoyable. It feels like you are informing us about what is happening instead of telling us about it, if you understand what I mean. E) Too few descriptions. God is in the details, so work on it.

The way it is right now, it is not that big of an improvement that you switch styIes. There are five main problems with your writing. A) At least in the beginning, you are not consistant as to what time you are writing in - past or present. B) Many short sentences, little use of conjunctions. C) Little variation in sentence structure. Almost all of them starts with a person. D) You should vary your wording more, and try to make them more aestetically enjoyable. It feels like you are informing us about what is happening instead of telling us about it, if you understand what I mean. E) Too few descriptions. God is in the details, so work on it.

waZelda

I'll work on it right now. Thanks for the critique. One person said it sounded something right out of a textbook. 

The scene starts out in a clear, sunny and beautiful morning, in a crowded marketplace of the semi-back waterThe_Touchable

Wearing a black leather jacket, long white t-shirt, regular black jeans (not baggy) and plain all white sneakers. The_Touchable

Boy: (Sigh and thinks) Ok, that boarding school shouldn't be to far. Just gotta keep going northeast.The_Touchable

The boy goes on his trialThe_Touchable

Grady finally makes it to his destination. In one of the rich neighborhoods in Portiis, A gigantic boarding school surrounded by a tall white stone gate. The_Touchable

You need to restructure this sentence. I suggest this as a replacement:

Grady finally makes it to his destination - a gigantic boarding school surrounded by a tall white stone gate, located in one of the rich neighborhoods in Portiis.Me

He pulled out his police radio from his pocket and turns it on.The_Touchable

Tense disagreement.

All the Troopers start firing at him crazy until everyone's out of ammo. The_Touchable

Crazily.

When he finds the sound it's behind a door. He forces the door open and sees a few small frightened children inside.The_Touchable

You find the source of a sound, not a sound itself.

After going around the boarding school, looking for clues about what's really going on here. Finally, Grady was able to get into the courtyard. (Note: At first, Grady couldn't get to here.) The_Touchable

Again, awkward and grammatically incorrect structure, plus tense disagreement.

Try this:

Finally, Grady was able to get into the courtyard - after going around the boarding school, looking for clues about what was really going on here. (Note: At first, Grady couldn't get to here.)Me

Throwing him into a small stone statue.The_Touchable

Fragment.

The tall guy stomps on his chest knocking the wind out of him, pinning him down with his foot. He looks down at Grady_ smiling.The_Touchable

Add a comma to the underlined bit.

Grady turns to the voice. It came from a veteran techxer with the appearance of eighteen years old but ___ was really in his late forties. The_Touchable

Add "who" to the underlined bit.

Grady acted like he was listening to Emmit but __ really wasn't. The_Touchable

Add "he" to the underlined bit".

  He gets ready to walk off.The_Touchable

Begins. 

Well, so far, here are my main problems with the writing.:

1. Agreement of tenses - There are some paragraphs in there that look like they don't know whether they're talking about the past or the present. Makes me feel like the narration's being done by somebody who's senile - no offence.

2. Sentence Complexity - From what I can see, you have a huge amount of one-line paragraphs with relatively narrow vocabulary content and several 3+ line paragraphs with too much repetition. There's one in the last 2/5s of your story that repeats "tall guy" like a half dozen times. When you lengthen your sentences with elaboration and description, you give yourself more opportunity to express your linguistic skill, and it's best that you do exploit that. Keep in mind that making things longer is only a good thing if you do it to make the writing more interesting - just adding meat for the sake of doing so has the opposite effect, as in, it makes it a lot more tedious to read and thus boring. Having several different ways to portray something will keep the reader on edge, but also make sure you don't overdo it - that makes it confusing.

3. Clarity - This may be somewhat related to the previous paragraph, but I'm having a hard time keeping a clear image of your story in my mind. It could be because I've got a small headache to distract me or because I'm not reading at full intensity right now (ala tired) so this may not actually be an issue on your end.

Now, you've probably ironed out some issues with your narrative format, but I'm working my way from old to new here. That is, I'll be reading through your scripts from 1-9 and then I'll get to work on your narrative CHP1/2/3. So this advice may be good if you want to keep it a script, but if I were you I'd keep it a narrative.

Also, have you tried Google Docs? Its rather easier to keep track of your Chapters when you post it there.