Kill.Switch: Please give comments.

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ATMAJ

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#1 ATMAJ
Member since 2005 • 174 Posts

"Say my name" he was there again, in his house, their house. The house that didnt seem to be real when he was walking throught it, towards his balcony. He had heard a chopper approaching in the distance and wanted to see what is was doing so close to his house, seeing it was all the way up on a hill overlooking the town it was odd for even a leisure helicopter to come over here. When he heard it kept coming closer and closer he started to worry, maybe this wasnt just a helicopter? But he didnt have time to think, the helicopter suddenly flew up right in front of him, inches away from the balcony. To his regret, it looked army. The aircraft sped up and flew to his roof, wich was made of glass, and shined its light right on him. "it's hostile" was the only thought he could think when 1 man dropped through the glass and landed to his left. in a split second he figured it out: he was being attack, and the switch was flipped.

the man to his left tried to raise his gun at him, he blocked it, making the man fire into the ceiling. Using his left hand to grab the enemy gun and the other to punch his nose in he neutrelized him. then 2 more men landed through the roof, he turned around to his previous right and kicked the man running up to him in the chest, crushing his ribs and his heart. then using his momentum from the spin he aimed at the man coming from the balcony and shot a burst out of his rifle at point blank range. when the man fell he saw the chopper had came back to the balcony, what he also saw was a Vulcan gattling gun taking aim.

he turned around and ran to the doorway of the room, the vulcan bagan to fire, he jumped and turned around in mid air aiming at the chopper. He rolled and  landed with his back to the wall under a hail of bullets and plaster from his walls. he ducked and crawled away from the fire and shook off the dizzyness that came with the smack to the wall. Then a man entered a door to his back, he didnt see the man, but he heard him and that was enough, he rolled over throwing his gun towards the mans head, landing somewhere on his face knocking him out. A split seccond after the man went down two more came through a door above him and started to fire.

He got up, ran up 5 steps of a a U-shaped staircase, took a right turn and slammed himself to the wall in a standing posistion. he crouched to dodge the incoming fire and was rewarded by a man jumping throug a window right in front of him. running up the last five he came up below the mans gun and grabbed it at both ends, he pushed him back towards the 2 men that had now stoped fireing and he struggeld to get the gun out of his hands. then in one quick move he threw the man over the railing to his right, the man releasing the grip on the gun. the two men started fireing again. He turned around his axis, stepping to the wall on his left, when he saw the 2 men again, he continued his turn, he aimed his gun and took 2 shots resulting in 2 kills.

He heard the chopper on his left ouside of the window. Stabilising his feet on the edge of the huge window the man had come through he aimed the guns underslung m203 grenade launcher. the chopper wanted to maneuver the vulcan on its right side towards the window but that just gave him an opening. he pulled the trigger and the grenade flew into the interior of the aircraft and exploded. He turned around, grabbed the railing and threw himself over it back to the first floor, landing on his feet he ran into the room and slowed down to a walk as he saw the chopper flying above the ceiling rocking left and right. during one sway to the right the vulcan gunner fell out and crashed through the glass ceiling, smoking out of every opening the chopper passed over the roof and fell down just in front of the balcony, crashing somewhere on the hill.

He relaxed, seeing no more enemys alive, the strange thing about them was they where all stuck in their a pose of their death as somebody would that had been frozen in his movement at the moment he died. he thought he was done and started to think about the reason he had come home so fast he hadnt even taken off his combat fatigues.

"where is my wife?"

then he heard a terrifying scream:

"NICK!"

-------------------------------------------------------

This is just the beginning of course, the appitiser so i dont start with a "once upon a time""like thing.

and for those who have played the game: no im not starting in the game, ill clear that out in du time. i hope you enjoyed it and please give your feedback.

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ATMAJ

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#2 ATMAJ
Member since 2005 • 174 Posts

Bring

Up

My

Post

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irmeleeman5995

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#3 irmeleeman5995
Member since 2005 • 2484 Posts
Ok, it was actually cool. I enjoyed it, and I've never played the game. You gave some interesting detail about certain points such as "plaster from his walls" when he was being shot. That's a detail that's very small, but helped the reader visualize the picture that much more, so good work. However, next time you might wanna spell check it. Also, watch your capitalization of sentences and punctuation. I'm not entirely picky on a little mistake here and there, but that was pushing it. Also, as much as we know you wanna bump up your post, these boards don't get that much activity and it shouldn't need to be done. However, if your story does go unnoticed after a day or two, PM Sparky and he'll make sure it gets read ;)
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ATMAJ

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#4 ATMAJ
Member since 2005 • 174 Posts

ah yess thanks for that. yeah about the captions: i wrote it on my laptop and i still need to install word on that. currently i am using wordpad and it doest add Captions at the beginning of scentences. also englisch is not my birth language so sometimes i might spell some words wrong but you are right i will spell check it better next time, also : yeah im used to bumping sometimes so ill stop that from now on :D

thanx for all the help,

Max

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irmeleeman5995

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#5 irmeleeman5995
Member since 2005 • 2484 Posts
Wow, no Word? That's unfortunate. And English isn't your native tongue? I have that much more appreciation for how good the story was now.
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Rintaran

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#6 Rintaran
Member since 2007 • 195 Posts
Not too bad. For an opening scene it definitely has an appeal to it, though you'll want to embellish your descriptions a little further. I still have no idea what your main character looks like beyond army fatigues. The combat scenes could also use more description, and some embellishments for epic actions. This opening leaves enough hidden that you want to continue to read the story. I would recommend using the words instead of numbers, but that's just a preference. Other than that, this portion is pretty good (aside from editing from grammar and spelling, but that doesn't come until after you're satisfied with any revisions). If I were to guess, this would be the opening prologue, and it would end right at the dangling yell for Nick. The first "chapter" of the fan-fic would likely go into the background, what happened before he rushed home, and work from there. Eventually this prologue would be re-used in a future chapter, and then it would continue through to the final resolution. That'd be my guess, but I'm not familiar with Kill.Switch either. Keep writing.
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irmeleeman5995

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#7 irmeleeman5995
Member since 2005 • 2484 Posts
[QUOTE="Rintaran"]Not too bad. For an opening scene it definitely has an appeal to it, though you'll want to embellish your descriptions a little further. I still have no idea what your main character looks like beyond army fatigues. The combat scenes could also use more description, and some embellishments for epic actions. This opening leaves enough hidden that you want to continue to read the story. I would recommend using the words instead of numbers, but that's just a preference. Other than that, this portion is pretty good (aside from editing from grammar and spelling, but that doesn't come until after you're satisfied with any revisions). If I were to guess, this would be the opening prologue, and it would end right at the dangling yell for Nick. The first "chapter" of the fan-fic would likely go into the background, what happened before he rushed home, and work from there. Eventually this prologue would be re-used in a future chapter, and then it would continue through to the final resolution. That'd be my guess, but I'm not familiar with Kill.Switch either. Keep writing.

About the timeline: Yeah that's what I was thinking too. Come back to it after working your way up.
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ATMAJ

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#8 ATMAJ
Member since 2005 • 174 Posts

[QUOTE="Rintaran"]Not too bad. For an opening scene it definitely has an appeal to it, though you'll want to embellish your descriptions a little further. I still have no idea what your main character looks like beyond army fatigues. The combat scenes could also use more description, and some embellishments for epic actions. This opening leaves enough hidden that you want to continue to read the story. I would recommend using the words instead of numbers, but that's just a preference. Other than that, this portion is pretty good (aside from editing from grammar and spelling, but that doesn't come until after you're satisfied with any revisions). If I were to guess, this would be the opening prologue, and it would end right at the dangling yell for Nick. The first "chapter" of the fan-fic would likely go into the background, what happened before he rushed home, and work from there. Eventually this prologue would be re-used in a future chapter, and then it would continue through to the final resolution. That'd be my guess, but I'm not familiar with Kill.Switch either. Keep writing. irmeleeman5995
About the timeline: Yeah that's what I was thinking too. Come back to it after working your way up.

funny thing is you guys allmost guessed it, im at school at the moment and have allot of work cut out form me. but indeed i was gonna take a path as you guys suggested, and yeah indeed ill make sure ill describe the guy ill also see if i can find the video of the scene that i wrote down. this scene ties in with the story and you can judge how good i described it.

thanx for the help,

max

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Sparky-05

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#9 Sparky-05
Member since 2006 • 2015 Posts
The story itself is really good, but what you need to do is work on your grammar and punctuation. I know how much you want to improve your writing, and really it starts there. It doesn't matter how good your story is, if you cannot tell it properly. Remember to capitalize words at the beggining of sentences. Also, remember to end once sentence and start another whenever you change thought. Those a just a few things, perhaps you should read it over and edit it from there. Like I said, the story is grand, but your telling of the story is lacking. Work on that and your writing will be 10x better.

Oh ya, I may have come across really harsh, but I mean it all in the spirit of helping you improve your writing. Don't get discouraged about anything, like I've said a few times already, its a solid start, but like everything in the world, it can be improved.

Keep Writing.