The Lazarus Project (Parts updated regularly)

This is a new project of mine. I hope you enjoy it. I will post in this thread when a new Part is released. The newest parts will be at the bottom.

Enjoy!

• Part 1: A Face Found
• Part 2: Beyond Death
• Part 3: Ultimatum

Nice! I love it. There is one problem though. When you describe the Acropolis you momentarily slip into third person. Just edit the tenses until it is back in Patrick's person.

Other than that, I loved it. At the start I didn't really like it, but then I really got in to it. :D 8/10.

"Without you the Lazarus Project would be doomed"

A little too dramatic

"This project should have never been commissioned. Tampering with human life is something that we shouldn't have to do." 

A cliched subject in stories and movies

The Man stopped and looked at John. A cold smile floated across his lips, then, the room went black.

Cool! That adds well to the tense atmosphere.

Great writing man

 I really enjoyed that piece, but I do have one complaint. You build up this 'futuristic' world where computers assist you with your morning hygene and talk to you. Then you say something like this ...

filled elevator, and pressed the button for floor 369. Patrick was glad he was tall. He got claustrophobic extremely easy and hated riding up an elevator for 20 minutes.honkyjoe

.. and pressed the button for floor 369. Patrick was tall, but still got claustrophobic easily and hated being cramped in elevators. But he could bear the few minutes in an elevator.

Now that isn't perfect, not anywhere as good as you wrote, but I hope you get my point.

Overall, the entire piece was good to read and I look forward to the next part :)

Interesting start. I like the title. Though I didn't read very carefully, I found one typo.

"Patrick new that something was wrong."

Knew.

Nice! I love it. There is one problem though. When you describe the Acropolis you momentarily slip into third person. Just edit the tenses until it is back in Patrick's person.

KOTORkicker

I don't think that's a problem. Patrick's person is third person as well.

Hmm, when it started I thought that it would be a story involving the technological singularity. It may still be, as a matter of fact...

Anyway, I'm not a deep critiquer so I'll just say that I think it's going well so far, so keep it up :P

btw there are no mispellings in this post. Neologisms make them impossible, so HA.

New Part Guys, Beyond Death.

I hope you all like it.:D

"Nigel sighed."

Did he? After what I've read so far, that seems out of character. Before and after that point he seemes totally cold. Why would he show emotion? I don't expect him to not have emotion, but I wouldn't think he would let anyone see it, especially not someone that show no emotion themselves.

Except from that microscopic issue - awesome.

"Nigel sighed."

Did he? After what I've read so far, that seems out of character. Before and after that point he seemes totally cold. Why would he show emotion? I don't expect him to not have emotion, but I wouldn't think he would let anyone see it, especially not someone that show no emotion themselves.

Except from that microscopic issue - awesome.

waZelda

I meant to put the words "In disgust" after:P Ill edit it right now.

Finally! You've come posted the update.

Really good man. It's fast and intense, the way I like it. The Nigel character reminds of Terminator

Part 3 is up. I really like this one. The final paragraphs really setup for what is about to come:o

"Patrick walked briskly out of the train. He had slept for nearly four hours, enough to clear his head and start thinking fresh."

That sounds weird.

"A massive screen filled nearly half of the gigantic roof displaying the weather and reminding the citizens of their daily duties to fulfill. Patrick began to walk into a large tunnel. Then he walked past the oxygen garden and through a large airlock into the Sentinel Chambers."

Reminded, or served as a reminder.

Anyway, so, the guy won't ever get laid again?

Right. I've only read Part 1, so don't mind me if you already know this. I've got a few suggestions, though.

Usually, when dialogue is written in English, there are open quotation marks, the sentence, a punctuation mark at the end of the sentence, and then closed quotation marks.  Ex:

iloveflash said, "I'm going to have dinner!" and disappeared through the curtains into the kitchen.helios_rietberg

"Good morning Mr. Scott, it is March 3rd, 2058" came the voice out of his mirror.honkyjoe

…there is no punctuation before the closed quotation mark. I don't know about everybody else, but when I read it I would tend to read the dialogue along with the whole sentence, without pausing, if there is no punctuation mark. I would simply read it out loud as "Good morning Mr. Scott, it is March 3rd, 2058 came the voice out of his mirror". However, the sentences are separate, so to avoid confusion there should be a punctuation mark before the closed quotation mark.

This is good:

"Have a wonderful day sir," came the jovial response.honkyjoe

Some other things:

"You look like you have a fever sir" said Gladis's in her affectionate artificial voice.honkyjoe

Typo. Should be "Gladis" instead of "Gladis's", because you're talking directly about her and not about anything under her possession.

Also, you repeat "Patrick" a bit too often. Try to rephrase the sentence so that you don't have to start with a pronoun each time. Ex:

Patrick got out of the elevator after an unusually antagonizing ride and walked past the front receptionist into the lab technician area.honkyjoe

If you want to get rid of the pronoun at the front of the sentence each time, just rearrange the sentence to something like "After an unusually antagonising ride, Patrick got out of the elevator and walked past the front receptionist into the lab technician area." That way, you don't have to keep repeating the same word in the same place; it becomes more engaging, instead of the reader reading the same thing over and over again.

The man put his hands together vigorously and smiled thinly.honkyjoe

This means that the man is clapping his hands vigorously. Are you sure you want to say that? My impression is that you're trying to say that he is rubbing his hands together vigorously, but if clapping his hands was the effect you were looking for, then just ignore me.

The arm with the laser lowered down and began to cut a small incision on the back of The Subjects head.honkyjoe

Typo. "The subject's" instead of "the subjects".

Patrick new that something was wrong.honkyjoe

Typo. "Knew" in place of "new".

That's the gist of it. There are a couple of typos and grammatical errors here and there, but otherwise the story is pretty engaging. I've always liked science-fiction… this sounds intriguing. I'll read the rest as soon as I get the chance. Keep it up!