"You would do well to think on the positive side!" speaks an unfamiliar monkey with a cartoonish, African accent...Ok, this isn't going to fly. Well, unless you're intentionally trying to be a bigot and a racist.
I jump up, and amidst the joyful feelings, attempt to dance with a broken leg. I promptly land on my face. "Oh, yeah. My leg If you have a broken, and untreated, leg, you're not going to forget about it and try to dance.
"Spin? Are you crazy?! I have an ill leg I don't like "ill" as a description. It just doesn't work. His leg isn't sick...it's broken.
I use stealth Stealth isn't something someone uses, it's something someone does. This is like saying, I used jumping to leap across the room.
I come across a unfamilar door an unfamiliar door
exactly like thermal vision What exactly is thermal vision? Infrared? This is a perfect time to describe what he's seeing.
and a ferociously injured man I like this. Good word choice.
Overall, this is pretty decent. The first thing you'll want to fix is the paragraphs, like BLaverock said, because right now your dialogue is impossible to follow.
Other than that you really have to change the monkey bit. I'm not saying you can't have a racist character, but with the way it's written now, it makes YOU look like the racist.
Regardless, with a few fixes here and there your writing is strong. Keep up the good work.
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