Hahahahahahahaha
I had hoped that this would be something along the lines of Disney's 'Hercules' for the PS1. That was a classic 2D side scrolling platformer, a worthy tie-in if ever I saw one. Unfortunately, the title is all the laughable mishap 'Heracles: Battle with the Gods' has in common with that PS1 game.
Hercules: BWTG is possibly the worst 'platformer' I have ever had the misfortune of attempting to play, and certainly the worst on the DS. From the very title screen, everything about BWTG screams 'DODGY!' Oh yes. The visuals look as though they've been drawn by underprivileged 5 year olds in third world countries in exchange for a meal. Even having taken that sad scenario into the equation, the developers have been ripped off.
Of course, not nearly as ripped off as you will feel once you've begun the first stage. Because these visuals that make Archie comic strips look like Rembrandts are accompanied by gameplay that's about as fun as doing your tax return while sitting naked on a cactus. And guess what, in Heracles you don't move across the screen. All logic has been cruelly discarded here folks. You move UP. Like Bubble Bobble in Reverse, minus the fun. You jump from cloud to badly drawn cloud, hoping that the awful collision detection won't mean that you bump into some enemy that looks like the lovechild of an injured bird, a crack addict and some kind of wheelchair. I think.
I thought this was bad enough to laugh at, but the true payout was the first boss. My god. The worst boss battle in history involved me dodging arrows (again, I think) dropped by some kind of cupid-horse-flyingturd-dodgy-mcdodge that I could have drawn better whilst drunk, hanging upside down in a dark room with both hands tied and a pencil inserted in my rectum. The same goes for all the backgrounds.
So why a generous score of '2', you ask (as opposed to, say, minus 13)? Well, this thing made me laugh. Not many games are quite bad enough to do that. Congratulations, Heracles.
Visuals: 1/10
Sound: 4/10 (The least cringeworthy feature)
Gameplay: 2/10
Replay Value: 1/10 (Are you a masochist?)
Overall: 2/10