Flop #5 Voyage of the Damned

Oh boy. You really have to wonder, what Russell was thinking here. I mean, let's face it, nobody likes disaster movies. I am talking about the kind of movies that Voyage of the Damned tries to imitate. Movies where you have a group of around ten people and they all die off, one by one until only three make it out alive. Movies like the "Poseidon Adventure", "Daylight", "The Core", "Sunshine" and many more. I honestly don't know anybody who likes this genre or even any of these movies. They suck. The genre sucks.

So taking this, hugely unpopular (because stupid) genre and translating it into the kid-friendly world of Doctor Who by adding aliens and removing peril and violence seems like something that would make a bad thing worse, doesn't it? Russell didn't think so. Thus, "Voyage of the Damned" was born.

Unfortunately these movies rely on several facts: For one, the characters (all but one, the obligatory self-centered a-hole) ought to be likeable so that the viewer becomes emotionally invested. Does this happen in "Voyage of the Damned"? No. The characters are bland and/or annoying. All of them. You don't care about them, you don't want to know about them and you are damn glad when they are finally killed off, yo you don't have to hear "banacaffasomething" anymore.

Secondly, the threat has to be genuinely threatening. Killer robots aren't. The ship crashing isn't either really. So instead of wathing people run around and die because of the dangers they face we get to watch people run around and doie because of stupidity (leaning against a railing? Really?).

Finally, I've got to wonder if Russell doesn't have some sort of secret fear/fetish of disembodied heads. You had the Toclafane, which were heads in balls, the Face of Boe, a head in a jar, Ursula becomes a face on a slab and now Max Capricorn. He also beats the Slitheen and Abzorbaloff for the top spot of most uninspired, bland, ridiculous and retarded looking villain on the new show.

"Voyage of the Damned" was lame, and yet, there are four episodes that are worse.

Top #5 Utopia

This episode got lucky in a lot of ways.

It's the first part of a three-part arc. So you'd expect it to be the rather underwhelming set-up episode. But because it takes place somewhere totally different than parts two and three it really stands on its own. So it has that going for it.

Secondly, it throws a bunch of actors together that haven't worked together yet, so it might have backfired. But Tennant and Barrowman, Barrowman and Agyeman, Tennant and Jacobi, they all pair up nicely and have great onscreen chemistry. Point two in favour of the episode.

Finally, when I first watched this episode, I was totally unspoiled. I had no idea that this was part one of three. I had no idea, that Yana was the Master. So when the professor pulls out that watch I was at the edge of my seat and I never left it. From there on I got to witness the most exciting 15 minutes of the revived show to date. What a ride.

But even without the episode's luck, it would have been good. The scenario was original, the characters where superb and even the humor didn't come short. The way the Doctor and Jack made up, addressing Jack's immortality and abandonment was well done. The mild and good-hearted nature of Yana was terrifically juxtaposed against the Master's cruelty and malice. And the musical score was brilliant. Admittedly the Futurekind might have been a little silly, however they also weren't the main focus of the episode, so they too worked just fine.

In the end though, it's those unforgettable last 15 minutes that got this episode onto the list.

Flop #4 Journey's End

A lot of people really loved this episode, and the more I've watched it, the more I really wonder why. 'Cause it's bad. Really bad.

I think one reason that a lot of people loved the episode is because it used almost all of the characters the Doctor has met over the course of the new series. The thing is though, it didn't. "Use" them that is. None of the characters did anything. Martha looked distraught over the Osterhagen Key, Sara-Jane waved around a necklace, Mickey and Jackie stood around and watched her, Jack helped her wave the necklace and Rose did...nothing. Nothing at all. Whatsoever. I challenge anybody out there to tell me what reason Rose had for being in this episode. All the other characters can be shoehorned by arguing that they were needed to prove Davros' point (a point, might I add, that in itself was pointless and served no purpose in the story). Rose however wasn't even needed for that.

But all the characters getting a bum deal isn't the only reason this finale is horrible. There's the Deus Ex Machina ending in which a whole lot of nonsensical technobabble saves the universe. There's the horribly creepy ending, where Rose is stuck with a faux Doctor to have her way with on the parallel earth. There's the continuation of the trend where a massive Dalek fleet is wiped out by the push of a button. There's the lameness that is the Dalek Supreme. There's the retardedness of the cliffhanger-resolutions (time-bubble and Mickey and Jackie popping up. Really?). Basically the entire episode feels like somebody's horribly amateurish attempts at fan fiction.

If it weren't for the last 15 minutes of the episode, that in my opinion are pure television gold, "Journey's End" would have been even higher up on this list. It is just that poorly written.

Top #4 Partners in Crime

This episode is, to me, the embodiment of why Doctor Who is one of the best shows on television. Many will argue, that the Adipose were silly and as threatening as a bag of sugar and the episode's tone was way too silly and light hearted. I however maintain, that a series premiere should be light hearted, if it's not resolving the last series' cliffhanger. Secondly, to me, the Adipose are what it's all about.

They personify the beauty of Doctor Who. No other show could do this. No other show is versatile enough to allow for both epic struggles with hellish foes of immeasurable evil as well as funny little conflicts with cute and cuddly fat babies. Doctor Who can do anything and go anywhere and make it good and entertaining to watch. "Partners in Crime" demonstrates this like no other episode.

Let's also not forget Donna Noble's return. The way she and the Doctor walk past each other for the first twenty minutes is hilarious and just as it's beginning to get old, the situation is resolved with an even more hilarious mime scene, perfectly acted by both Tate and Tennant. This is Russell's comedic writing at its best. It's funny, silly, yet witty and clever. It demonstrates that Doctor Who can be undeniably fun, no matter what it does and it stands as the best series opener to date.

Flop # 3 Boom Town

"Boom Town"'s main flaw is actually not that it is plain bad. It's that it is plain boring as sin. Nothing happens for most of the episode. And just when you think, something is finally going to happen...the episode is over. For the most of the episode, Mickey whines about Rose, and the Doctor and Margret talk. Ugh! How boring.

The episode's main focus is supposed to be the Doctor's moral dilemma about whether or not to turn Margret over to her people, thus ending her life. But this conflict doesn't work. For one thing, nobody cares. Honestly, who could give a damn what happens in this episode anyway. The Slitheen were silly and uninteresting monsters, and bringing them back even once was one time too many. Those who do care on the other hand don't see the moral dilemma. Margret is bad guy. Therefore, turning her over to the authorities is the only smart thing to do. Where's the problem?

Boom Town is this far up my list, just for being boring. There are other boring episodes out there, but most of them have at least one redeeming quality. Not this one. From beginning to end, it is utterly superfluous and painful to watch. Oh, and boring, did I mention that?

...of a general nature...

There comes a point in every creative process, one specific moment where someone comes up with a rough idea or general concept, takes a step back, looks at it and declares: „This is totally wicked!" This idea or concept then proceeds to go through the usual stages of production, from the original pitch of the idea at whatever meeting is responsible for this element of the creative process until it is finally signed off on by all the necessary people in charge, all agreeing that this is in fact a brilliant idea.

When the completed version however finally reaches us, the consumers, those of us with at least half a brain are left to stare at the result in shock and disbelief. The result is so tooth grindingly horrible, so unforgivably atrocious that we are left to do little more than scratch our head and ask the question I'm sure everyone of us has asked at some point in their lives, the central question of this blog: "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?".

Moments like this can be found everywhere in any media with a creative process. Television, movies, video games, you name it. Likewise, a moment like this can occur in any part of the creative process. From casting over plot lines and character development to dialogue or game play elements and control scheme, no stage of a production, no step of the creative process is safe from what I like to call a "What-were-they-thinking-Moment" (or WWTT-Moment for short).

However, before we get to some examples to clarify what I mean, we also need to distinguish between the rhetorical question and the times, when we really and truly cannot fathom what went into the people responsible. For instance, if you purchase a video game based on a summer blockbuster the smart money says that you've just bought a game with horrible controls, atrocious graphics and mind numbingly repetitive game play. You might be prone to ask "What were they thinking, releasing this substandard example of a video game" (albeit with smaller words of the four letter variety), but bear in mind, this is a rhetorical question. No answer is required as you already know the obvious answer: They were trying to make a quick an effortless buck off a big summer blockbuster. Duh!

I however want to concentrate on the moments when you really and honestly wonder what was going through someone's head when they took that step back, eyed their creative decision from top to bottom and ruled it to be good. When what you just saw was so mind numbingly retarded, nonsensical or just plain bad that you can't possibly imagine anybody anywhere ever thinking this to be a good idea.

Alright, so to round this introduction off and to make my point clear I'll present you with some example of some WWTT-moments. Bear in mind, these are not necessarily ****c or even generally well known WWTT-moments, their just examples I came up with off the top of my head:

...with some examples...

Movies: Spiderman 3

Moment: Emo-dancing and cookie-eating of evil

What's that about? This, in my opinion, is a real ****c example of recent movie history. So, in a nutshell, somewhere along the line in "Spiderman 3" Peter Parker starts using the black-symbiont suit which slowly turns him evil. To show that this change is taking place the people in charge chose to have Peter dress in black, eat cookies and dance around like a drunken, retarded monkey imitating a drunken retarded dancer. For those of you who haven't seen this movie (though, guessing by its commercial success, most of you did), I am not kidding! He eats cookies and dances like a fool which is meant to show the audience how evil he is. When watching that you can't help yourself but to ask yourself: "What were they thinking"?

TV: Stargate Atlantis

Moment: Resolution to S4 E6 Tabula Rasa

What's that about? Dear Lord! What were they thinking? So, the episode sees everyone in Atlantis but Ronon and Teyla losing their memories. In order to distribute a cure over the ventilation system Rodney has to write a program. In the process of doing so he starts to lose his memory, so he records a message to himself instructing himself to go and find Teyla. Rodney viewing this message, is how the episode begins. From there on he proceeds to find Teyla (after overcoming a series of obstacles) who reminds him of the program he has to finish. Of course having no memory of anything at all really, he doesn't know what to do. So in desperation he presses A SINGLE RANDOM button, which completes the program.

What the schnitzel? From there on out, he is of no more relevance to resolving the situation. The cure is distributed off screen without his help and all is well. So if Rodney had just pressed that one single button in the first place instead of stopping one step from the finish line to tediously record a video message to himself, the entire episode would have been 40 minutes shorter. What were they thinking? I cannot get over this! That one push of the button nullifies the entire episode making everything that happened superfluous. What were they thinking?

Games: Nintendo Fetch Quests

Moments: When you have to backtrack for hours on end tediously collecting objects from all over the place in order to advance in the game.

What's that about? There comes a point in almost every Nintendo game, where the player is forced to backtrack, that is revisit all of the places he's been throughout the game, in order to locate some fragments of a key, or some semblance thereof. I guess the most prominent, because tedious, example would have to be "The Legend Of Zelda - The Wind Waker". Now, while it remains my favorite 3D Zelda to date (yeah, that's right, it's better than Ocarina of Time and definitely better then the disappointing Twilight Princess. I could tell you why, if you wanted to know, but you don't) not even I can deny the fact, that the fetch quest in this game is ridiculous. You have traverse a vast ocean with a tiny sailboat to get from one tiny island to the next in order to find eight fragments of the Triforce. And as there are hardly any shortcuts, the sailing alone takes hours. Not to mention the fact that before you can collect these fragments you first need to collect eight maps each depicting the location of one fragment and have those maps decoded by travelling to yet another island. What were they thinking?

Hang on, I hear you say! This is a rhetorical question you say. The answer is obvious, you claim? They wanted to increase the length of the game, you purport? Well, I guess, that was the motivation behind the fetch quests, yes, but there are better ways to stretch a game's length. And since Nintendo is one of the best publishers in the world when it comes to fun and entertaining games, I still have to wonder what they were thinking when they test-played that part and thought it was actually fun and entertaining.

...and a conclusion.

Ok, well, now you've got the gist of what my blog will be about. This is going to be my personal, half-baked attempt to show you, what might have been going through the minds of certain artists and entertainers when they made some of the most shockingly bad decisions imaginable, by "recreating" the dialogue that lead to these decisions.

Since nothing decent other than "Doctor Who" has been on recently, my "pilot episode" so to say, will be a multipart story, in which I will try to ascertain "What They Were Thinking" when discussing the future for the character of Martha Jones. Starting with "Part I - Martha Jones and 'Last of the Timelords'".