I'm not sure how many people bother to see what I'm doing, but this television season I'm using a new system to grade episodes.I create five categories of critical judgment based on the type of show. I then rate the episode out of 2 in 0.5 increments in each category. Add them all up, and you get a score for the episode.

I've done this in order to be tougher and more objective in my reviews, since the majority that I've done so far have been rated over 8. All these episodes can't be that great. No, I'm not going to go back and change my old reviews, 'cause I'm lazy like that.

I have crappy dial-up at home, which is not ideal for posting on forums. Therefore, I only bother with these sites when I go to my college, which has lovely high-speed internet. Anyway, I haven't been able to visit other the summer, but now that school has started up again, I'm back. Anyone miss me? Anyone?.... Hello?..... I think I'll just sit in the corner.... *sniff*

I only have access to decent internet on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Therefore, I have no idea how long the problem has been fixed. So, no matter how late this is: it's about time!

I finally decided to listen to everyone's banners and paid a visit to Further Instructions. Honestly, I don't see what makes it any better than the forums here. Is it the relaxed restrictions? Enlighten me, please. Of course, the site may become more interesting once Lost returns and there's something to actually talk about.

Welcome to the first installment of "Dude, that's old news" movie reviews, the blog that tells you whether or not you should see a movie long after you probably already have seen it! Today, I review "Transformers", which came out July 3 and which I saw on July 7.

TRANSFORMERS

Ah, Transformers. Starting with the 80's, just about every male has seen this series of TV shows/action figure product placements in some form or another. Personally, I was a big fan of "Beast Wars" back in the 90's. Of course, these days you don't have to see all of these many incarnations to understand the whole franchise, thanks to Wikipedia, God's fourth greatest gift to mankind (right after Jesus, the Nintendo Wii, and dippin' dots). Anyway, the point is you don't have to be a diehard fan to understand this movie.

Of course, you don't even have to be very intelligent either. This is, after all, Michael "Armageddon"/"Bad Boys"/"The Island" Bay directing, master of seizure-inducing rapid cuts, unnecessary slow motion, and heroic sunsets. I can't say that I've enjoyed any of his movies that much, although "Armageddon" is excellent for making fun of (read a humorous recap at The Agony Booth). Anyway, though Bay's hacky sensibilities show through at times, this is overall an excellent moviegoing experience, definitely worth that ridiculous ticket price.

You probably already know the plot of Transformers, since all you have to do is read a synopsis online, watch the trailer, watch a commercial, heck, you can figure it out from the poster. Good robots versus bad robots. Okay fine, there's an actual reason for the fighting: both sides want the macguffin: the "Allspark", which turns ordinaryEarth machines into evil transformers. No, I am not making this up. Just don't think about it too much. In fact, don't think too much over anything you're told in this movie. It's safer for your mental health that way.

Anyway, I'm getting tired of writing, so I'll just give you the facts this way:
GOOD PARTS:
-The Humor. This movie is a lot funnier than you would think. It's almost never forced, often clever. I didn't expect it, but it was great. In fact, remove the giant robots and you would have the first good teen comedy in history.
-The Special Effects. Eye-poppingly good. A brief look at Wikipedia tells you that each of the robots is animated with tens of thousands of moving parts. They look completely convincing.
-The Voice Work. While the things the robots are actually saying isn't so great (more on that later), the voice actors are all great, although only Peter Cullen gets a chance to shine. In case you didn't know, Cullen voiced Optimus Prime (what do you mean you don't know who that is? inexcusable, visit Wikipedia now!) in the original Transformers series, and he reprises his role here.
-The Acting. Shia LaBeouf (not sure I spelled his name right...) is great, and all of the supporting cast is good as well. Jon Turturro gleefully chews scenery as the obnoxious head of a secret organization.
BAD PARTS:
-The Writing. About the level I would expect from a Michael Bay film. It's cheesy, especially the transformers' lines. And the plot, as already stated, is pretty much nonexistant and doesn't hold up to scrutiny.
-The Action. Another Michael Bay hallmark. The fight sequences are filmed A) too close up and B) too fast. It does not make a good combination. You can't tell what's going on, and I felt downright nauseous at times.
-Other Special Effects. Remember how I said the transformers are made up of thousands of pieces? Well, when they stand still, they look great, but when they're moving fast, they just look like a mass of parts. Combined with the above complaint, it doesn't look too good.

Anyway, with this movie, it's easy to overlook its faults. The fact is, it never asks you to take it seriously, which is a breath of fresh air these days, especially with some adaptations of other works making things overly dark. The movie just asks you to sit back and enjoy the ride. Turn off your brain and take it all in. Normally, I don't like turning off my brain. I love my brain. But I did it for this movie. And it was worth it.

RATING: ***1/2 (Three and a half asterisks out of five)

It seems that I'm not the only one having this problem. Despite having made a considerable amount of posts, my level will not move past Level 6 at 42%. What's the deal?

One person agrees and twelve people disagree.... Well, I guess that's to be expected when you criticize a show in the presence of a lot of people whom presumably enjoy it. I guess I would react the same way if someone posted such a scathing review of Lost. Of course, Lost is well-written, well-acted, well-mostly-everything, so it isn't quite the same. Seriously, why do people like Smallville so much?

To elaborate on my review a bit:

Tom Welling: The guy can't act. He just can't. I'd say he's as emotive as a piece of wood, but that would be insulting to pieces of wood. Oh, and he's THIRTY YEARS OLD playing a COLLEGE STUDENT! What is Clark Kent supposed to be, like twenty or twenty-one?

The story: Individual episodes are pretty much monster-of-the-week formats, with the type of monsters varying each season. Just how many freaks can one town hold? The overall plot is advanced by precious little every episode. And the overall plots aren't that interesting, either. Ooooh, let's spend a year looking for Nintendo precious stones! Hey, you've been possessed by a French witch from the seventeenth century! Oh noes, Zod is coming!

The dialouge: Who thought Lex Luthor commanding "Kneel before Zod!" with a straight face (and an emphasis on kneel) was a good idea? Really, who?

The HoYay: For those unfamiliar with TWoP, HoYay stands for "homoeroticism, yay" and refers to unintentional homosexual subtext between two straight characters. You could cut the HoYay with a knife on Smallville. Read the Smallville recaps at TWoP to see the many, many examples.