...ring ring... ring ring...
*click* Hello, and welcome to our new and improved customer service
system created to serve you better. Please listen to the following
options as there have been some new options created in order to
accommodate certain services that have been in demand.
If you are trying to reach our service department, they would like to
inform you that they are extremely busy and would suggest that you try
calling them back at a later date, for example, some time in august.
If you are inquiring whether we sell something which is such a
prominent part of our company it is featured in the company's name, we
ask you to reconsider your question. For example, Harry's Meat Market
would indeed sell meat, not, for instance, shoes. Please use the same
logic when determining the validity of your question..
If you would like to inquire whether we sell a certain product that we
would almost certainly not carry (see the example of the shoes- meat
market from the previous option) please dial the number of the yellow
pages. The same procedure should be followed if you are inquiring
about a product which we are certain doesn't exist, and that you must
surely be making up.
If you are calling to ask for directions to the store from some
obscure location in the city, please hang up and consult a map. That
is their function, which they serve quite admirably. Thank you.
If you are calling with a question which will involve a 8 minute
preamble before you get to the actual question at a time of day when
there are numerous people calling in, please expect to be put on hold
several times. Also keep in mind that such a preamble may be directed
to someone who will inform you when you are through that you need to
talk to a different department, which they really wish you had named 8
minutes ago.
If you cannot be connected with the person you are trying to reach,
because they are out of the office, they are busy, etc. please leave a
voicemail or try again later. Do not start yelling that you must speak
with them, because in no way is the volume of your voice going to
influence the availability of said person or their proximity to their
office. They are out. Please deal with that. We suggest you chill.
Also do not ask person you are talking to to perform the function of
the department you wanted to reach. That is not their job; they have
no idea what you are talking about. They also cannot perform such
functions such as measuring things in various parts of the store, or
performing the service repair themselves, although they would gladly
try if it meant that you would stop calling.
If you are calling for the third time today inquiring why no one has
returned your messages, please keep in mind you should not expect to
hear from anyone today or tomorrow. Also, ask yourself what kind of a
person you are to deal with. If you are continually incomprehensively
angry, this may explain the reluctance or certain individuals to get
back to you.
If you want to complain that no one has returned your messages, please
check the validity of that statement. If you have received calls from
our department concerning the messages that you have left, then you
have had your messages returned. If you still have further questions,
this does not mean your messages haven't been returned, it simply
means that you wish to leave more messages. Please make this
distinction.
If you don't care who you talk to, but would just like to yell, please
be advised to direct your yelling to the appropriate department, as
the call screener does not have a department and therefore cannot do
anything but direct you to the appropriate department at which to
yell. Better still; consider discussing your problem like a normal
person, which will involve being an active participant in both the
listening and talking ends of the conversation. We guarantee that your
problem will resolved several times faster.
If you are calling to yell to such extent that it appears you couldn't
care less about actually resolving your problem as long as you get to
yell we have created a special voice mailbox for you. You will be
given unlimited time to speak to something connected with the company,
and better yet, you will not have to cope with the hassles of anyone
interrupting you while you are yelling trying to do such annoying
things as trying to fix your problem, or even establish what your
problem is, besides the fact that you are extremely angry. These
messages will then be deleted, as we do not expect you to ever arrive
at a coherent analysis of what your problem is, or how we could solve
it. To reach this mailbox, please punch your keypad now.
For complaints in which you threaten to do something that could be
considered a criminal offence (for example, arson, stalking, etc.)
please contact the police station directly and save us the trouble.
Thank you for your patience. You are all valued customers. Have a great day!
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