Thanks Kametsou and DaveJS124 for replying on the last blogs.

I can't see how other people live with ease. I know I'm mentally ill and I should get help. I wish I was like everyone else where I'm anxiety free. It's like I don't feel normal to the point where if I tell someone, eithier they are not going to understand me or they will think I'm a freak.

Well, I didn't tell my mom, I just didn't had the guts. I was so looking foward to it. I guess I will have to suffer alone becuase no one seems to not see me or know me really. My best friend Krystal only knows what's going on and she tells me sometimes she feels the same way. If I loose her I will then probably loose all hope.

When I went to middle school for the first time, my dog came into the family. When I first went to high school, my friend Krystal came into my life. Now that I've started college, I wonder what's going to come. Sorry, I just realized it.

It's amazing who I am. I can be your friend and you will think right away I'm just a ordinary person. I'm like a two person. First, I'm happy and normal as can be. Then, I'm quiet and thinking about suicide, thinking about running away, acting different like I was just abducted by aliens. I would have mood swings and would seem like I'm stuck up and just plain mean. I would panic and trimble too and that's the part that is so painful. Everyday I have to go through this pain, this anxiety.

This anxiety is cuased by just the ordinary tacks of everyday life.

What do we do almost everyday? Socialize. I suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder. Going to college is like going through hell. The only thing that is keeping me alive is my dream. I look into the future and dream about who I can become. Man, it is so hard for me, I can't explain to you. And why does this have to happen to me?! A Social Anxiety movie director? Never heard of it. I can't be social phobic if I want to be a filmmaker. That is my challenge.

This is the reason why I can't drive yet, never had a job, never had a boyfriend, never did went to my prom, or go get my hair cut by myself, ordered anything on the phone. I get nervous all the time before going up to the cash register. I got picked on in school in six grade because I never talked. Kids would always ask me why I don't talk. And now, when people ask that, it's like I get stoned or something. I begin to kinda freak out just by those words. "Why don't you talk?" "Why don't you talk?" It makes me want to crawl underneath something and just day dream on it. "Why, does that make me a freak if I don't talk!" I have issues.

So that's the problem. How can I be a filmmaker if I have Social phobia problems?