Maybe I've been watching too much of The Wonder Years lately. Little Kevin was so adorable, so prone to getting in trouble, and so me. Of course, growing up in super-urban Hong Kong 32 years after he did in suburban America meant I didn't go through a lot of what he did, yet somehow I still related to it. For example, I can't help but think about my own wonder years.
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We were one of those handful of private schools in Hong Kong that followed another country's curriculum instead, an "international school" as it was called. "A" transferred to our school in grade 11. At least I think she did, since she's not in my grade 10 yearbook. Anyhow, something about the different school systems meant that she was a full 20 months older than me, yet in the same grade. But I didn't know that. All I knew was that in high school Math class there were a lot of classmates who asked me to help them with a question once in a while, but she seemed to be at my desk more often than most.
We also had some science classes together. We did a lot of lab projects together. I'm not sure why. Maybe we were forced to be lab partners once, found that we worked well together, and so chose each other time and time again. And somehow, we became pretty good friends, even though we hardly talked about anything but academia.
In grade 12 chemistry, we sat together in class. Of course, it was awkward. For the most part, there were guy lab benches and girl lab benches. And then, right at the front of the class was us. While it wasn't like we purposely sat as far apart as we could (after all, we were friends), there were definitely times I spent peering over the projector in the front of the room because I still wanted to keep a fair distance from her. After all, I didn't want to give people the wrong impression.
But there was this friend of ours. Other than the fact he wasn't my roommate at a Malibu boarding school, he could have come straight out of Nickelodeon's tween show Zoey 101. His name was Michael. He played the flute. And he knew me inside and out. Or at least, he knew the one thing that would make it look like he did. (Sorry Michael for mentioning you by name, but I needed to do the comparison.)
It was the last semester of high school, in Calculus class. As usual, I wasn't paying attention; after all, I took the AP exam in Grade 11. Heck, I wasn't even in my seat; I was on the other side of the classroom where Michael and she were. One tip, Michael: if you're going to ask someone if they liked someone else, don't do it in front of that person.
She shot that question down before I could even open my mouth. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of "That's crazy, we're just friends". Now, if this really was The Wonder Years, I would have been heartbroken. But in my 2000s version of classic 80s television, her reply brought more reflection than depression. I came to realize that she was right. I liked her, but I wasn't in love with her. Instead, I had a crush on someone else, even though I guess I knew all along I wouldn't get her.
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"B" had been going to our school since grade 5. I don't know why, but it wasn't until grade 6 that I really noticed her. But I did, and thus began many, many years of hell.
I'm not sure if she found my crush on her creepy or she simply hated my guts. She even kicked me in the calf once. Of course, it hurt more emotionally than physically.
I don't remember which grade, maybe 6th, but we had French class together. I remember having to work with her a few times. I'm not sure how we got through it all. I'm not sure how we even got past that half-minute of teasing before we even started. The teacher pointed out that it wasn't like we were getting married, but that obviously didn't help.
Watching her go out with other guys made me realize that my chance of doing the same was zero. And I guess after I backed off a bit, she eventually stopped hating me. She still didn't like me, but at least going to school was a bit more bearable.
Still, there was this one time I gave in to my feelings once again. I started following her around school, heck, I was stalking her. Of course, she caught me. Fortunately for me, she and her friends decided to talk to me directly rather than telling me off to some teacher. She didn't slap my face, punch me in the stomach, or even call me a jerk. Maybe she understood what I was going through, even if she didn't like that she was the object of my affection.
We even became friends of sorts towards the end of high school. We didn't hang out at school (she had her own cool group), but we chatted on the computer a few times. Only my closest friends still teased me about my crush on her, maybe because if anyone else did, I would have risked suspension just to make them pay for it. But then, would I really? After all, I wasn't exactly on the fitter end of the class spectrum.
We haven't kept in touch after graduation.
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June 2006. Prom night. I went stag, in fact, I even took a marker to the slot next to my name so that no prankster could embarrass me by writing "B"'s name there. But of course, if someone did, he'd have to answer to her boyfriend too. I have to admit I even liked the guy somewhat. Maybe I was starting to surrender, but I thought they *were* cute together. They were announced cutest couple that night, but was there really any competition? (They're broken up now.)
I was nominated for some awards, like "Most likely to be a millionaire by 25". I'm glad I didn't win; I definitely am not living up to that title now. There were other awards and stuff, and some music, and dinner. To sum it all up, I was bored stiff. But then there was "A". We didn't interact all that much that night, but if it weren't for her, the night would have gone from decent to "I'm outta here".
I'm not sure why we took that picture together. Maybe it was the first sign of something more than friendship between us. But things would have to start slow. We didn't dance that night, so she never found out I didn't know how. We did however, leave the prom together, just the two of us on our way to the subway ("MTR") station on our way home. I'm not sure why we left together or what we might have said to each other that night. All I know it that it was the first time we hung out together outside of school.
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Before I left for Canada for university, we hung out one more time. We had dinner and a movie (actually, a movie and then dinner) at Times Square. Of course, Hong Kong's Time Square is nothing like its New York namesake. And I didn't see the night as a date until much later. For the two of us, it was just two friends hanging out one more time before I left.
The movie we watched was the great epic "She's the Man", to be sarcastic. I don't know what I liked about the movie the first time, but every time it aired on cable since, I couldn't stand to watch more than a few minutes of it. Maybe it was just the company I was with, me right against the wall, her by my side. Sometimes I wonder: why didn't I fall for her that night? Or at prom? Dinner was at a cheap Japanese fast-food restaurant. Fortunately, there's more to Japanese food than sushi. To this day I remember that she doesn't like raw fish.
I did meet someone I knew at that mall that day. I admit I was a little embarrassed. At least he wasn't in my grade.
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"A" applied to a university in Hong Kong. Hong Kong universities tend to look down on international school students, and they made her take a mathematics assessment test. So naturally, I offered my support and even gave her a few example problems to try out. I didn't think much of it, but apparently she thought it was sweet. August 9, 2006, she sent me an email signed "Love, [name deleted]". A week or so later, she flat out told me she liked me.
I wasn't shocked. We had been getting closer, even without high school to keep us together. But even ignoring the fact that she was in Hong Kong and I was in some small Canadian university town, I didn't feel ready for a relationship. Somehow, we didn't let that email affect our friendship. But over the coming months, I started to change my mind.
Jump to Valentine's Day, 2007. I sent "A" the cheesiest, most cringe-worthy email I could. And so we started a long-distance relationship. We talked about what we were up to, some of the things we liked, and we especially enjoyed thinking of things to do when I came back to Hong Kong for the summer. But we also talked about how she hated studying at her Hong Kong university. I knew it would mean we'd have trouble seeing each other again even in the summer, but when she told me she was considering a university in Australia, I encouraged her to pursue her dream. March 2007 came for me with the biggest phone bill I ever saw. Of course, it was how I was going to spend my money anyway, even if it was a rip-off.
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My semester ended in April and I returned to Hong Kong for a long summer break, only I didn't know just how long. June 28, 2007 was the last time I saw "A". It was 5 in the morning and there she was, walking into the arrivals hall at the airport, pleasantly surprised to see me there. I only got a hug, but hey, we were only friends the last time we saw each other. Maybe the physical stuff would take time.
Me, "A", and her brother went back to her place. We had breakfast at a nearby Chinese restaurant, and then I never saw her again. I think the weather that day was trying to tell me something. Anyway, a few days later, we were chatting on the computer, and out of the blue, she asked me if we could just be friends.
Maybe if I had forced her to explain why she was suddenly dumping me, we could have worked things out. But instead, all I thought was "it's over". I reluctantly agreed to her offer to be friends again, but somehow, it was just too awkward. Somehow, it seemed like suddenly we had nothing to say to each other. I did try to chat her up earlier this year, but it felt like it was always me trying to get her to talk and she really wasn't that interested. So I stopped.
August 11, 2008 was the very last time I talked to her. In MSN Messenger, there is space beside a user's name for a short blurb, and hers read "Although it's been a year, you're still in my dreams...Can I not let go?" Of course, I never stopped thinking about her, and that little line gnawed at me for a few days. I finally decided I'd rather get shot down than go on like this.
Of course, I did get shot down. Not that she hated me now or anything, but I was simply just another guy. While the line was from a favorite TV show of hers, and she told me she simply liked it enough to use it, sometimes I wonder what about that line made her like it so much. But I felt like I shouldn't press the issue any further.
And that was the end of it all. Our connection broke, but it didn't matter. There was nothing left to say.
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Maybe you are also a fan of that great show The Wonder Years. But even if not, all of us have a period of their lives they will never forget. All we can do is remember and hope others do too. After having not used Facebook for a year, I recently went back to the site. I found out that most of the comments on "A"'s Wall have been coming from one guy. They met in Hong Kong and seem to be good friends, but she's still in Sydney and he goes to college in the States. So I do see a slight variation of the situation I was in, only we are all a few years wiser now. Maybe they won't suffer the same fate we did.