Plan 9 from Outer Space. D-Wars. The Wicker Man remake.
Every year, we recieve one comedic masterpiece that critics and the public foolishly write off as just another bad film. If only people would take closer looks at these works, they would find themselves watching satiric masterworks.
This year's Wicker Man remake is The Happening.
Early on in the film, an entirely inconsequential principal informs his staff that "an event is happening," and I feel this sums up the plot superbly. First, something happens. Next, nothing happens for ninety minutes. Finally, nothing stops happening.
Indeed, what we have here is a piece of subversive filmmaking from Mr. Shamalonyalonamon that only a genius like Douglas Sirk could have concieved, though not with as high a concept as Shmaladong has crafted. Previously, Shmellalong graced the screen with several solidly crafted dramatic works such as The Sixth Sense and Lady in the Water (I'm not joking when I say I actually dug Lady in the Water as an imperfect experiment). However, with The Happening, our noted auteur has done something very interesting: After breaking away from his formula with The Village and Lady in the Water, only to be spat upon by critics and audiences alike, this director has made the crafty decision to return to his previous formula with the twist of making everything as utterly terrible as he possibly can.
It's a risky move, but it has payed off in belly laughs and deliciously cynical satire.
Our story begins with something happening. After something has happened, we find ourselves in a ****oom, where a man named Dignam swears profusely at young Billy Costigan about all the "****n' disappearing bees," before killing Matt Damon and being taken to a meeting where the principal informs his staff that "an event is happening." The teachers are understandably shaken, considering nothing interesting ever happens in Philadelphia. Dignam returns home to his wife, played by Zooey "Big, Teary Eye-Balls" Deschanel. Apparently, she's cheating on him, and he, being the stupidest man alive, does not know. Now, you may ask, what does this affair have to do with trees making people kill themselves? I assure you, there are many, many answers to your question.
The two of them leave on a train, only to be booted off. John Leguizamo leaves them to find his wife with another family. He is killed, apparently owing to the fact that humanity has not yet developed small-hole-covering technology. Dignam and his wife leave with his little girl with Mr. Hot Dog and his wife. They find themselves at an intersection, where they meet living proof that gays are admitted into the military. Nothing else happens until they reach some old hag's house. She hits her head on some windows and stuff suddenly stops happening. Finally, the story ends with Big-Eyes McGee being pregnant. You may have noticed what a gripping narrative this is, but I assure you it is doubly gripping on the big screen.
This story is rife with symbolism. For example, the scene in which a man commits suicide by jumping into a lion cage is indicative of humanity's relationship with nature. We shield ourselves from nature's might with shields of blissful ignorance and allow ourselves to play with danger, only to suddenly find our arms have transformed into bafflingly fake red stumps. The immortal sequence in which Dignam converses with a household tree reflects humanity's everlasting cry to nature to deliver us from its cold hand of death, only to find our words fall on deaf-ears, belonging to a plastic God. As previously stated, only Sirk or maybe Paul Verhoeven could have gotten away with this level of thematic subversion. It is a testament to directorial visual and narrative wit that these sequences of subtle depth can be put across on screen. Shmelvin should be commended.
Of course, the production values are also excellent. Tak Fujimoto gives his finest cinematographic work since Pilot Episode of MacGyver. James Newton Howard proves how much more valuable sudden and concentrated walls of sound are than actually having scary scenes. Other people worked on this film as well.
And, so, I will end this review by stating what Shteinenheiser's trademark twist ending this time is. You may want to stop reading at this point, for the twist ending is amazing. The Happening….HAPPENS AGAIN!
In France.
And so, the audience left the theater with the confident knowledge that France stinks. Indeed, we can all take a page from this film, for, yea verily, France is lame. Lame, however, does not describe the genius oozing out of every crevice of every frame on this wonderful picture. Of all the words I could use to describe it, there is only one that could possibly come close to encapturing the experience I had while watching this picture: Scaramaflogget. This is the most scaramaflogget movie I have ever seen.
Mark Wahlberg Talking to a Tree/10