In Britain, we feel we always get the arse end of the deal when it comes to video games. Our release dates are often months or years apart from our cousins across the pond, we get cruddy boxart, and the prices are always higher. Arcades are no exception to this rule:

This is a typical 10p gamble game for kids. I'm sure everyone has had a go on these at some point in their lives. This particular machine has been there for over 10 years and the alarm that's supposed to go off if shook is broken. On more than one occasion I've seen kids taking flying kicks at these things.

The prizes of the UFO Catchers are normal Disney stuff you'd expect, but snowmen? This is just a typical example of how poorly managed these arcades are. Who the hell wants a snowman in February?

Those two are Dancing Stage Euromix 1 & 2, which are now 9 years old, side-by-side. The handle bars behind them are battered, worn, and held together with duct tape. It apparently has the Silent Hill theme on it, but I've never heard it.

Aaah, now we're surely getting somewhere, right? Mario Kart 2, you can even play as Ms. Pac Man on it. Well, the machine my girlfriend is sat as has a busted coin slot, so no-one can use it, and you can see that some ADHD brat has attempted to pull off the instruction stickers. I did manage to enjoy a game by myself, though.

We've arrived at the end of our tour. On the left is a Sega Rally link-up machine - no, not a new one, but the original Sega Rally on the Sega Saturn, released in 1995, complete with wonderful 32 bit graphics. On the right is House of the Dead 4. I wish I could say more about it, but the machine wasn't working for whatever reason.

The typical British approach to arcades is "if it ain't broke, wait until it breaks. If it is broke, wait until next week". If Sega, Namco-Bandai and Konami ever wonder why arcades don't do so well in England it is quite simply a combination of high prices (a quid a go, so ten pounds will last you probably 5 mins), poor maintenance and outdated machinery.

I'm all for the retro vibe, don't get me wrong. I loved playing Street Fighter II and Virtua Fighter 3 with my cousin, but there's a line between purposely going for the retro crowd and being too lazy to update the machines. That Sega Rally machine's steering wheels have next to no friction left in them, simply sliding and banging from left to right like a freshly oiled bike wheel.

The was a Ghost Squad gun game behind me when I took the Sega Rally/HotD4 shot, but I can't look at it for long. The image on screen has gone out of sync, causing a weird effect of blue and red on screen. I'm not sure if this is done on purpose and that I'm supposed to be wearing 3D glasses, but either way the actual guns themselves are never calibrated. Firing a shot will result in your bullets flying about 20cm to the upper left of what you were aiming at.This disorientating experience left me feeling a little sea sick.

I'm sure that there are good arcades in England somewhere, but this is supposedly the best on in the North West which is very disappointing. The machines are old, broken and expensive to use. There is little to no variety, with everything being either a racing game or a rail shooter. If it were a bridge, this arcade would be the rickety sort found in an Indiana Jones film, over a canyon of some kind. Everyone else seems to get across fine, but the moment you step onto it one end breaks and sends you flying into the wall of the opposite side. You hang on for dear life as you scramble to the safe solid ground above. Once there, you realise your wallet has been stolen and your childhood was kicked in the nutsack. Then the bridge set on fire. And you caught herpes.