Warning: this is one of those :( blogs I mentioned before.

This is just something I have to get out. I've never been one to express myself through talking, so I feel that ranting here would be more effective than talking....of course, there's also that I don't have anyone to talk to.

First of all, I don't want anyone to get offended. This isn't a message for any one specific person, it's may seem to describe you specifically, but it's actually a generalization about a few people.

Anyway, many times I feel fake and I'm doing it for attention. I say and do things and I think people look at me and think "Who is she trying to fool? That's not really who she is" When it actually is me--even if I don't like it.

On this site, I seem so busy trying to console other people that I don't have time for myself. My comments include "I know how you feel" and I wonder if they look at my blogs and think "What a liar, she doesn't act like that at all." or
"She's only saying that either to make me feel better that I'm not the only one going through this, or she wants us to be closer or something."

In school, I was usually depressed, and after a while my friends seemed to kind of ignore it. I hadn't realized it but it must have been annoying.
Them: Hi...Oh, what's wrong?
Me: ....nothing.
I guess I just wanted that friend who would take me aside and say "I know something bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?"

But I should have known that what I want, I never get. (It must sound really selfish)
I should have stopped being so stupid.

So basically my friends didn't talk to me if I looked sad, but if they ever even frowned, I found myself rushing to their side (along with the other couple of other people who were already there) to find out what was wrong.

Maybe I am being selfish, but it seems as though I'm always the one comforting and helping other people while no one does this for me.

But that's over and done with, and now I don't have anyone. It's so much easier to have friends during school and now that it's over, I don't see them and I have nothing to say.

And I'm really hoping and praying that college will be better. I don't know what to expect though. (I'd explain something here, but I think this blog is long enough as it is...later)

I don't know. I don't know what I want. To be accepted? To be consoled myself? Pity??
:?

I just had to let all of that out.