Okay so I have to be extra careful here if I don't want to end up on the wrong side of the GameSpot mediators and admittedly some say that I went to the Bob Geldof school of etiquette so I'll make an extra special effort here and be extra careful not to actually swear but what makes a swear word a swear word? Why is it acceptable to use one word in company and not another? Who was it that first said "****" and then added "Oh and by the way, that's a swear word. Naughty me!"? Why can I use certain words in public and get penalised for using another?

Think of it from another perspective; some TV programmes, in an attempt not to offend their viewers and the regulatory bodies, have made up swear words. PORRIDGE was probably the first with NAFF and NERK and then we have later additions with BATTLESTAR GALACTICA's FRACK and FARSCAPE's FRELL. So it seems quite acceptable to make up words and use them in public even though we all know what is really being said, without actually saying it, so if we all know what we all mean, why can't we just say it and how soon will it be before these words actually end up in the dictionary of swear words and become unacceptable to use? Will reruns of Porridge be banned before the watershed?

Then we have the huge dictionary of swear words that aren't swear words unless we put them in the wrong (or right) sentence; words I can use quite happily in this article if I use them in the right context - "Sleeping Beauty pricked herself and made her gown bloody because she was distracted by a couple of (name of a family of birds that the automatic censor won't let me use even if I talk about a blue one) munching on the coconut outside her window." And let's not forget that I can quite legitimately call someone d***h*** if his names just happens to the Richard Head. Then we have those expressions that aren't technically swear words but should be especially when you know their origin - cock-eyed is a perfect example.

So what does make a swear word a swear word and can I make one up or convert an existing word into a swear word? If I can, then I'd like to elect SUCK. Ignore the fact that it rhymes with an existing swear word, it's got a lovely sound to it and can be used offensively in its own right - I'll leave that to your imagination because my examples are getting a little too close to that somewhat fuzzy fine line between decency and profanity and I don't know exactly where the mediators at GameSpot will draw that line so I'll withdraw before I offend and move on and ask why is it that swearing feels so good? Why does it give so much pleasure? They're just words after all but stub your toe, rip your toenail off and then hop around the floor with blood squirting out like an uncontrollable arterial bleed and "oh dearie me" just doesn't cut it. It needs a quick barrage of obscenities even if it is just under your breath.

So with all that in mind, I'll close with one last thought. Let's say that in the future, we became a more (or less) enlightened society where no word is a swear word, would we use those words more or less and what will the kids be saying as they lurk outside the corner shop where currently F is used every other word? "Well fish me if I didn't fishing see my fishing sister fishing about with my cousin. What the fish was that all about?"

OK, wthout wishing to show my age, when I was at school, end of year exam results culminated in a class place. You knew who was top and you knew who was bottom and more than anything else; you knew where you stood in the class and thus where you stood in life. You knew what you had to aim for and when you tried harder and you got a higher place, you knew you'd done well. Maybe that was a bit ruthless for the kid at the bottom of the class so losing that "place" structure was not all bad but now we seem to have gone absolutely batty!

A friend recently mentioned that that it was her son's School Sports Day coming up but that it wouldn't be much fun to watch as it was "non-competitive". I couldn't quite figure that one out so I asked, how can a Sports Day be non-competitive? Well, apparently, all the competitive races are banned to ensure that no child ever "suffers the humiliation of losing a race"!?

Next day, I learnt from another friend that works in a school that literally every child got a prize on Prize Day - right down to the truant who managed to improve his attendance record to an "impressive" 37% during the year!?

Ignoring the actual issue of truancy, what's with this non-competitive cr**? Whether we like it or not - life IS competitive! From applying for your very first job onwards you compete - you compete against other applicants for the job in the first place and having gotten the job you are measured by your successes and your failures and the more successful you are, the more you are rewarded with remuneration and promotion.

So surely this non-competitive stuff is not equipping our children with the life skills that they will need to survive in life? They are not learning how to be a winner and, more importantly, they are not learning how to be good losers rather than sore losers! Winning and losing are part of life - "you win some, you lose some" - have often do you hear it said and it's true. I know what I'm good at and I know what I'm bad at - take singing. I'd love to be a singer and capture an audience with my voice but I know I don't have a cat's chance. I can't sing for toffee! At school my music teacher made me mime rather than sing! I'm not even allowed to whistle in the house I'm so tuneless! But equipped with this information I knew not to pursue a career as a singer or to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

We are all winners and we are all losers - and whether we like it or not - knowing our skill set allows us to make the best of them and to get the most out of life. And for those of you that are still thinking that competition isn't fair because losing isn't fair - as my granddad once told me "Get used to it sweetheart, life isn't fair!"

Contrary to popular belief oil is not the black gold of the world -it is in fact, mascara!

A litre of fuel costs on average about 98p per litre depending on where you buy it and what type. A litre of your average whisky costs about £14.50. The 'highly coveted' (but not by me, I prefer Rive Gauche) Chanel No. 5 Eau de Parfum can be purchased for as little as (there's a sarcastic tone there by the way) £1,080 per litre but mascara...!

Now we all know (well those that wear it) that the price of mascara ranges from a couple of quid to about £30.00 a shot ased upon your average High Street chemist, so let's take an average of say £12.00 a pop for an 8ml container. Some would say I'm being over generous there and £15.00 would be nearer the mark but let's go with £12.00 for now - that works out at a whacking great £1,500 for a litre!

So having got my hair off about mascara I began to wonder what was truly the most expensive liquid in the world and a quick Google gave me my answer. Printer ink came out pretty near the top of the list but still didn't compare to mascara by a long shot. In fact the only real contender was racehorse semen which averaged about £500 a pop (which would be about 5ml) but can cost as much as £10,000 a pop!

So perhaps I should stop complaining and just be grateful that I don't have to smear racehorse semen on my eyelashes?!