Finally, a Kung Fu Jesus not played
by Keanu Reeves.
After a pair of Buffy games and now a duo of BloodRaynes have received decent reviews and a modicum of success, it's clear the world is primed and ready for the real deal—the final word in gothic actioners. If you guessed that I'm proposing bringing Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter's bizarre brand of humor to games, you guessed right. Although I'm of the Tribe, I'm committed to ensuring that the Lamb makes an appearance on all three current-gen consoles by year's end, and shows everyone just what a Lion He can be. The power of Christ impales you!
For those of you who managed to miss Lee Demarbre's visionary follow-up to his seminal flick Harry Knuckles and the Treasure of the Aztec Mummy, which made appearances on major VCRs the world over, I'm prepared to briefly summarize its firmamental content. With the new millennium looming, Ottawa, Canada is experiencing record lesbian shortages. In the wake of the resulting media frenzy, the holy men of a local church take it upon themselves to investigate these disappearances, including those of their own lesbian Parishioners. It doesn't take long for these noble souls, who count among them the mohawked biker Father Alban, to make a startling discovery. An all-female vampire force is running rampant. These bloodsuckers have forgotten to fear the sun. Fortunately, they will soon learn to fear THE SON OF GOD!
Just as this motley crew of the Lord's servants are just about to have their faith sucked dry, Jesus of Nazareth makes a timely appearance, dispatching the damned assailants using his considerable knowledge of Kung Fu. Jesus goes on to get a makeover, star in various song and dance numbers, hook up with his hometown honey, Mary Magnum, and finally join forces with a legendary Mexican Wrestler.
Some of the daywalking vampires.
Obviously, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is poised to make a brilliant transition to games. As the Messiah, gamers will spend the majority of their time roughing up vampires for the greater glory of God. Of course, Santo Emascarado de Plata will bring his grappling goodness to the mix as a second playable character. I envision the inactive hero providing backup support when not in use, in a manner similar to The King of Fighters' Striker system.
Of course, the musical component of JCVH is part of what made it such as smash success among sociopathic Emerson College students, and certainly can't be overlooked. When the game's title track plays, players will be prompted to plug in their dance pads, shake their moneymakers, and pass around collection plates.
Ivan Freud injects some Old Testament
values into Jesus' tale of heroism.
I've no doubt that, if the proposed game ever makes retail, we'll be looking at a smash success on par with Lowriders. Prepare yourselves for the holy Vampire Hunter's second coming!