This is part 1/3 blogs that I'm doing to celebrate/mourn this day.

This is probably the most depressing blog I've written so far.

I asked my mom if I was an @sshole She honestly replied with 'sometimes'. Well, sometimes, I hate being an @sshole Sometimes I hate being dubbed the @sshole of the Wendy Bunch. I hate being the rudely honest one because everyone else wants to be nice about it. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate that its only accepted from me because I never was a nice person anyway. What is nice exactly? Life sucks. And the people who know that fact and are brave enough to face it are the ones who are successful. The ones who don't feel like its even worth it kill themselves. Still brave. I don't know about you but I'm a coward regarding suicide. Sure, I tried to kill myself with damn near choking on sleeping pills that I could barely swallow. Tried to bleed out by slitting my wrists...funny thing regarding that is when it seemed like I was finally going to be successful with that, I was scared. Took back all the times I cut myself. Never did it again. Ever since I refused to be that selfish. Ever since I've been living for other people. I didn't move to Oklahoma when I graduated high school because I couldn't leave Nels by herself to deal with her f*cked up parents. I didn't stay with my dad after mom moved back to the states because she had a drinking problem and I felt that I had to take care of her. I never do anything for myself anymore. Maybe that's why finding a balance between you guys and real life will never work. Because I hate my life. I hate my life and just about everyone in it. You guys make me feel loved and wanted, whether I'm the designated b!tch or not. In real life I feel like I'm just a function. 'Go here' 'do that' etc etc etc. It's never about me and when it is its always something bad. Leilani is a screw up who will never find her nitch in life. She'll always have to depend on other people. She'll never be like her brother, who has a great life with his spouse, a good job and a son with another on the way. Leilani will never be able to survive on her own, like her sister who was put out at age 16/17 and make a living and will eventually end up better off. Leilani will never be like that. Leilani doesn't even know what she wants to do with her meaningless life. She doesn't even know why she keeps on living...until she logs onto the computer. I swear if anyone really knew how much you guys save me, I wouldn't be getting any sh!t over talking to you guys all the time. If people knew all the sh!t I've ever done...they wouldn't look at me the same. And honestly I don't think I could live with crushing everyone elses image of me. I can't really be who I truly am around everyone. And when I am I'm labeled. B!tch, rude, sarcastic, smart ass, witty blah blah blah. Why can't I just be me to other people? Why can't I just be Leilani, the depressed, insightful, sarcastic, maladjusted and unforgiving girl who would rather be invisible? Why can't I just be her? Why? Because no one likes the truth of the matter. No one likes who Leilani really is. Not even Leilani.

Happy birthday to me.