Well, partially. In this one, I'm gonna strike down on Perfect Dark Zero. A game what you can consider a Boob-fest. Filled with underdressed ladies. It's a true evolution how they advanced in graphics, and quite franky, turn the name Joanna Dark, which used to mean "Badass Chick"; Into "Nipple.". Quite funny how Microsoft advertised this game. Go to FHM.com and search for Joanna Dark. From bounty hunter to "I'm so sweaty... I need a hand taking this leather suit off...".

I know you were helping yourself to some Aloe-Vera and tissues when FHM released those.

Anyway... A launch title on the Xbox 360. A heavily hyped game considering it's original title "Perfect Dark" was so damn good, you just couldn't go wrong.

I guess I should remind you that EA's been re-writing great game formula's and infact killing them for as long EA's been creating games. How narrow-minded of me to think that Perfect Dark Zero only could've followed the "Highway to Greatness" because RARE and Microsoft worked on it, not EA. Such a damn shame that they took the "I GOTZ IDEAS!" Exit, and decided to hang along the "Highway to Hell".

Also known as Interstate 10. (Hell's Highway)
Famous for it's restaurants with Gordon Ramsay. (Hell's Kitchen)
Where EA dines daily. (Go to hell)

Anyway.

Perfect Dark Zero.

Let's see... I played Perfect Dark on the N64. The best First Person Shooter ever created. Closely followed by 007: Goldeneye. I never had such entertainment playing against bots. Huge selection of weapons. Alot of levels. Alot of detail in what set-ups you wanted. All in all, great game. If Nintendo weren't such a bunch camping b****es and just hand everything over to RARE, odds were in Microsoft's favor and ours that we could expect two of the greatest games of all time to make it to the Xbox LIVE. 007: Goldeneye and Perfect Dark.

And since I'm already complaining about Nintendo.
- Stop poking Mario. That little plumber needs to find a new job, rather than saving the same old knucklehead bird that keeps on being abducted by the same pointy dude that keeps on being slammed into the ground by Mario.
- Oh, and after nearly 20 Zelda games...
- Add Donkey Kong...
- 90% of Japanese and Chinese Video Gaming Entertainment "Figures" - Which would only add up to six, Mario, Link, Luigi, that pink thing, that blonde and that 'shroom on shrooms.
- For twenty years you've(CEO Board) been milking the same series. Would you choke on the money if you decided to try something new?

Adding these five complains on one heap, basicly creates Nintendo. They've been milking two series in particular, that you're starting to wonder wether you're milking a cow, or actually doing a Bull. Cause it still seems to draw entertainment...

Wait, forgot the sixth...
- You could've kept my love for the brandTM Nintendo if you didn't say that Wii's flying through TiiVii's was an accident. You killed sore entertainment, right there. You bastards!

But, back to Perfect Dark Zero.

Story: Judging by Perfect Dark's deep story. Which was pretty damn long. This can be discribed best with a good ol' comparisation. If Perfect Dark Zero went into a room full of immature stereotypical Breakfast Club bastards; The insults "Midget" and "Shorty" would've become as popular as the movie Breakfast Club itself. While the movie made me feel like "...What the **** am I supposed to be then?", it does a pretty damn good job at discribing oneanother.

And if Perfect Dark Zero's story was a character. It would be dubbed as "The biased braless Midget."

The story is done within a blink, it's Rainbow Six Vegas-short, not Call of Duty 4-short. The storyline's concept is probally written by a local 4th grader who turned over to a bunch of horny 15 year olds who were reading the Playboy at that time, who eventually brought it to RARE, whom considered "Boobs, knockers, tight asses, shooting, bounty hunters. The end." a decent story - Eventually... After some time, Perfect Dark Zero escaped from the wretched bra of "NOT ****ING DONE YET!".

You really wanna know how the story works?

Bounty Hunters are gonna break down the Trinity-or-something Company cause they're evil. It's so underdeveloped, you'll think about this line I'm gonna tell you, everytime: "Wait, what the hell? I... Wait... He... Umm... WHAT THE HELL!?".

That's it. All of it. Spoiler-free.

Gameplay: While this is the only thing they SEEMED to have kept alive from Perfect Dark - It's futuristic gunning. While half of the guns are missing, half of the maps gone missing, half the story gone missing, half of Joanna's halter-top gone missing and somewhere along the line; Some jackass decided to even strip the game, Joanna and all included into the biggest cluster**** of gaming hick-ups I've ever seen.

The gameplay is best discribed with a few words, put in a negative daylight(As if that hasn't happened already):
My Sweet 16.

The damn gameplay feels like you're watching My Sweet Sixteen: With guns.

They MTV'd it ALL up. ALL OF IT.

The storyline was already so underdeveloped. And so damn easy to run through, they brought up that stone-old idea again. That little thing called "Balancing". Which is normally good... If it wasn't "BALANCING EXCUSES".

To prevent you from hauling ass through the game, they made it extra difficult for you in two easy steps:
- That "suggestive arrow" always points to the wrong direction.
- No healthpacks, nor health regeneration. Basicly, you'll have to survive and God knows if you **** up in the very end. You'll be put back a checkpoint with just as little health as you just had. Only to make you **** up twice in a row, and become miserably stuck at one point.

Sound: Didn't you get my point when I said "MTV'd"? Christ, dude.

Graphics: All in all, to sum it up a bit for you:

- Ragdoll is probally created by the dude who made Tetris.
- Matte-stones seem to gloss as if someone took a leak.
- Characters are underdressed, no bad pun included.
- The animations are worth giggling about.
- You'll be hearing about tons of guys bringing up excuses, for instance the most popular "It's a launch title, you hardassed p**ck.".
- Explosions made me "LOL".
- Zooming in on Joanna's ass seems to give alot of rendered detail.
- Same goes for the chest.
- ...Face looks as if she just turned 16.
- If you ever happen to shoot the armor off a guy, it'll go bouncing like balls. Pretty strange.

AI: Don't get me started. You really have to find the hilarity out for yourself. And I'll tell you, how underdeveloped the AI's skills are at surviving... Gold. To just give you a brief summary: They go "Left-right", also known as strafing from bullets... They do that over a course of 12 seconds. Even a sniper can pull of a pin-point-accurate headshot when they do that.

Also, they seem to either stand around or do that strafing thing. Either way, they'll from such an easy task to beat... Unbelievable.

Conclusion.

They seem to have rushed it to become a Launch Title. There's no excuse for Perfect Dark Zero's flaws. Especially since it's made to become either just as good, or even a helluvalot better than it's daddy: Perfect Dark.

Instead of wasting 30 bucks. Just spend some more on buying an N64, and get Perfect Dark from a bargain bin or buy it online. That game's dating back to the 90's and is still three times better than this late '05 game.

G.S: 9.0.
BDR: 7.5.