The Darkness. In retrospect, I bought the game a year ago. And I admit, I liked it. Maybe because I have something for these Italians that seem to care for people but end up being cold hearted killers.
And I have something for guys that don't visit the barber every once in six years. Like me.
The Darkness.
Yes... Darkness. When I first read about the game was when I got fed up with the endless "But dude! You. Eat. ****ing. Hearts!"... Then I felt this inner-cannibalistic feel telling me to buy the game. Cause afterall, you eat hearts. But when you're not eating organs, and having two dumbass snake-wannabe's that constantly argue about who's getting the next dead Mafioso for it's delighted EMO teeth; You'd be reading my review.
Snazzy intro, eh?
Story: Right, the story starts off about three dudes sitting in a convertable presumably going through the Holland Tunnel, from Jersey City. And judging about the way the jackass Mafioso drives, it's just screaming for both driver and co-driver; "I AM GOING TO DIE, OR ATLEAST WILL NOT SHOW MY OWN DUI-TICKET-FILLED ASS ANY LONGER IN THIS GAME!"...
Which is good, since the passenger, who's mind is presumably stuck at "Look, I'm hanging out of the car and I still live"... Dies. Yes, he gets an epic ownage. The best I've seen in years. He gets his face slammed in by not paying attention while hanging out of the car inside a 2-lane tunnel packed with morning traffic. The best of all is, he gets his face knocked in by looking into the right-rear door of a Box Van.
So, according to the other moron, the driver - You should kick that braindead(We're buddies) dumbass out of the ride. The guy who had saved your sleepy ass from that "deal went wrong" situation that happened just before the game began. So, what do we do thank this guy?
Simple! You kick his bee-hind from the damn car, and let him be run over by about eight vehicles that are on your ****ing tail!
And at the same time, that driver is still worrying about how Uncle Paulie is gonna go "Ape****" about everything. I felt like "But... Wait, listen! Our pal just got his faced slammed in by those damn van drivers from Brooklyn, and you're worrying about some old fat bastard who's voice casting is done by Dwight Shultz, Sir Howlin' Mad Murdock from the A-Team!?!?!?".
The introduction was kinda making me feel as if these Mafioso already had their hearts eaten by those snake things. But that problem takes care of it's own eventually, the driver manages to crash the car in the world's only place where you just can't make a spectacular barrelroll crash - A 2-lane tunnel.
Pwn'd.
He breaks a leg, whines about his damn pants, and dies. For some apparent reason.
The story goes further, and reaches that point where you run your Uncle Paulie left a little "I have gone Ape**** alright!" message, he planted a bomb and attempts to kill you. Fission Mails and you then follow a plot that screams "I'm gonna get that chubby son of a *****.". And want a major major spoiler? One that's so obvious, that it isn't a spoiler? Whaddaya' think!? You WIN! That's how all the Mafioso stories end. No story is gritty enough for the hairy near-EMO dude not to win. Well, you don't really win... And that's why it isn't a spoiler.
Wether you'll understand the ending is only possible if you are an avid As The World Turns or The Bold and the Beautifull watcher. Give me a PM if you made some sense out of it.
Anyway, at two points in the game. You "die" and end up in this Hell world. Which is actually somesort of World War I with Germans that look like horrible patched leather pants and the Americans look like the inside of a guy's underwear after a month of no washing. Yes, I am talking about their faces.
And with all post-1945 games; The Germans are portrayed as core-to-core bastards that you always want to kill. And if they die, you kill them twice. Wait, you actually have to. Since they can magically stand up after a beating that mangled their faces from leather-pants-with-patching to car crash with sixteen deaths-mangled.
The Germans in this game are so damn evil, you'll have to kill them multiple times.
From what this story tells me is; Never visit Germany. They don't die. Their faces look like leather pants with crappy patching. And they seem to kill everything that moves. Or atleast, that's what those idiots at Star Breeze are trying to say. Those guys with an intro-logo scene that involves a baby, a needle and a very very evil man.
Gameplay: Ahhh... And here it shall go wrong. Since you're playing as an EMO Mafioso with the hots for this rather EMO girl, with the nots for uncles and men in hired 2 dollar suits. You'll have to act like a EMO Mafioso, who's got an relationship, who both havn't got a damn car, with the hate for Jackie's uncle and men that dress in 2 dollar suits.
Meaning, you'll spend time eating dead 2-dollar suit wearing Mafioso hearts, taking the subway to every damn location, talk to retired mobsters who too old to not be senile and kill everything that moves. Sometimes, you'll have to pull off these scavenger hunts with the wormy-thing you consider a helpfull snake. Other times, you've got to talk around ala Mass Effect, trying to get killed within one hit.
Jackie Estacado just turned 21... Okay, that should allow him to run to the nearest bar, get wasted, get laid and puke for the following 72 hours. No, instead... You are called by this old guy, who's currently sweeping up dead cooks nearby. Now what remains is that you drag the dead chef into the SUV of the hairy neutral fat guy.
That's mission two for you.
The game doesn't give you any tips. I felt like a complete idiot, and the feeling I had when I was about to ask how to get past that goddamned chopper in the mid-section of mission-****ing-TWO... I felt as if I was asking a snail "Why are you so slow?"...
Eventually, I was told to kill the cops behind the vehicles, when the chopper flies past for the second time, run like hell into an extremely dark alley to my left, use the worm to unlock the gate through a tiny 4"x1.5" ventilation fan and run into a pool bar further on.
Well, I AM SORRY STARBREEZE FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO SPOT SUCH AN OVERLY OBVIOUS THING!
All in all, you'll spend half your time in six subway stations, alley's or Hell-shapen worlds with ugly dudes we should consider Germans. Oh, forgot to mention. By the time you reach the final missions, you've knocked this many lights out - You'll actually turn on your local lightbulbs with "****! Light! Oh wait... Right, this isn't the Darkness...".
AI: I am sorry... But all I really can say is, they are nothing more than shooting piñata's. All I have to do is, run upclose and blast them away. They make life so damn easy for me. Starbreeze seemed to fix that issue by giving them super-super-the-duper damage when hitting me. When will they learn that fixing the problem that way is only making you, the developers; Look like damn, lazy ass idiots who aren't willing to write decent AI scripts so they will not act like dumbasses with no survival instincts.
Oh, and the AI looooovvvveeessss to park their vehicles in the middle of the road. This is New York City, for crying out loud! I know, I would love to pull a 90 degree turn on the FDR Drive or even Amsterdam Avenue, but like on any street... It will cause the entire city to come to a standstill, even if you do it in Upper East Side.
Characters: Well, Jackie Estacado's your local fallout boy, EMO to the core and happens to be Italian aswell... Bit like mixing diesel oil with a Martini, but the fact that he doesn't shave or cut his hair makes just near-EMO anyway. Not completely.
Aside from that girl, every single character is either 50 or far above. No-one's young in this game. They are all of these retired Made Men, who should've been running local Diners and Pizzaria's... But they still like to get their wheelchairs, and kick some ass with their oxygen bottles. The old coots. N²O for the win, eh Gramps?
Sound: Should I get into this? Moody music. Creepy menu music. Great voice acting. Dwight Shultz's preformance is worth a golden brick. And guns do sound like guns for once. All I could've asked is for Starbreeze to mute those goddamn Germans. They don't have any ****ing mouths, who in the hell(Irony.) gave them the oppertunity to moan!?!?
Graphics: They're actually pretty good. You can practically make enemies look like bloody, hole filled dolls you just slam around with your Demon Arm. Lighting is pretty good. They would've been better off if they got rid of that kill-camera...
Whenever I die, there's this cutscene that makes me want to strangle myself with my controller cord. There has never been such awfull punishment for dying. In any game. You get creepy transformed images of key figures, with that strange voice babbling over it as I'm watching Discovery Channel.
"Your flesh and soul... Are MINE!" - Yeah? Well, eat the B-button you son of a *****!
Conclusion.
Havn't you read enough already? Go, and check that bargain bin.
G.S: 8-something. I can't be assed to check for you.
BDR: 8.4.