This week is all about things that are sneaky and stealthy.  Assassins, ninjas, thieves, and ghost rapists.  Well, maybe not ghost rapists.  So put on your ninja mask, sharpen your dagger, cut off the lights, and read on.

Play This Way

This week I was a busy little nerd.  Made an exciting new purchase.  Bought myself a totally awesome new Nintendo 3DS XL.  Been wanting one of these puppies for the longest time.  And it was well worth the wait.  I **** love this thing.  The 3D tech is amazing, the extra features are fun, and the screens are so big and bright.  My last handheld was a Nintendo DS Lite so this was a huge upgrade.  Like going from spam to lobster with filet mignon shoved up its ass.  I dont have any games for it but Ill be getting some soon.  Till then I got my old DS games and I can always rent games from Gamefly as well.  Since were on the subject of handheld gaming, I continued battling my way through Pokemon Platinum.  At the end of my last play session I had just received my 7th gym badge.  It was pretty to easy since it was an Ice gym and I have a leveled Infernape, the final form of the fire starter Chimchar.  Unless you failed 1st grade science, you know that fire melts ice.

I played a little bit of Demons Souls.  I got the game a few years ago when I got my PS3 but never got around to playing till now.  Seems to be the same story with a lot of my games.  I played it for a few hours and managed to defeat the first boss, some lump of living shit with shields and lances attached all over it.  What weirdo came up with that design?  Its a really fun game and I can see why it became such a cult hit.  I would play it more but Id rather just move on to Dark Souls.  I was in the mood for some sci-fi horror so I rented Aliens vs. Predator.  Unfortunately, I was only able to complete the Marine campaign before my Xbox 360 decided to wig out on me.  I tried to fix it but that only resulted in frustration and wasted time.  Also stabbing my dad with a screwdriver.  Dont worry, it was just a flesh wound.  So looks like I gotta buy a new system. **** couldnt last till the end of the year could it.  Since I couldnt play it anymore, I went ahead and returned Aliens vs. Predator.  Once I get this Xbox 360 situation handled Ill rent the game again so I can finish it.  Really eager to play the Predator campaign.

New Releases

March is gonna be a Godzilla-sized month for video games.  So many big releases crammed into a measly 31 days.  Its like if Mario tried to wear leather pants.  I dare ya to try to imagine that without vomiting.  The first week of March kicks things off strong with the return of Maxis classic city-building series SimCity.  This game is a huge deal because there hasnt been a new proper SimCity since SimCity 4 in 2003.  And no, SimCity Societies doesnt count.  If its not made by Maxis, its not SimCity.  That wasnt the only game released by Maxis this week.  They also brought us a new expansion for their ridiculously popular life simulator The Sims 3.  Yes, another one.  The Sims 3: University Life is the games ninth expansion and allows your Sims to go to college.  So now they can get some of that fancy book learning and get all educated.  As well as get drunk and have tons of casual sex.  Another big release this week was Tomb Raider.  This is a reboot for the series, the second one I believe, and tells the origin story of Lara Croft.  How she went from an innocent archeology student to the kick ass chick weve known and ogled at for 17 years.  That means I was ten years old when the first game came out.  No wonder I grew up so sexually confused.  For Nintendo 3DS owners who want something a little old school theres Castlevania: Lords of Shadow - Mirror of Fate.  Think you got enough subtitles there Konami.  This is a 2D platformer and hack n slash game reminiscent of the old Castlevania games.  You play as four members of the Belmont clan spanning across several generations.  These include old favorites such as Simon and Alucard.

For JRPG fans theres Atelier Ayesha: The Alchemist of Dusk.  I know nothing about this game.  In fact Id never even heard of this series till now.  But Im sure it has plenty of fans that will be excited for this new entry.  To me though its just another JRPG starring what appears to be underage girls.  Speaking of weird things from Japan, theres two brand new Naruto games.  For Xbox 360 and PS3 theres Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3.  This is a 3D fighting game set in the world of the popular anime series.  Theres also Naruto Powerful Shippuden for the Nintendo 3DS.  This is a 2D brawler that is based off the series Naruto Spin-Off: Rock Lee & His Ninja Pals.  Ive never heard of it either.  The game features a chibi art style(big heads and small bodies) and is more comedic in tone.  Because being a ninja doesnt always have to be super serious.  Just look at the Vanilla Ice scene in the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  Best thing that guy has ever done.  And last but definitely least we have two baseball titles.  Cause theres so many different ways you can portray steroid-filled jackasses hitting balls with their big sticks.  From 2K Sports theres MLB 2K13 for Xbox 360 and Playstation 3.  And from Sony San Diego theres the Playstation 3 and Vita exclusive MLB 13: The Show.  God damn, that was a shitload of games.

Ubisoft Raises The Black Flag

After numerous rumors and a leaked promotional poster, Ubisoft has officially announced Assassins Creed IV: Black Flag.  Like all the rumors and reports have stated, piracy will be a major focus of the game.  No, you wont be playing as some nerd downloading the newest Rihanna CD.  I mean the seafaring, swashbuckling pirates.  And according to Ubisoft, this wont be the family-friendly Disney version of pirates.  So no Johnny Depp, no Kraken, no squid-faced Davey Jones, none of that shit.  Black Flag will provide a realistic, gritty look at the world of pirates.  Ubisoft is calling it the HBO version of pirates.  Maybe that means therell be nudity.  Black Flag takes place in the Caribbean in the early 1700s.  An era known as the Golden Age of Piracy.  Some of historys most infamous pirates operated during this time period.  Some of which youll meet throughout the game.  The new Assassin is Edward Kenway, a notorious British pirate captain.  If that last name sounds familiar theres a good reason why.  Hes also the grandfather of Assassins Creed 3s hero, Conner Kenway.  Maybe Assassins Creed V will star his Aunt Mary who was a hooker in London.  Actually, that doesnt sound like a bad idea.  During his journey Captain Kenway will visit three major cities; Havana, Kingston, and Nassau.  There will also be several smaller locations the player can travel to as well including forts, fishing villages, and Mayan ruins.

Ubisoft released the first trailer for the game which was, in my humble and always right opinion, **** incredible.  It showcases Eddy performing various acts of pirate awesomeness.  Ranging from wiping out a whole crew of sailors to satisfying some lovely ladies.  There was a few things of note in the trailer.  For instance there was an emphasis on ships, strongly suggesting a return of naval combat.  This isnt surprising considering the game is about pirates.  You make a game about pirates you gotta have ships.  Cause without ships pirates are just criminals who talk funny.  Edward is also shown swimming underwater, exploring the ocean depths.  Thats right yall, well finally be able to dive deeper then 2 feet.  Theres a lot Ubisoft can do with this involving exploration, collection, and of course hiding from enemies.  Hopefully they wont **** up swimming controls like most games seem to do.  The whole trailer is narrated by real-life pirate Edward Teach aka Blackbeard.  Well the games version of Blackbeard, not the real guy.  Unless Ubisoft has learned voodoo.  This pretty much confirms that the infamous pirate will have a major role in the game.  I imagine hell start out as an ally but eventually become a villain near the end.  His design is really great to.  He looks like the crazy, menacing pirate the history books describe him as.  He also has a really cool hat.

Im a big fan of Assassins Creed so anytime a new game in the series is announced I get mad excited.  For Assassins Creed IV: Black Flag Im even more excited because its about **** pirates.  Ive been wanting a good pirate game for a long time.  I thought I had one with the Pirates of the Caribbean RPG from a while back but then it was canceled for some dumb ass reason.  What that reason was I have no clue.  Im just gonna do what I always do and blame the Christians.  Not only will Black Flag be my dream pirate game but its also gonna be the first next-gen Assassins Creed.  Thats right, Assassins Creed IV: Black Flag will be released for the current consoles as well as the PS4 and the next Xbox.  Assassins Creed games have always been pretty so the next-gen versions of Black Flag should be more beautiful then the spa scene in Britney Spears Womanizer video.  If youve seen the video you know exactly what Im talking about.  Assassins Creed IV: Black Flag comes out October 29.  So you better start practicing your pirate talk now.

Activision Delivering The Turtle Power

Not to long ago Activision announced they entered a deal with Nickelodeon to publish three games based on their new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.  Well it didnt take em long to show gamers a bit of what they have planned for the heroes in a half-shell.  Activision has announced the first of the three games, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows.  Wow, could they come up with a more generic name.  Plus their ninjas so wouldnt coming out of the shadows be a bad thing.  They might as well have called it Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Hey! Were Over Here.  The game is being developed by Red Fly Studio who previously developed Mushroom Men: The Spore Wars and a bunch of Wii ports no one gives a shit about.  As you would suspect TMNT: Out of the Shadows is a third-person brawler where up to four players take control of the amphibious ass-kickers.  And yes, the game will support four-player online co-op.  As any Ninja Turtles game should.  A trailer was released giving everyone a glimpse of what to expect from the game.  The trailer started with a series of newspaper headlines while a voiceover of a news broadcaster plays.  Thats a trope I havent seen done in a while.  It then cuts to a few brief scenes of the turtles kicking some Foot ass.  Overall its nothing to spectacular but it serves as a nice teaser.

One problem I saw with the game almost immediately was its graphics.  Its suppose to be based on the cartoon but it looks nothing like it.  Instead it has this sorta realistic look which makes the turtles look hella creepy.  Any kid who sees this is gonna have **** nightmares.  Im 27 and even I had one.  I dreamt Raphael came into my room and ate my face off.  What the **** were they thinking?  The animation style of the cartoon is great.  Why didnt they just copy that?  Graphics issues aside the game has a lot of potential.  TMNT is a fantastic property tailored for video games.  So hopefully this game wont end up like the last licensed title Activision published, The Walking Dead: Survival Instincts.  Cause if it does then Activision is gonna piss off a lot of nerds.  Which would be nothing new for them.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows will launch this summer on Xbox Live, PlayStation Network, and PC.

Thief Sneaks Its Way Into Next-Gen

Eidos Montreal have officially announced a new Thief game for next-gen platforms.  Previously known as Thief 4, this new title will simply be called Thief.  I see Eidos is keeping with the whole we dont need numbers mentality from Tomb Raider.  In the new Thief series hero Garrett returns to the Gothic, industrial metropolis known as The City to steal all the expensive goodies within eyesight.  Unfortunately, The City has seen better days.  Its being ravaged by a deadly plague and lorded over by a political tyrant known as the Baron.  So looks like this wont be as easy as robbing your local mini-mart.  For those unfamiliar with the Thief games, its a first-person action series known for its hardcore stealth mechanics.  Ive never played the series myself but definitely interested in it.  I love stealth games and the Thief series is one of the originators of the genre.  Hopefully this new game will live up to the legacy of the series.  If it does then Thief will be another reason to look forward to the next generation of consoles and PC hardware.

Nerd Life