Quote comes from my own self, playing the original Fallout...

So as I drunkenly promised an unremembered tracker on MSN, I would update this scantly-read blog for the good of those who are reading them in between refreshing forums during a slow spell.

I'd love to tell you life continjues on it's boring cycle of slow work, busy weekends, repeat, but lately ore stuff that usual has been bubbling on. Girls arrive on the scene, I'm forced to think like a grownup, and I realise I may actually be addicted to the cigarettes again.

Perhaps the biggest worry is my old self esteem issues seem to get in teh way of everything I try to do. Now, I have made huge steps, realise I am NOT the ugliest man on the planet, that I have loved deeper and lost more than most, and yet, big decisions have a habit of regressing eventhe best of us (of which I certainly am not) to the state of inadequacy that some must surely feel. Basically, I was picked on and beaten up in high school, called ugly and stupid, if only by the typical bully. However, those 2 years of such treatment have seen me outlive a drinking problem lasting 7 years, cost me my dream job, seen me bounce from girl to girl, and develop what can now be called a gym addiction, hoping becoming intimidating will scare away my demons where drink and self harm have not drowned and disfigured them. All this among other things that I cannot admit to even in anonymity.

Anyway after all that, I have a really great girl interested in me, and am finally proactively thinking about finising my degree and making headway in my career. Now is where that whole "past" rant fits in - I view myself as incapable of offering anything to another woman, and believe myself nowhere near intelligent enough to finish an IT degree. I view this as the feeling you experience when you are drunk - you KNOW what you're doing is wrong, but you are powerless to act any different. I hate this.

I understand if this whole thing seems like a sook, and that's OK cos I hate myself for not being strong enough to keep it to myself. But the gym has become aprison rather than a release, the cigarettes don't work anymore, and I'd hate for my friends to realise that their funny, loving old buddy is a time bomb.

Well anywyay, whinge over. If you're reading this, I hope all is going well for you wherever you are in the world.