So by now, most of you know that my precious Bugsy passed away on Sunday. Lately, I've been reading the Little House series, which, if you didn't know, branches out beyond Laura Ingalls Wilder's books. I just finished rereading Across the Puddingstone Dam, which is the last in the Charlotte years. I got to the part after Charlotte's baby brother George died, and well, I think you need to see this.
She was just crossing the dorway when she saw Mama in the dooryard. The relief on Mama's face was so vivd that Charlotte shrank back again.
"Lottie," said Mama, opening her arms. Charlotte moved woodenly toward her, but would not meet her mother's eyes.
"Lottie," Mama repeated, but there was something very much like anger in her voice. "Look at me.'
Charlotte would not look. Mama took her by the shoulders. Her hands squeezed so hard it hurt.
"You listen to me," she said fiercely. "This-will-not-break-you!" She gave Charlotte a little shake in her intensity. "Do you hear me? You shall not let it break you! You canna put a wall around your heart, Lottie. If you build a wall against the pain, you put out the love as well."
She dropped on her knees in the dirt, heedless of her skirt, so that her face was on level with Charlotte's. Sutbbornly, she looked off past Mama's head.
"I canna promise you a life free from pain, Charlotte. You are suffering now, and you shal suffer again. Tis as certain as breathing. I have buried four children now, aye, four." Now at last, Charlotte was stunned into meeting her mother's eyes.
"You werena born yet when we lost our first bairn," said Mama. Her voice softened. "She didna live long; only two weeks. Betsy, we called her. The bonny wee thing. Then came Lewis, and when he was but a lad, I gave birth to your brother, Linus. He came early and was already dead when I held him in my arms. You were five when we lost Nancy. She came early too, and died that same night. You were too young to ken anythign about it." Words came choking out of Charlotte.
"It isn't fair." Mama smiled, a warm smile full of understanding.
"You heard what Dr. Potter said, Lottie. 'The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh away.' That's what we always sy at a burying. I tihnk we fix upon the taking away and forget that the one we loved was a gift in the first place. Our George was a precious gift, and I'm thankful for everyday we had him."
That's about it. I actualy cried on the bus home today when I read it.