I dont know whats been wrong with me lately. I've just been feeling so low and not wanting to get out of bed really. Just lying there until I start to feel sick and then i would get up. I feel myself slipping more and more into this depression. And I feel helpless to resist. I know what's happening, I've been through something similiar to this before. So I should be able to stop myself from falling completely to the shadows, right? But what if the shadows seem welcoming this time? What if I don't want to stop from completely losing myself?

It's to the point where I like the feeling of being broken and empty. It's all I've ever felt throughout my life. So it feels like home. It's hard to explain, but I feel comfortable here, in the shadows.

So what I'm saying is that I need to be pulled out of the shadows because I don't have the strength or the will. The shadows have me enthralled and I cannot break the spell it has over me.

But also at the same time, I feel like something has a hold on my heart. Pulling it down, weighing it down until it gets too hard to bare. And it just makes me want to rip it out of my chest and be gone with it. It's even hard to breathe sometimes, I get this clenching feeling in my throat. It sickens me how weak I can get so quickly sometimes.

And lastly, this weakness of mine is taking over. I find myself starting to cry for no reason at all. Just like out of nowhere the tears will come and take me over. This overwhelming feeling of loneliness and emptiness is unbearable anymore. And yet, I love the feeling when I cry. I try to hide this weakness from Tom. Because I'm afraid of how he'll react when he sees me like this. Which is stupid because I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Plus it's not like he hasn't seen me weak before.

What I'm trying to say is, this darkness is taking over me and I'm not sure I can get through it on my own anymore. I feel weak to resist and just wanting to give up until I'm completely consumed. This heartache is killing me. I need you Tom. I really do. You're my strength and without you I'm nothing but a broken girl.